because of you - kelly clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

for mellow. i miss you too damn much.

i've taken to doing every single thing on my bed. i am so damn lazy these days. it's really bad for my back and shoulders. i am now in the wardrobe, trying a whole new place to see if i have any inspiration for my soci tutorial. sadly it isn't yielding any results yet, and it's rather warm here, but at least i am away from mozzies that may be planning an ambush in the bedroom.

eccentricity.

today we spotted this guy in a red tee during lecture, he had a RED HAIRCLIP clipped onto his short tuft of hair! after the lec, we saw him again in the canteen. it was small, shimmering red, and absolutely matched his outfit. i had a good mind to ask him why the fuck has he a hairclip on his hair. i was contemplating to ask him or not, but the next moment i saw him the hairclip was gone. double boo. not that it was anything wrong, i just thought it was pretty interesting for a guy to don a red hair clip. curiosity kills the cat.

i am not given a chance
so all i know is to run
my mind stops being rational
my soul and heart cannot reconcile
my vision blurs my speech slurs
but nobody bothers
i am simply only dirt.

and so it is. we all forget the warmth in the cold, we all forget the joy in the sorrow, we all forget to love others as much as we love us.

people say life goes on. does it really? life goes on blindly i think. i am leading myself to nowhere. i am going through an identity crisis, who am i and what the hell am i here for. it's like the blind and deaf leading the blind. i feel so unhappy, unsettled. demanding that life give me somemore, but it ends up life gives me something much worse in return. life spins me round and round. life practically makes a joke out of me. does anyone even notice the difference why i smile or frown? or rather, does it make a difference in anyone's life that i am grinning or crying? each man is for himself. so i'll just leave you alone and hope you'd leave me too. because i cannot hold on much longer, and i definitely cannot help you too, i'd just make you feel worse. i have never felt so undermined, i am only a joke. would you even bother? life never did warn me, i never took precautions. i cannot blame anyone but myself. this life is so lonely, and i don't know where it goes. my life is waning.

even my shadow seems to be avoiding me
to everywhere i go
i am only myself
i am only alone
something's on my lonely mind
somebody make me smile again
i'm falling into pieces and
it's so painful
all i wanted was to smile again.

i wasn't given any second chances.

my tests this week are finally over. i am bound to fail my jap test, or rather my entire module if i carry on like this. but i have been trying, still i cannot seem to hang on, i give up after umpteen times of disappointment. i am so tired. i guess i'll just wait and see. i'm looking forward to meeting zq. time after time i emphasis, you're my only source of strength.

happy 19th to samuel!

hope you still had a relatively good one though you were in camp :(

lately all the work i've been doing is rewriting and rewriting and rewriting my philo essay. i have no other time to do any other work, less study for jap and soci. i am so going to leave nus for good. imagine me waving GOODBYE to campus. i seriously am thinking twice about what i really want in life. what is the point of all these? what the fuck have i been doing when all i really want is to enjoy play enjoy and play. i would like a life free of any worries, travel the world entirely from one inch of the world to the other end of the universe, love all whole-heartedly, trust all freely, and smile genuinely. unfortunately, the above-mentioned is not possible at all, not even without ceteris paribus. so many many many things are not within our control, though we are the ones living this life, sadly, we do not have the liberty to be selfish, what more, exclusive. freedom is FAKE in capital letters.

zq, if you ever read this, i just wanted to say

i love you.

we spent saturday watching dvds from day to night. then the room became so dark i tried to walk to the switch but i incurred a bruise when i knocked onto the end of the bed. the pain was so sharp and i thought i was going to die. ken rubbed my bruise until i was crying. so did my mom. i am really one hell of a clumsy pig. i hate myself. the bruise on my shin is almost as big as my palm, and i have to steer off skirts and berms for now, until is new tattoo is gone.

good luck to my good friend who is having his driving test on tuesday. i am waiting for you to give me a ride!

we had a fun time at forbidden then we headed down to home (where ken & co. supposedly saw fiona xie). we didn't go into home in the end 'cos we thought it was abit too late. then we headed for supper and some indian poker. we returned tired but happy. a fantastic night.

p.s. pity 2 boys are missing from the pic.

like a thief
i stole myself and put me in your care
but you never did realise i was there.

the past few days were so busy i had to put off the books and although i know procrastinating is a no-no, i just cannot help it. i have so many tests next week and assignments due and i am not even started! and i am looking forward to the end of the week as well! my entire week seems to be a reverie, because we are going out during the weekend as well. i have never been busier having fun. (:

i think i will sustain injuries very, very soon.

deprived beings only in search of an outlet to
satisfy their cravings for fame or attention
but when life cannot balance on the crest of a choppy wave
there is no buoy to hang dear life on
we just drown into the quicksand

was there a time when you last remembered
how to smile genuinely
and not to slap on that mask before you left your bedroom
did we forget that life is beautiful
and all we had to do was to hold hands and stroll
but things made us so sick, so tortured
that we are now all walking disguises.

i'd throw in the towel because i am too weak to continue this aimless battle.

i absolutely love 'you're beautiful'. i am listening to it repeatedly and still not getting bored of it. a million thanks to yiwei for setting up my wireless for me today. thank you again for the earrings as well. (: if it's not for you, i won't be blogging on my bed right now.

