korkor. i dreamt of you again last night. i thought i wouldn't dream of you again after my second one. hehe. there comes the third one. it was complicated yet simple. we (you, mummy and me) were in this cinema, supposedly watching some horror flick (wishing stairs, maybe? haha.) i was writing some thank-you cards to your friends and i saw you came and sat beside me. =) you were like, 'who else you haven't wrote for?' then i replied, 'i even wrote for yvette.' hehe. it was like the show, fly me to polaris, as if you came back and i was talking to you like normal, but i knew you weren't with us anymore. you know what i mean right? i wish you could return as normal for just a few days, for a day, or for just another hour. i just want to fulfil all that i didn't do as a good sister. i miss you badly, more than ever. it's still hurting inside. korkor.

found some old friends in friendster. i've this weird feeling. don't know if it feels good or not. kind of miss the days back in primary school. i came from a chinese school, presumably a good school. things were quite competitive back then, i was still naive and gullible. not street-savvy at all, people gave me this i took this, i listened, i did, i worked, i played (hardly), basically, schoolwork revolved around me, and i around it. i didn't make it to special stream, somehow i guess fate just had it for me. somehow or rather, because everyone ended up in good schools and i for some reason, could not. not because results-wise, but for some other cause. i lost touch with many and there, i found a few back, though not as close as before, i'll be able to catch up. well, in hope, that is. wonder how things would have been if i had remained in a prestigious school, but well, things have come to this, so why bother anymore? suat, if you're reading this, i just want you to know i'm glad to have met you again. you were one of the closer friends i had in poi ching, perhaps 'cos of our common love for the aesthetics back then? =)
for all my friends out there, just wanted you guys to know now that i'm so grateful to have met you guys. yes, everyone of you right from my kindergarten days till now. =)
xueting: for being there rain or shine, from our prefect days to pigger moments, you're one who knows all my darkest secrets and worst moments and never laughed at me, only with me. you share my life. thanks, darl.
sennette: for all the days we spent crying over nothing, laughing about everything, shopping sprees, photo sessions and how we mature over the years we've seen each other and learnt much from each other. thanks, buddy.
angeline: for all the times you've lent me a listening ear, wrote encouraging letters to me, holding my hand whenever i needed you. you live up to your name. thanks, angel.
rueyhwan: for all the times we've worked in npcc and not, in the mud, in the sun, you held me close through tough and good times. though we aren't always together, each time we spend is priceless and yet so near to our innermost feelings. =) thanks, squadmate!
aikwee: for all the times we spent on the phone, in class bickering, for all the times we were together, you don't now how much you mean to me. you made my life in secondary school much happier after i met you. you hold a special place although we never got to what we might have become, i hope you'd believe me. we never told each other our thoughts but i guess we truly know deep inside. thanks, yiwei.
stanley: for all the nights you spent with me, the times under my block and everything. be it quarrels or misunderstandings, we stood the test of time and have since become the most special of friends in each other's hearts. you were there whenever i needed someone in the wee hours of the morning, you know how important you are to me. thanks, moo. =)
diyana: for all the moments we spent wondering what we were living for, what meaning life carried, all the times you stood strong for me, with your hands on my shoulders all the time. you're one of the best friends in college. thanks, di.
rachel: for all the times we spent in school, and seeing me through my most difficult times. although we hardly meet outside school, i know you care and i'm most thankful for you. you've been like a big sis to me. thanks, rach.
carine: for all the secrets i have with you, for the late nights we spent watching the stars in the sky, lamenting about love and not, for all the times we've skipped school and still managed the exams. =) i know you may not read this still i'm glad to have met a friend like you in college. thanks, cow. =)
kenneth: for the change you made in my life, for the hugs and kisses you've showered me with, for the times you held my hand tight when i needed to be strong. you know it when i just need you. thanks, dear.
and for everyone else who've been there all these while, from milton's pals (jackson, aldric, lewis, salleh, jiehong, zuraidah, daniel and all), to my teachers, my primary and secondary schoolmates, my present classmates, my officers, alex and the bb clique, and even the online friends i haven't met before but whom i've shared much with. everyone. you know who you are. i'm afraid i'll regret if i don't tell all of you how much i love you guys, it's never too late to let your loved ones feel loved. go ahead and do it. most importantly, to daddy and mummy and korkor. the ones who've been in my life forever and will be till always. thanks all for making a difference in my life.
i love all of you, everyone of you.

