I AM

TIRED.

and still not done.

GRUMBLE. BLOODY HELLISH TIRED. I AM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF A 3DAY BREAK ONCE I'M DONE WITH SCIENCE PAPER AND S.PSYCHOLOGY RESEARCH.

JUST A BIT MORE TO GO!!!

silly.

he always says i'm silly. and that makes me feel like a little girl. we all want to feel like little girls. and i kind of like it.

:)

there's still this little knot in my heart that's quite inconspicuous. it sometimes makes itself noticed, most of the time it doesn't. when i realise its presence, it makes me want to squeeze my toes together, and squirm abit. i can never stop my internal battles, they seem to be warring all the time. there is just so much self-conflict going on i'm like paralysed. i don't know which part of myself to start helping. i mean, i'm just riled at myself, nobody exactly provoked me. i make myself more annoyed. i have so many issues with myself it's DAMN SICK.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

we had sizzler( sea-zr-ler, i can't pronounce this word for nuts) on saturday. it's been a loonnnggg time since we had a nice meal, which of course also came with a hefty bill (rhymes!). and we watched V for vendetta at midnight. i merely dozed off for a little weeny while. haha. i was rather engaged until the middle, i don't know what happened. but the boyfriend likes it. when will i see you again?

weekends are so surreal. i feel totally detached from my mundane life during the weekends. i don't come online, i don't touch my work, i don't touch my computer, i wake up to go out, i return to sleep. i am totally different. it feels like i take off into this fantasy world come friday and then paapaadum monday i'm back into the realistic cold hard place. ERGH. is this good or bad. 

his dessert











and mine.

so involved in my prosaic unimaginative life. and unproductive.

what the hell am i doing? my life is emotionally, physically whatever-ly stunted.

so jaded, life seems pointless. i don't feel like doing anything. i feel as if a hammer is slowly clobbering me to death. slow, painful torture.

oww.

xueting is my best friend. :) your bitchiness makes me love you more.

today, i woke up with a mouth ulcer. and i put some salt on it.
sometimes you crave for physical pain because it brings you bring to reality. pain makes you realise that you're still there. fortunately or not, i leave you to decide.

that friday night when i met ken, i felt so relieved. actually there was a surge of emotions when i saw him, because i have been feeling rather down lately, but i can't describe it. he gave me a hug, i was feeling so intense i cried in his arms. you know, when you have so much weighing on your shoulders, you don't know how you feel. when he held me, i just couldn't tolerate it anymore and let the tears roll. ever felt like this? it felt so much better to have someone hold you.

for more than 2 years, i must have been quite a torture to you, ken. my psychotic moments, my silly antics, my hysterical twin, my happy, my tears, you've seen them all. you've seen my moods swing from peaks to crests, yet at every wavelength, you've always been there. (i'm sometimes quite uncontrollable.) you always say you don't know how to comfort me, but just being there counts. you allow me to break free from all the insecurities and blanket all my fears. maybe not forever, but it's more than enough.

you're like a girl's pillow. where you soak all those late-night tears and absorb all the muffled screams. i hug you when i'm afraid, i throw punches at you when i'm insane. yet you still stay as sturdy as an anchor.

life is like a vast ocean, with hope and suffering. we're all ships meeting each other in the sea, sometimes we bang sometimes we help. and you're my harbour.

thank you, kenneth.

rachel and i are now at n.y.d.c with blasting music, blended with forks and spoons jingling, and kids yelling. okay with free wireless i will tolerate. and the smells are quite tempting as well. i don't think rachel knows i'm secretly skiving by blogging. haha. I SWEAR WE HAVE TO FINISH THIS PROJECT BY TUESDAY i.e. tomorrow.

and i went for a wedding on saturday...it was quite touching, because the theme was:

'today, i marry my best friend.'

impressive. and i totally can relate to it. many a time, besides all the wonderful girlfriends you have ( i love my girlfriends, by the way!), your best friend is ultimately him.

you're my best friend, chiggle chums. :)

i'm so guilty. ken sent me home first before booking in and ended up being late. stupid person didn't want to let him off. bloody asshole. what goes round comes round. that's why always be mean so you'll never have to feel disadvantaged.

my source of comfort. hug.

if you've been tuning in to class95...

girl meets guy wearing a blue pair of swimming trunks.

girl: do you know your eyes match your swimming trunks?
guy: why? are my eyes bulging?

hahaha.

fucking DRAINED.

i finally finally finished (i think) my social work report. i didn't meet the maximum 10 pages, but slightly less than 9.5pages. anyway they said an extra page will cost me 3 marks. so does the logic go the fewer pages the more marks? ah, whatever. it's only slightly more than 3000 words, i hope it's sufficient. BUT THEN AGAIN WHO CARES WHEN I'M DONE.

i absolutely HATE HATE HATE listing the references. they are worse than doing the essay! i rather write another thousand words!

i've finished one, 4 BLOODY more to go.
estimate:

science proj: 1 day to finish, another day to compile, another day to touch up, max = 4 days = must complete by 31 apr.

tourism proj: another 2500 words AND references, = maximum of 7 days (I'm damn generous) = must complete by 23rd march

social psychology report: 4 pages of work, which is absolutely UNDONE, i don't know how's my partner's diarrhoea is doing...:( = must complete by 3rd apr

jap studies proj: on hold. i don't know. must complete it by 15th April.

