finally completed all my assignments! so pleased i am going to take a break the whole of next week...when my baby is going to be on leave! i have such a temptation to skip wednesday and friday to give myself an unofficial one week break. gee-hee. but guess what, my sc tutor actually rescheduled the tutorial to be on a SATURDAY. whoopee. i'll see what i can do abt it. :(

be thankful for what i have, not lament about what i don't.
1. a mom who loves me very, very much!
2. a boyfriend who loves me more than anything else! (i have proof)
3. girlfriends who are always there for me.
4. the gang!
5. enough money to spend
6. good computer guru friend who can fix your computer. haha. i know you are reading.
7. holidays every year

erm. this is quite a short list, but i AM contented. you should be too, make a list and feel happy! you know your loved ones are the most important to you, and yes, my loved ones include my good friends!

why is it that something's missing in the doorway
while i let the cd spin
it's spinning awake all the forgotten memories
such a soft sadness lingers
i didn't mean to cause any trouble
they don't understand
i hide the truth in my eyes
where's the me i used to be

my resolutions for i-dunno-what:

1. to be more magnanimous and have a bigger heart.
2. stop hating people (well...besides my dad...)
3. not be so petty and narrow-minded (no point comparing myself with others since i am a already born loser)
4. stop scolding my mom for no reason
5. end my for-no-reason tantrums and grumbling (ken and my mom should be hands-up for this)
6. take things more slowly
7. love more, love more, love more.
8. learn to take care of myself
9. KEEP IN MIND THE ABOVE.
10. LIVE MY LIFE FOR MYSELF AND LOVED ONES AND NO ONE ELSE.

i think i won't be able to accomplish all of these any time soon, but i'll really really try.

funny how my weekends are becoming routine, yet i still love them.

it's genuine when i tell you i feel sad
it's correct when i tell you life sucks
it's true when i tell you i am tired
it's me when i tell you i love you.

love is not feeling the pain when he gets hurt, but holding his hand whilst trying to stop the bleeding.

yangyang had an ear infection for the past 5 days. actually, his ear came off a little, sort of out of place, then we were so worried, thinking if we can sew it back. then we sent him to the hospital for surgery, where ken's mom used grey thread to fix his ear. yangyang is now as good as new! although i wish he would go for a bath, but he is quite against it.

kenneth, i am so happy to see you today! and no, i am not bored, not tired, not sick of this relationship, in fact, i wish for many more years! you make me smile. (:

by the way, i think name-dropping is an act of insecurity. i'm sorry you need to assert your identity by such.

i feel like playing board games again!

i am so freaking tired. and i forgot to mention, i failed my jap test, as expected. and i haven't gotten back my other papers. i can only pray that i can pass my other modules to offset the bad grade in japanese. i am so damn slogged, and i have another 2000 words to go. how do i go on? i have to catch some sleep. i am falling sick, very tired, having a bad throat, splitting headache, what is this? dengU fever? or Umonia?

with each day complete,
we paint more pages to our memory,
we brush more strokes to our picture,
and when we grow old,
we'll hang our painting up on the wall,
a priceless masterpiece.

you're priceless, we're our masterpiece. thank you for a wonderful 2 years...and counting!

happy 2nd anniversary to my significant other! hope we can keep this special bond for many, many more years. i love you to bits.

i wish i could keep you in my shadow,
if i could,
then i wish again you could be my light,
so that all the time you'd shine,
and all the time i could have you, right with me.

my 'new' skirt is altered from an old pair of jeans by my mom. if anyone is interested to change your old jeans to a skirt or any form of alteration of any clothes, feel free to approach me. my mom will charge you cheap for changing your jeans to a skirt (price is negotiable, definitely less than $16, the more the cheaper). she is intending to carry out some form of alternative home employment. (:

i wonder if you're on any one of the pretty clouds up there.
i wonder if any of the blinking stars in the sky belong to you.
i wonder if the falling rain is you missing me.
i wonder if you'd know how much i try not to think of you all the time.
i wonder when can i meet you again.

i had this recurring dream (or nightmare) twice. there were like 3 children who drowned. i met them everywhere i went, but didn't know they were spirits until i saw a newspaper report of children who died recently. they went to my old place in toa payoh and were asking me for help. i couldn't see them, but i knew they were there. each time i closed the house door, the door would open again. but i didn't know what help they needed from me. and i woke up.
i am such an avid dreamer, it is rather scary that i always remember my dreams and they would have such an impact on me.

pessimism feeds my soul.

do you all remember how to smile?

happy 27th birthday, korkor.

we all miss you badly.

let's just agree that the world fucking sucks, it hurts just breathing.

to carine,
asking you not to feel sad is impossible. i have no cheery words for you because i know it helps not one bit. but i just want to let you know i'm feeling just as much pain as you now, maybe in a different sense, but i am in and have been in your shoes. you're not alone feeling the struggles of this sick awful world. with this, i hope it does make you feel a little better.

maybe i don't really want to give birth at all. this world is far too harsh for anyone. far too harsh.

it is SO SO SO SO SO SO hot.

i am looking forward to the weekend.

i am so tired.

what the girls gave me this year, all the way from kuala lumpur. they always pick the most meaningful gifts for me. last year, they compiled the messages we've penned throughout the secondary school days and put them down in a book. 7 years and counting, and i am so thankful for these girls who have gone through up and downs with me. i can't say more but i love you.

it's ridiculously ironic i'm living a life that's enveloping me i'm almost smothered to death. life's not letting me go from its shackles, it's not letting me go. it is not letting me go i am so so so in pain.

happiness was never, has never, will never be a choice for me.

who will love me?