okay. i mean it. new entry.
silly billie, i miss you so much. it's horrid not being able to see you today and i haven't heard your voice too! i know it's my choice to stay home and rest but i can't help feeling lonely not having you now. i'm so happy (happy, in another sense, not mentioning my brother, you know what i mean =) these days. even my friends tell the difference. heh. you make me feel like a princess, like what i am already. haha. you put a smile =) upon my face each time i see you, feel you or even hear your voice, sweetheart. flattered right? haha. well, although you can be mean at times, always teasing me and ignore me at other times and put on your mood swings occasionally, i still love you all the same. you make a difference in my life, and i don't care what others think about us anymore. whether were we wrong to make this choice or not, i am just glad we're finally together. i was apprehensive in the beginning but i just can't hold my feelings back no more. i don't know how long we'll last, how long we'll stay together but what matters most now to me is having you by my side and me by yours. i'm happy just the way we are. i don't know what made me fall for you this silly alligator, maybe it's just the way you are, maybe it's just love. love needs no reason, isn't it? :) i'm acting like a lovesick little girl but 'i don't care'. i know you'll always read my blog and refuse leave any notes, i know you always choose not to reply when i write letters to you, i know you hate it when i refuse to take any praises from you and i know you love me. =) i love the way you sound on the phone when you just wake up (well, just love your voice:), the way you slip your fingers into mine, the way you roll your eyes at me when i do something stupid, the way you wrap your arms around me, the way you brush across my cheek with your thumb, the way you love me, the way you are you.
you make my life worth living, thanks, sugar.

right, this entry is brand new. i shan't talk about kornow. he used to mention how my personality can spilt so well. one moment i was such a fanatic about f4 and the next i hate chinese and those cheena people. (those cheena people, if you know what i mean) i'm being mean here but i don't care. he said i can be so sad and angry at something and there a second goes i'm laughing about something else. i just did mention about my brother didn't i? haha.

i don't know how many left of the people who are still reading my blog. this thing is like, so redundant. i don't even know why is it public. i don't even know why i still carry on with this. i think i read it more times than anyone. and it's written by me and i read. how desperate can i get? life is so meaningless without my brother. at least kor would have visited my blog regularly. ARGH. sometimes, i just don't want to be reminded of you but i can't help it. i don't want to look at your picture, stare at it as if staring could evoke some change and then start missing you all over again. i get on life pretty normally outside and all, but it ALWAYS happens when i'm alone. i get this really bothering feeling, like sometimes bugging me. i even get guilty enjoying myself outside. deep down, i still can't get over the grief. like yesterday i was at heeren when i saw this name WILTON somewhere. i saw in the other way round the 'W' read 'M', there i was reminded of you. i went home, stared at your photo and started crying all over again. i hugged your photo tight as if it was you. it's been two weeks, is it long or not? i still cannot get over it, no matter how happy and normal i try to portray myself in front of people. i cried and cried and images of that fateful night keep flashing in my mind. it's so scary i think i won't be able to forget it. i wish i didn't have to come home sometime, 'cos the home holds so many memories of you. it's sad returning to an empty home and realisation of the fact that you're no longer here just pierces me through. you used to come into my room early in the morning to use the pc when i was sleeping. you used to be so quiet and gentle in case you woke me up. i can't stop thinking of you, kor, almost every entry i can't help but write about you. i can't blame anyone for not reading 'cos my entries are just repetitions right? i keep myself outside and busy so that i won't sit and just think about you in that grievous manner. i like to think of you in happy memories but there's this indescribable feeling bugging me. i can't describe that awful feeling. daddy and mummy are missing you so much i know, although daddy doesn't show it in the most obvious manner. i can break down anytime at home, i cannot take it just anymore! i'll be having my a's this time next year, i wonder how i'll handle it. it'll be so painful. i want to do well, so much for the sake of you, korkor, it'd only be for you but i'm afraid i won't have the strength and determination. i must do well, i tell myself. MUST. for you. i hope you'll give me all i need, i don't want to disappoint you. argh. but you know me, how well i procrastinate. i'm killing myself inside. i need to find something to occupy myself with, it's hard being all alone. i still still still miss you. alot.

