after a long lazy hiatus

main reason for this post is to document the recent benefits i've received as a Nichiren Shoshu believer...and this is a convenient outlet...

i'll soon be in between jobs and changing to an totally non-related industry and field. it is really Gohonzon's (our object of worship) benefits that i signed and sealed (to be delivered) this job within less than 3 months of job-searching. because i was already sunk deep into the comfort zone of my current job, i wasn't actively job searching and i did not even buy a single copy of saturday's recruit. i had the good fortune of a relatively quiet period at work where i could mass send resumes online, toggling between job opportunity sites and work windows.

in total, i went to 4 interviews for 3 different jobs in 2.5 months and within 3 months, i managed to sign the appointment letter soon after my 2nd interview. this is really good fortune in this period of graduation where all the fresh graduates start applying for jobs. there were 3 candidates including myself vying for the same position. on the day of the 2nd interview, i was the 2nd person in line to meet with the interview panel. the 1st person was inside for a good 20 mins and i was almost half-demoralised when it was my turn. when it finally was, i was out in 10 minutes. the group director even made a comment that another stat board was opening vacancies and i could apply. upon hearing this, i was 100% sure i had to continue my job search. prior, i told Gohonzon that if i was suitable for the job, i would get it, if not, i will accept any circumstances that follow.

within 3 days, i received a call that i was selected, on my way to temple for friday chanting session. i was so appreciative tears came to my eyes when i started chanting. then it suddenly dawned on me that i received the 1st phonecall for the interview during my pilgrimage to Head Temple in Taisekiji, Japan. then i realised that Gohonzon planned this for me from the start. i was furthermore initially hesitant about this job as i was merely mass applying without any specific interest or goals. i'm the living proof of the benefits that Gohonzon will shower on you, when you have faith and surge in the direction of shakubuku. as long as you have faith and keep kosenrufu in your daily prayers, all the smaller personal wishes will be fulfilled and opportunities will arise for shakubuku.

with this and numerous benefits my family and i have received, i am truly appreciative of my good fortune to be able to practice Nichiren Daishonin's True Buddhism.

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such an odd feeling of denial. no frantic tears or sleepless nights. but neither any coming to terms with reality as well. i'm always going to be twice my maturity, thrice my ability and forever courageous. i have to be braver than lions, stronger than steel and fearless like Hercules.

This is how strong I am. Dad, i miss you but don't you worry, nothing scares me anymore.

feel like bawling.

really really exhausted. how long more?

We'll Be A Dream - We the Kings
Do you remember the nights
We'd stay up just laughing
Smiling for hours
At anything
Remember the nights
We drove around crazy in love

When the lights go out
We'll be safe and sound
We'll take control of the world
Like it's all we have to hold on to
And we'll be a dream

now i gotta work on me, and deal with it

excuse my recent behaviour, due to the nagging insecurities i get
it's hard when in retrospect i realise things you say suddenly form a picture
a not-so-pretty picture that threatens me
pardon my selfishness, and my subconsicous inability to be convinced by your love
because i'm just not used to having my space invaded
with your what-should-be harmless social interactions
not sure if i made the right decision to open up my soul to you
to show you i'm really not that strong after all
sorry i don't take compliments well and reassurance is somehow undermined
yet i don't want you to be brutally honest with me as well
because sometimes the truth hurts more
right now bear with me please
while i own up to my necessary emotions that i can't help
tell me they are unfounded fears
tell me i shouldn't think more of things you say to me
tell me there's nothing to be afraid of
but, only if you mean it.

tell me, love, what is it that you need
that i haven't been able to give
tell me, love, what is it that you lack
that i didn't notice somehow
is there a chance for me to fight
or none - just me and flight
tell me, love, where's the claim i had
tell me, love, what's wearing me out
on second thought, maybe don't say
because
if i don't have the means to make you stay
i'd be too afraid to leave

rubbish in, rubbish out

in the midst of my spring-cleaning, i realised that i do have abit of a complusive-obsessive disorder. i need almost everything to be dust-free, as much as i can, considering my flat is by the main road and dust settles the moment you wipe it off. i hate fingerprints on my wardrobe mirrors, i feel the need to clean all the crooks and nannies in the room.

what's worse are the make-up items. girls, please clean out the old make-up items and wash all the sponges if you can't throw them out! i found old make-up items that have been sitting around for more than a year, i was so disgusted with myself. i'm not a diligent person when it comes to these things so when you really get down to doing it, let's do it good for once.

feels good throwing stuff away, make space for new revelations.