friday was so much so much fun. i felt like i was back in my secondary school days. i wish i could feel that way all the time. we laughed till our stomachs burst, i love being with you all. mind cafe is like the perfect place to hang out with your favourite buddies. thanks to hwan for such a good suggestion. i want to go there again, soon! we played pictionary, taboo, i'm the boss, fruit salad, disneymonopoly, and alot alot more. at night i think we were felt as if we were drunk (we only had fish and chips and alot of water) we spent like half an hour looking for a dice. angel and i were practically nuts, and min wanted to sweep the dice from under the sofa with a broom! we had such a lovely time, it reminded me of our chalet days, when min almost burnt the entire kitchen down with the microwave oven. happiness is short-lived, i always like to think. i want to bring ken to mind cafe.

i still remember the days.

i think of you every night
i do the best i can
not to miss you all the time
there's no closure for my emotions
and will never be
each time they speak of their brothers
all i do is to cringe inside
urging my heart not to fight itself.

all i am doing is to look forward to the weekend where i can seek solace in the company of zq and mommy. when every weekend is an enjoyment and it just flies past so quickly, it makes my entire week seem alot worse and draggy. sickening.

all the thanks in the world to nasha and nasrul. the surprise birthday gift really brightened up my day! i love the book, i must start reading it soon! (: we watched 40-year-old virgin last night, which i found was hilarious. i think i laughed a little too loud in the cinema. really quite funny, a million times better than corpse bride!

路

梁静茹

回头看来时的路
总有些复杂感触
我们走的那么辛苦
好不容易才到这地步
不被了解的痛楚 到不了爱的净土
是你让我越过冲突 陪我走过 风雨险阻这一段路
如果开始就能看见幸福
不在别人眼光耳语中迷路
或许我不能把爱看清楚
想把你的手牢牢握住
如果这是通往爱的旅途
也许过程注定要荆棘密布
但我不后悔选择这条路
你的爱让我深深体会
活着的感触
不被了解的痛楚 到不了爱的净土
是你让我越过冲突 陪我走过 风雨险阻这一段路
如果开始就能看见幸福 不在别人眼光耳语中迷路
或许我不能把爱看清楚 想把你的手牢牢握住
如果这是通往爱的旅途 也许过程注定要荆棘密布
但我不后悔选择这条路 你的爱让我深深体会
活着的感触 有时我不愿回头看 一路太多眼泪混乱
幸好有你我才变得勇敢 如果开始就能看见幸福
不在别人眼光耳语中迷路 或许我不能把爱看清楚
想把你的手牢牢握住 如果这是通往爱的旅途
也许过程注定要荆棘密布 但我不后悔选择这条路
你的爱让我深深体会 我从不后悔选择这条路
因为你的爱让我看见 活着的幸福

i love liangjingru.

i say people always regret the things they used to say the things they used to do. i saw people playing rugby on tv and i was reminded of the times in college. i used to go for your matches, wait for you to finish your training, watch rugby matches, imitate rugby players, you even taught me how to play (or maybe tried to teach). the funny thing is, i also continously complained why you spent so much time on rugby and left little time for me and your studies. but i miss those times so much, maybe you don't know, i love to see you play in matches. i even miss the you soaked in your perspiration after every game. so charismatic, so in-charge. the competition you fought in, the vigour in your eyes, the strength in your limbs, with every move you make, attracts me so much.

i miss you, ken.

today i must thank diyana, for she gave me my favourite candy, that had ken and i busy munching in the bus to town. so sweet. (:

this evening i had my first indonesian meal in 19 years, i think. i tagged along with mom and her colleagues to clark quay for dinner, i must say, indonesian food isn't really that unappealing, like i had always thought. i am so full now i feel guilty having such a heavy dinner. i am sososososososososososo fat i daren't weigh myself. and another thing, i don't know if i should feel glad that i missed my jap class today, and going to miss tomorrow's. AIYAH. DIE LAR. i've got a hunch that my old habit is getting in shape again! urgh. i am so ill-disciplined and bloody yah-yah, thinking that i can still scrape through my exams without attending classes. good luck to me.

WAHOO. BEST WISHES, LYNNETTE.

:(

i have been meeting you for the past 4 days, but i still miss you. grrrrr.

thanks to mabel who remembered my birthday, i am so touched! (:

with my first time blogging in lecture, i must say it is quite interesting. i don't understand why the lecturer doesn't give notes before his lecture, i cannot concentrate without any notes and that's why i am here. my mom was so nice to put a paper bag at the back of the bed, and being the stupid me, only realised when i was about to sleep that there was a gift waiting for me. i am so darn happy, and absolutely love my mommy to bits. she said she put it in the wardrobe at first because she thought i would go in, but decided to take it out. ken had yangyang sit on his foyer floor with my gifts and he greeted me with a slice of blackforest cake. too bad we didn't take any photos.

i love all of you. thank you for making my day. and the radio airtime really made this birthday a very special one.
thanks girls for the toy and the pouches.
thank you ken for the slippers i've always wanted, the cute pink cap (i must start to wear it!) and the smelly lip balm. (: you make me smile.
of course to my dad for my birthday money, as usual. (=
and to my beloved mommy who got me my watch and bag which must have cost at least a few hundred. i really really didn't expect any more gifts from mom since she got me my phone earlier last month. i love her.

when birthdays are just another day to pass.

2 years ago today, you brought home a big cake for me.
20 days later, before i could call 'korkor',
you were gone.
whilst i struggle with life's battles,
i cannot stop the violent inner conflicts within me.
i try to, but i cannot reject piercing memories of you.
not wanting to forget your face, sadly i can only remember you on your last bed.
thoughts of you wrench the soul out of me,
i miss you so much so much,
there's no one who'll quite know my pain.

kenneth, you make up most of my life.
thank you for being the surprise, the party, the strength of my life.
(:

i can only love you.