and i deserve to be slapped.

come on, hit me. or else.

i've stuffed alot of goodies in my bag for the journey, although it's only less than 2 hours. i hope ken won't be so early so i can dilly-dally a while but i'm scared i won't get good seats if i'm late. byebye and hope i'll have a safe and enjoyable trip!

to everyone:

happy holidays!

(:

well, the verdict's out. i didn't see any a's, i mean look at the rate i'm studying at, i can't expect any a's. i got a mix of b's and c's. and the best part i got a C+ for jap!!! gosh the lecturers are really lenient with me (maybe they pitied me). i'm sort of disappointed for english and philo, i thought i'd fare the best in these 2 modules but well, well, there goes. have to work harder next time.

finally

my baby boy is finally back. i woke up at 8am yesterday in order to meet him as early as possible. and his place looks so much bigger with the new painting done! the colours are lighter and makes the whole place look brighter and more refreshing. we watched king kong later which brought me on a roll of emotions. the introduction was immensely boring, then came the 'shipwreck' (or whatever you call it) part which was quite exciting and a couple more scenes of running brontosauruses and awfully huge sucking insects (if insects give you an idea of 'small' then these are ENORMOUS insects) and then i was crying my eyes black from the more touching scenes. the part which king kong was hit by the chloroform was so bloody pitiful i couldn't help it and then when king kong was shot by planes i was really very tearful. i am quite ashamed at myself because there were scenes which i refused to see 'cos they were too disgusting while the little kids in front and behind me kept their eyes peeled throughout the entire movie.

i finally visited mos. there was a long queue at 945 already when we reached there, although doors opened at 9. then i had my dinner whilst in the queue. i didn't like the retro music there as much as i enjoyed zouk because there were times of trance which absolutely turned me off. but i must say the hiphop r&b is better than phuture's though. it's a very big place, the main hall is bigger than zouk but it wasn't packed enough, in fact there was plenty of space. but the r&b floor was really very small. there are many little rooms where you can sort of 'pop' into and the place is really spacious. i don't think i'd go there again for its music but guess what? 2 jugs for a dirt cheap $10.50. i don't if there was some kind of promo going on or what. we played guessing games with this really nice guy from detroit. at first i thought he was some sick man but he turned out to be really funny and kind. he actually did a split in the middle of the walkway in front of the bar. haha. i thought aw should have gotten his biz card earlier. now i feel like going zouk next wednesday.

p.s. i'm really glad you're home. you don't know how much i missed you.

it suddenly occured to me that i lost myself a long time ago. i've never been truly happy since i left my childhood. when i was a kid, i used to visit my dad at his office in balestier every saturday with my mom. we'd go to orchard first to pick up some clothes for my barbies. i'd sit at the last row on the bus and lay on mom's lap to sleep. i developed the habit of sleeping on buses since i was young. all i felt was a sense of security and i had no worries at all or i didn't know how to worry. i'd stay in dad's office to play with my dolls or play with the office door that hung some bells. so i'd go in and out just to ring the bells. my mom will tear the perforated sides of some rough paper and fold them into little caterpillars for me. i'd visit the florist beside the office and play with the 'jiejie' next door. my parents celebrated their wedding anniversaries almost every year. and at the same restaurants - either the restaurant 88 at wtc or some tung lok one. my brother and i used to snigger and get disgusted if my parents held hands or did something squirmy of that sort.

well, nothing of that sort now. of my adolescenthood, i remember i had such a big fight with my dad, i punched my hands against the wall and got a swollen purple thumb in return. i had the habit of hurting myself just to vent my anger. i loved to sit on of my wardrobe and knock my forehead against it with a steady rhythm slowly. it wasn't exactly painful i just felt it's fun doing that. i think i got that idea from 'bless the child'.

i have never been good at anything. i can't play a musical instrument, i can't carry off a tune, i can't swim to save my life, i can't cycle at all, i can't cook a decent meal, i'm not exactly doing well in school, i can't work, i can't count properly, the list grows longer and longer. i basically have nothing to my life. i'm like a flower which is about to bloom, but starved from lack of water and light and harsh handling, the bud drops off and there will be no flower. but who to blame?

be glad you haven't my life. i've come to accept it, i'm neurotic. i'd like it to stay that way too.

'if you haven't anything productive to say, don't say.'