about 2 months into my new job and positively coping! seems like i'm always getting stressful work environments and very late nights but i'm staying positive. everyday is like fighting a new war so the soldier must brave on. the hospitality environment is very, very challenging so i'd just take each day as it comes! seeing big brands very day also kinda makes me feel a wee bit demoralised, i got no money! :( all my colleagues are clad in giogio armani, lv and chanel and the best i have is zara?! SO MOODY.

i just came back from a short trip to japan with my parents and i love japan! i must go back again soon, though it gets kinda expensive! but the supermarkets are amazing, like an enormous meidi-ya.

i must make it a point to take cabs less often and to lose weight! i'm getting fatter and fatter by the minute :(

meanwhile congrats to the new mummy carine, and hope to see your baby boy soon!

met up with the orchard girls for lunch, which was very worthwhile. although a short hour, it was reviving. by the way, minnies, your loud voice is comforting indeed, feels good to know you're nearby :) "min - heard first then seen." haha. and angel, the omnipresent one whose presence never fails to comfort too.

and we should do the bedroom thing again SOON with the other girls and finish the remainder!

tonight's gonna be a good, good night

everyday should be a good, good day
everyday is a good, good day!

goodness, overwhelm me.

i miss school. miss going to coffee joints early in the morning and hogging the seats till night to study. i even miss going to nus central library to do my neverending readings. can you believe it, for a person who hates exams, i miss studying. i miss writing my notes in all different shades of colours. i miss going to stationery stores to stock up on my collection. i miss using up every drop of ink in the highlighter and throwing the empty pens into the bins, pen after pen. i miss having the occasional afternoon beer at breko/hv while studying. i miss studying alone. i miss writing term papers. i miss doing research.

i'm so nostalgic i suck. i should look FORWARD, damnit.

have been hearing about wedding proposals of late. cliched as it may be, how's a giant billboard proposal down the ecp highway right in singapore?

i want to hold you when you've had a bad day. and please let me, i want to return the favour.

let's be each other's lighthouses in the stormy skies.

actually, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much time we have together or how we're spending time together. it just kinda very simply makes me happy just getting to see you. beneath the shields of armour, the simple girl in me can't help but smile when we meet. it beats everything else, even if just for a while, you make me feel better in this mad world.

and that is how simple love can be.

what i really want is to be jobless in october, and go for a holiday for my birthday.

i'm really bad at dealing with problems, all i want to do is escape from them. reality bites, i can so feel myself dwelling into negativity again. it's like quicksand, but i'm struggling to stay afloat.

it's time i took a break. always saying, never realising.

everything's gonna be alright. everything's gonna be alright. keep calm and carry on. hopefully i'd find strength, somehow.

sleepless & troubled

have been troubled over some matters over work and my employment issues. went for a few interviews and am pending reply from a particular company that i would like to work for. at the current place, i am about to embark (again!) on another project, this time all by myself. as the boss says, like an assessment for me as she'd like to offer me a permanent position (but mind you, it's a totally different job scope from what i've been doing, so what the fuck, i say she's just trying to take advantage of me damnit).

so i'm like eagerly awaiting for the the said company to offer me a job hopefully so i can RESIGN from the civil sector. i guess the job scope in the civil sector is pretty okay, but unfortunately i've been in the division which practices micro management and the management styles does not fit me at all, hence my desire to leave asap. SIGH. and this next project i'd be directly under the scary director, can't imagine my life. and it's in about a month's time...how to tender and serve notice...?!

i've this escapist attitude in my worklife, in my previous company too...each time i'm about to start on a new big project i feel threatened. i feel like i haven't made any big mistakes for the 1st project and i'm sure i'll screw up the next kind of mindset, then i choose to escape by resigning...don't know how i'll survive in the corporate world! feel like i've only the stamina and drive to wholly put my heart on only one major project at a time...

the corporate world is no fun. wish me luck.

the ironic motto in life: working to save up to quit working!

it is not about what car you drive. not about someone you know. not about the funds in your wallet. not about the expensive clothes you wear. not about the skin and bones you have. it is about the actions you bring through yourself and the words you mean - the things you do that mean so much to me. like the surprise pecks on my lips when i'm talking to you waiting for a reply, and all you do is lean in to kiss me.

you know how they say about the world spinning and the crowds still flashing by, while at the moment there is just only you and him.

yes i know that feeling exists.

photo credits yourebeautiful@tumblr

credits to yourebeautiful @ tumblr

perhaps all we need is someone for us to lean on during the times you need a shoulder. perhaps all we need is someone who can provide a listening ear during stressful periods. we don't need good-lookers, money-makers, fancy cars or branded suits.

maybe all we need is someone we can totally be ourselves, someone we can lean on, someone we totally trust.

maybe that's all. but you know we can't always have it all.