You're the super-slacker!!
Homework?
What's that? Studying? Not in your vocabulary.
You hardly study and almost never do your work
and yet, by some divine intervention, you're
still surviving. And you come to school so un-
often, your teachers have pratically forgotten
that you even exist. Go, you slacker, you!!


Which Stereotypical Singaporean Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

is this glorious or not? heh. -cheers- hail to school...not!

the many masks i put on everyday
the many choices i dismissed with no say
i was so lost, even breathing was a chore
actors around made me more sore
i thought my curtains were drawn to the edge
and i was ready to leave this wooden stage
but the lights came on again
when i saw you bring in the rain
from a little seed
i became your very lead
you made me shine
like the stars i thought were mine
i flew on your wings, soared like a bird
your voice only i heard
came this far with my heart in your hands
we'll be here together till the very end.

just for you. i was merely bored. nothing more than that. thanks for the love. =)

it's hard staying at home on weekends. 'cos it just feels so lonely here. the home's just a house without your presence, why did you choose to abandon your family? the place's forsaken and feels like there's really no point in continuing our lives anymore. i hear mummy crying in her room, i can't comfort her and i don't want to. it's painful seeing her so heartbroken, i'd rather remain here for i'm afraid i'll break down as well. she holds your clothes and pretends you're still around. it gets on my nerves sometimes. i know daddy isn't quite happy about it, mummy's taking it quite hard still. well, what do i do? i try to be strong for them but it's taking a toll on me. fond memories of you return now and then, i'm using your phone, your discman, the bag you got me from uk, your camera, your cds even your pencil. i used the pencil for my chinese exam yesterday. the comprehension passage yesterday reminded me of you, it spoke of telling your loved ones how much you care before any regrets. i almost wanted to cry on reading that. i miss you so much, i feel so strange without you. i try to be happy and lead life as normal as i can outside the home, and i do. but deep down, the melancholic feeling just somehow returns unknowingly. pangs of missing you creep into my empty heart, i remember how we used to go town together, share music in my room, peep at people's blogs, share our favourite chips and food. there goes, nobody to scare me from behind, nobody to share bananas with mummy, nobody to criticise or praise my fashion sense. if i could exchange anything to have you back again, i would. i wish things were back to normal, i can't really stay happy for long and holding it all inside will just tear me apart sooner or later. identity's out, kor, i remember how we used to stay up late into the night in your room watching all those movie trailers. how we laughed and scoffed at movie flops and how i shuddered at horrifying movie clips. you wanted to watch identity and there goes. i'll watch it and let you know if it's good eh? i wanted you to watch fifteen and tell me if it's good, and you wanted to watch matrix, too. all the movies you couldn't catch in time, all the things you never completed. how did you bear to leave just like that? we never watched a movie together, one of my greatest regrets. you always told me about foreign films and you never failed to attend the arts and film fest. i always wanted you to accompany me there, but i never had the time. i'm such a failed sister i feel terrible. i need you back. please. can anyone help me? milton, i hope you'll see this. 'cos i'm sorry i wasn't a good sister, i wish i could make up to you, i wish you hadn't gone.