Based on the drawing and the 10 answers they gave this is a summary of their personality:

You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes. When it comes to love, you shut yourself off. It's difficult to win your heart because you have decided to keep your feelings deep inside. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be. You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. We also see that you are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. You don't think much about yourself.

thanks to shan for the site: www.drawahouse.com

it's fun and rather accurate! (:

sad to say, i hadn't been to the movies for a long time. i finally watched perhaps love yesterday with the girlfriends. i thought it was okay 'cos it's something different from the other films, but i wouldn't say it's a must-watch. it's kind of disorganised and confusing. so they juxtaposed the real-life lovers with the film in which they were acting in. i didn't think the depiction was well-done because the images were sort of flying all around the screen. i don't know, i'm not really good with movies, anyway, i can't describe what i don't like about it! there was just something, i find no words to fit in though. well, to satisfy the curiosity brought about by the media about this film, you should watch it. memoirs of a geisha is out on jan 19 next year. i am patiently waiting for it! i absolutely love the book and i always think movies will never be as good as the books. reading allows you more imagination, isn't it? i like its subtle eroticism, because it leaves you much space to actually imagine yourself in sayuri's shoes. for those who have read it, i absolutely enjoyed the part where the baron undressed her in his room and yet she was so helpless about. i mean, you could almost feel sayuri in you! the book has such an intensity of feelings.

so if you really love me, let it show.

as much as i tried to prevent a burn, ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! i applied quite alot of sunblock of sph 25 and apparently it's not enough. the sun wasn't really 'there', it appeared and disappeared for the few hours i was in the pool. I HATE GETTING BURNT. and it doesn't help when i'm going on holiday soon, i should have gotten out of the damned sun sooner. and after my bath i stood in front of the mirror for a good 30 minutes to slap on as much moisturiser as i could. and i ran out of aloe gel, good luck to me now. my shoulders are patchy red and sore. gosh, i hate sunburns! i hope it gets better faster, hopefully by tomorrow!

my 2nd christmas without you, how can i say all i want for christmas is you? i miss you so much.

woke up to a ringing handphone alarm, realising it's sunday. laid in bed somemore with the sunday times and a couple of chapters of the bell jar. it's kind of empty not spending the weekend with him and a whole week without seeing him. you realise when you have nothing to do, you just stare into space and many many thoughts come rushing to you like waves crashing onto shore, so hurriedly, but the only difference between these thoughts and the waves - they don't leave as fast as the waves do (or do they even leave?). had mom's cooking for lunch, gosh, it's been ages since she put her hands to cooking, i love her. poor woman burnt her finger and all i could was to quickly get some vaseline to soothe the burns. she said i'm so clumsy because i haven't been cooking for so long. then i'd rather you not cook. indeed an idle afternoon with nothing to do, but plenty on the mind. all i did was to chew piece by piece from the milk tray and stare blankly at the tv screen with mtv 2005 music awards on but not paying any particular attention to anything. i listen to the noises made by passing traffic, honks and vroom-vrooms i almost wish for some kind of screech and bang! - just to jolt me out of this depressing state of mind that i always seem to sink into, whether out of will or not.

even the weather is playing my game - it's started raining.

boulevard of broken dreams.


我也只有那么坚强而已。

无助。

at some point of time in my life
my feelings grip me so tightly
i can do nothing but shiver
then it releases me so sudden
it feels nothing's happened before
they brush me lightly
yet so significantly
i try to forget
still at night they come running back
they create impressions on this confused girl
and make her so helpless.

i feel like i'm being chased by a lion right to the sea cliff. i haven't anywhere to go, there's no one to save me. who'll be there for me, when i don't even know where i'm heading to?


so helpless.

after talking to the bkk king a.k.a rachel ho, i can't wait to go on a shopping spree! but i am quite paranoid about black magic, robbers and everything. i can be so old-fashioned. haha. yay, i shall reveal the real shopaholic in me again! it has been under covers since july. it seems like whenever i 'shop' in singapore, i feel jaded, bored and unfeeling. there is nothing in singapore worth the money!

i miss my baby boy.

really, sugianto was really nice and friendly. he had no airs at all. he didn't even hesitate to say yes when we asked for a photo. and the plus plus plus he was really gentlemanly and he put his hands on our backs during the photo!!! he was really gentle, i think he was afraid we might mind. (please you can just hug me, but i doubt) i can't believe i'm 19 and still gushing over stars. my inner child is still a teenager. haha. too bad he didn't actually dance on the floor. but derrick sort of moved with the music. and both of them were busy chewing gum. i wonder if anyone recognised them as well.

i love wednesdays!

this is one hell of a night. first we saw adam chen. we were this close to taking a pic with him but my stupid hand had to pull joy back (i had no idea why i did the brainless act) and adam chen left. so disappointed. on the dancefloor we saw sugianto and derrick so many times, i couldn't help myself and tapped him vigorously on the shoulder (i don't know what made me so thick-skinned must be the alcohol) and said hi and he said hi back! (gush, gush) then we left zouk, hung around the bridge (so thankful we didn't go for supper with jason, carine). and i made some comment like if i saw sugianto i SWEAR i was going to ask for a picture then may just shot out 'well, they're there'. frantic and flustered. hahaha. but of course, i did it.