4th apr: 2 project deadlines and 1 bloody science test with calculators. now where is that damn thing?

I AM DAMN TIRED.
why do i always procrastinate? i never learn. i damn deserve the slaps life gives me.

yesterday morning my mom kissed me before she went for work. she hasn't done that in years. i remember the times when i was in primary school, she used to kiss me before going to work. :) that kiss made me feel like a little girl all over again. it feels weird saying that, now that i'm turning 20. in any case,
i love her so much.

do you think your mon's the bestest woman in the world? i think mine is. (:

i had war for dinner today. my dinner was painful. and is still hurting.

i didn't do much for you. and how much i regret it now. but there're no more chances to make up. you robbed my life away as well when you left. forever lost.

i miss you and i still dream of you
memories are slowly melting away
sometimes i pretend it's you who messaged
other times i hope it was you i called
thinking of you chokes me
but i can't help but stop breathing
for a while
i wish we could have
done so many things together.

i wish they weren't dreams at all. i wish, i wish, i wish. i miss you so much i think my throat's entangling itself.

hello. how are you? don't ask me. you wouldn't want to know.

you know the thin feeling between before crying and not? the feeling that your throat's stuck in the middle, you only help yourself by swallowing somemore so that the tears won't fall?

are you?

i feel locked in this glass bubble. i'm just trying to make life fit for me. life's like a shoe a size too small, i can wear it, but my feet turns blistered after walking. i try, you know, but life just doesn't fit. i'm stuck in this closet. i peep through the tiny slit where the doors join when closed. i'm so scared, i daren't make any sound. i don't like people, i wish i could just be wallpaper.

lost the capacity to live. do you feel detached from the life you're living?

i feel goddamned artificial, so fictitious.

i had a pleasant surprise tonight. i spoke to stan from melbourne and it felt really good catching up with an old friend. i asked for a postcard and i certainly hope he sends me one, just like he used to when he was still in singapore. i can't believe time passes so fast. he's settled and comfortable. i haven't money to send you the long johns you need but i send my love to down under! remember to heed my advice. haha. take care.

i've been cooping myself at home. not doing anything at all. i decided to light a candle. it burnt and then i was afraid it might start a fire, i blew it out in the end.

i got hungry. the pantry is empty, save for a few cans of cny canned foods. i opened a can of buddha jump over the wall and put it to simmer. i had it straight from the pot. i almost burnt my tongue. it wasn't satisfying but what could i do. i didn't want to leave the house.

at 8.31pm, i had just finished my shower. i realised the nose rest on my specs broke, i took the feeder to the optician and got it changed for no charge. i waited 7 minutes for the feeder back home. i finished an errand in 15 minutes.

nothing. i feel nothing. maybe i feel numb. or blank may be a better word. i'll feel more satisfied if something awful happens, then i can seize the opportunity to cry. at least temporarily the pain that has been welling up eases off for a little while.

but i'm really okay. nothing's really very wrong. i'm just complex.

nothing at all

you know sometimes you get all worked up for days on, you forgot how it all started in the beginning?

i'm quiet. i don't know why. there ain't nothing much to say now.

would it hurt you if i disappeared?

难道你不知道她有多爱你吗？

是我应该让步吗？

sorry. i don't know what to do.
i'm at my wits' end.

just when you thought everything was going well...

life never fails to fail you.

why?

sad.

when things happen, is it always my fault? why does it happen to you only? and why are you the one who feels like you've done it again, it's so fucking irritating. IS IT MY BLOODY FAULT?! why do you act like it's ME?! what the fuck did i do wrong? you know how bloody sick it feels when you're angry at me and then we scramble over words and the tables turn and NOW IT IS MY FUCKING BLOODY FAULT. i don't know. seems like i'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

painful.

disappointed. with myself and you.

just one word: sad.

no more muffins. no more.

as expected, i failed my science test with 14/30. and i have nobody to blame but myself, for my own complacence and laziness. i overestimated myself, thinking that i can scrape through my exams without any effort. this time, i have proven myself wrong. i should do away with this conceited mentality. meanwhile, the weekend is here! and i have two weekday dates with my girlfriends next week! i am so playful, i don't know how to make it through this semester.

things i want to do with the boyfriend:

1. travel
2. kayak
3. shop
4. explore new places
5. learn a new language or skill
6. exercise together
7. blow bubbles and lie in nice insect-free grass
8. fly kites
9. race (i don't know what i mean)
10. parasail
11. manicure and pedicure
12. massage
13. sing
14. visit amusement parks
15. cook

we need money, time, and more money and time. and i don't know if he's willing or not. :)

why i love him:

i can be the most ridiculous in front of him.
he can be the most comfortable with me.
he likes to pinch my flabby arms.
i like to hug him so much.
he entertains me all the time.
i can always count on him.
he holds me close just before i fall.

because he loves me.

i don't care what you do, i don't care what others think, i don't care if we'll settle in the dumps,
it'll all turn out okay, it'll all turn out well, because we have each other. that's all enough for me.

kenn. so very special.