test results:

Class ClownYou are 0% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 85% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.
You are the Class Clown. This means you walk down the center of the classroom with books on your head, while the teacher stares on in...
Shit, I really need to stop looking at these pictures while I'm typing.
Anyway, I MEANT to say that you are the Class Clown, and this means that you are extroverted, mean, and arrogant. You are not very rational, so you gravitate towards things that produce feelings or emotions over thoughts (like fart jokes or spitballs, for instance). You are also an extrovert and rather full of yourself, so of course you want constant attention for yourself and think you are somehow better than others. You can also be a bit mean-spirited, and like a class clown you wouldn't hesitate to make a joke at someone else's expense, no matter how terrible it would make them feel. So your personality defects are that you have to be the center of attention, that you don't care about others, and that you are rather irrational and motivated by intuitions. Now stop walking around with those books on your head and sit down this instant!
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

i absolutely love the brutal part. i am quite sick, i watched cinderella man, half the time hiding behind ken because the violent parts scared me, then the next moment i told him that if my husband was killed in the boxing ring, i will stab his opponent to glory death. i mean, i will stab him dead.

when sam said 'appreciate old friends', i wonder if he was talking about us. (:
it is nice to know you have a few good friends by your side all the time, it is comforting to know a few buddies are with you all the time, it is good to just have a few. we don't need a social universe, we have our own small world.
-courtesy of rachel, who is now opposite me while i am at this :)

my baby is off on monday which means we can spend our 23rdmonth together.

i thought by running away you would come after me, i thought by weeping you would comfort me, i thought by hiding you would search for me.
but you never did.

i picked this lovely quote from jiayu's nickname:

they must be jealous of us so loving, they took you away from me. forever.

i wrote you a letter today, but i didn't know where to send it to...

i think this sounds rather sick on my part, but i get this odd feeling, i keep seeing the time at 4.44pm lately, i may die soon i think. lest this premonition comes true (pray let it), to all my good friends out there, i love all of you and am thankful that all of you came and stayed in my life. because it is YOU that kept me going on. i'm sorry i haven't been good enough a friend as you were to me, because i was a selfish bitch who deserves nothing but hell. i'm sorry when i wasn't there when you needed me most, whilst i am still alive and kicking, i'm going to make it up to you people. a good deed deserves another. i live a life full full full of regrets, and it seems i can't learn my lesson at all, in fact i still take things for granted. i want to change for the better but i have this disgusting attitude that stops me. i have lost the passion for life. i cannot laugh loudly, i cannot smile sincerely, i cannot do things wholeheartedly now, i cannot live life to its fullest now, which was my only dream. lost the love for life, spontaneity for life, energy for life. how many of us can say i will live life to its brim, and leave no regrets when i leave this world?

will i get it back?

the time comes when you have lost the life in you, and each day you pass, you are only waiting for the moment into your grave.

adam sandler is my dream guy, well, apart from brad and jude and ewan and ken of course. and sang woo. haha. he is so uber uber uber charismatic! i like the longest yard although it is very cliched, but the esprit de corp thing keeps me watching such shows. i just like it alot! and he is so cute. and nice. and everything, he looks like a perfect father! i want to watch april snow. bae yong jun can also satisfy the dream guy criteria...but i am more thumbs-up for ksw.

(:

it was a good time. i don't have many people to call friends, but at least i am so glad i have a few close ones. that'll do. too bad someone is missing in the picture. (:

ken.

i wonder when can we meet up and have such a fab time again. nothing beats old friends. i feel sort of scared now actually. there is some kind of foreboding feeling. gosh, i miss you all already.

meeting up with the gang was very surreal, very dreamy, very worthwhile. because i haven't felt so relieved in such a long time, i sort of 'released' myself for that span of time. i haven't felt so carefree. but i know relaxing does come with a big price, so there goes. but in the meantime, i am going gaga over my new pink phone!

i am thinking of getting the new samsung phone, e530 something, i think. because it has many colours to choose from. plainly just that. haha. but i think it will be a birthday present from mommy. i thought she would just buy me a phone because i need one, since the current se is so old. which also means i can't get anything else anymore. or...can i? i feel like going bangkok with mom. but my dad will surely object since it is the school term. :( i wish i just lived with mom alone. i love her to a million bits and pieces.

i am so sick and tired of school. i am having my 5-hr break now and not feeling very fortunate about it. i really shouldn't have put my tutorials on an even week, because it is so hectic. i had to rush all my readings and assignments like a mad monkey. furthermore, it is such a coincidence that i have to attend my foster aunt's wake these few days making my week even more exhausting. i am so thankful i don't have to attend school this monday, but then again i might just go for my alternate tutorial. i don't know if i am making sense. because i have quizzes, quizzes and more quizzes to study for it is neverending. i think this is worse than common tests since cts are not WEEKLY! and i totally suck at my japanese, in fact i am lost in every subject. it is so disgusting my first semester is going haywired. i didn't even get to meet ken at all, this makes me the saddest. not one minute is spent without worrying about my schoolwork and i think ken will spend my weekend accompanying me doing my assignments. i say, taking a shower is already a luxury.

can't wait to watch stairway.
and i miss my boyfriend badly.