lynn: erm hello can we take a photo with you?
sugianto: sure, (pointing to somewhere) you want to face there 'cos there's light
lynn: erm you want to ask them as well?
sugianto: -insert derrick's nickname- photo! (in his cute indonesian accent, ohohoh!!!)

then we hung out for a while more, long enough to see derrick and sugianto leave in a yellow cab. and no, we didn't follow them. haha.


sugianto looked so bloody suave in his attire and his hair is really damn eyecatching! cute cute cute!

p.s. i am going bkk for xmas! wahoo!

i ought to 'revive' my resolution:

i must be nice to everyone! I MUST NOT HATE ANYONE. i must learn to be less petty and kinder. i must be big-hearted. i really want to be nice to everyone. friends, please help me along. i must LOVE MORE, hate none.

this is difficult but i will try!!!

perhaps this will seem sick to some of you. i love being on medication, especially if it's something i haven't taken before. i'm on penicillin now, i hope it will not react adversely with alcohol since i have to complete the entire course. i like taking pills, don't ask me why, especially little small pills. since young, i've also liked the smell of petrol and gas, so i've always enjoyed going to the petrol kiosk with my dad. but no longer, since i figured there must be something quite abnormal with me to enjoy these 'scents'. haha. maybe i still do?

something was wrong with picasa so i ended up with this. ahhhhh...i am going to miss you badly.

a bunch of thanks to the birthday girl (9 dec) angeline who also gave out presents on her special day! a pair of lovely earrings, a cute towel and an adorable disney pouch. very sweet.
also, i love my mom even more because she never fails to surprise me. this time, with a bag, 2 skirts and a tee and a blouse! yum yum.

the holidays this time haven't been very pleasant. i have been plagued by ailments since the very start until now. while my toothache is on its way to disappear (i sure hope for good), i am still voiceless. i went to kbox and before i knew it, halfway playing games at mindcafe, i became voiceless. that night was horrid, i'd loved to sing with min but i was really voiceless and in pain. today i am better although still voiceless. all kinds of medicine have proved to be of little help, i am troubled and very disturbed. sad to say, i'm going to be missing ken alot alot alot because he is leaving for thailand on tuesday morning. for more than a week. i am left in singapore alone. but i think i can count on carine to go xxxx with me. :) seriously, carine, i would have made your day more interesting yesterday if i could talk. sorry. haha. but i hope we don't have to talk much next week because loud retro music speaks louder than words!

ken, i'm already missing you.

i have had a bloody toothache since sunday! it's almost killing me. i hope this is a good start towards dieting since there is no available food except for whipped potato. but then again, potatoes are carbo food, i don't see how i can lose weight from filling myself with potatoes. and i refuse to see a dentist: 1. it is too expensive. 2. i am darn scared! so there goes...

i am dying to get the 2006 organiser from kino but there was no new one. the opened one is already tattered and torn, but the designs are lovely. :( i am going to help ken in spring-cleaning this weekend, i am so scared i'll be allergic to dust and mites. his apartment is going for a major painting renovation so we got to clear alot of things. we are going for the minimalist concept, we will throw away alot alot alot of unwanted rubbish and redesign the room. sounds easy, but i guess...anyone knows how to make a hat out of newspaper? you know the tv scenes, the couple puts on hats while painting the walls? then they laugh at each other for having paint marks on their faces, all the giggling and tickling? hahaha. minus that, we won't have any of those, because the contractors are in charge of painting, not us. boo-hoo.

samsung heiress to about US$191 million.
26 years old, attractive.
well-educated - just begun graduate studies at NY university.
always chauffered around in a limousine, accomapnied by bodyguards.
took her own life by hanging herself in her apartment in NY.
speculated that she suffered from depression after her parents opposed to her marriage plans with her boyfriend.

well, well. you're quite pretty. see you.

friday: we spent the night putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. i thought it was rather difficult although there were only 500 pieces, i am not a fan of jigsaw puzzles, really. because i have been fixing puzzles the past few days, i hadn't any more energy to finish out jigsaw. i fixed piglet and roo while ken finished pooh, eeyore and tigger. we're still left with lumpy and the background. i doubt i'll be the one finishing the whole piece.

saturday: walking around town before we went for an island spin. ken has got to be the best boyfriend in the entire world (ok, your boyfriend too) he drove from 5pm to 2am straight, i think i must have tired him out. we travelled almost the whole of singapore. we went from one end to another and used up more than half the tank in one night. it's a priceless feeling to have wind in your hair, music in your ears and your boyfriend's hand in yours.

today: he's got to be my last boyfriend. (: