this is for my father:

i hate you. period.

your justifications only make you look plain worse.

i hate you.

i hate you.

perhaps not many people at my age would think similarly...
i only dream to having my own children and being a good mother to them.
in about 8 to 10 years' time, i hope i would have had my first child.
:)

something was dragging me down i didn't know what.
big drops fell as if they were rain.
the lightness of it made me feel empty,
yet it was tough struggling to hold on.
so,
i fed my soul to the fleeting wind,
and never got it back.

i miss him so much.

are you looking down from the pretty cloud up there? i wish i could talk to you. it is so hard.

i am so glad that you're back. (:

like a baby cradling my every thought of you
nursing the wound that isn't healing still
while trying to bury the sickening from around
still disturbed by all the unceasing sounds
eclipsed are feelings left unsaid
alone i hang my head in wait.

exhausted.
and i want to watch stairway to heaven at a much paster face.
see how tired i am?

gosh, this has got to be the hardest wait in my life so far.
each day i am only waiting for your return.
every message from you is already a gift. every email from you is already a present.

wo zhen de hen xiang ni.

falling in love with you was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.

because you make flowers blow petals in the air
because you make raindrops fall gently from the sky
because you make sunshine seep through the leaves
because you make me feel loved.

happiness is the road you take me through, thank you.

i just finished the milk that expires today. i just realised it after consumption. i hope it's alright.

ken and i were communicating through a webcam over at his side. this is my first time viewing a web picture, and i find it so fun. i had to type as fast as he spoke. haha. some sort of long-distance relationship, i guess. it is rather interesting but i can't imagine if i have to maintain this sort of communication for long periods. another 6 days to count down to. i miss you so much. of course i am glad to 'see' you. it is so interesting to use a webcam. haha.

yangyang asked for some cottage fries.

i ask for you.

happy 19th to diyana.

lots of love. :)

hello kenneth.

miss you. remember to check your mail ok? lots of love.

:)

i know you'll be back in no time.

:)

Why, why, why was Junyang eliminated? Perhaps his supporters are still asking that question and trying to get over the shock of him being booted out of Project SuperStar last night.

Many thought the talented singer would make it to the Grand Finals on September 1, having scored some of the highest points in the entire competition. He received 34.5, 43 and 44.5 points respectively in the three songs he performed this week; an average of 40.5 points that was higher that his competitor Tan Wei Lian’s average of 37 points.

(44.5 points is the highest score any contestant has ever received from the judges.)

Still, he was given the boot at this crucial round, like eliminated female contestant Chew Sin Huey, whose average score of 42.5 was also higher than Kelly Poon Kar Lai’s 38.5.

Even while recovering from the shock of his elimination, one was drawn to tears at Junyang’s very emotional state last night.

Contrary to what we thought, Junyang’s abundant tears was not due to his sadness from being eliminated, but because he was touched by all that had happened so far. To the humble young man, his long journey into the heart of Project SuperStar and his many supporters overwhelms him.

But it is the support of one special friend (not Candyce Toh whom Junyang adamantly maintains is just a good friend) who especially touches Junyang, a friend by the name of ‘Wayne’.

In his thank-you speech last night, Junyang’s voice became choked with emotion as he said to Wayne, “I’m sorry I can’t make it in the last hurdle. I’ll still see you on September 1. Thanks so much for being with me all these years and supporting me in my music and my life. I hope to see you soon, really.”

Who is Wayne, we asked. As he replied us, Junyang’s eyes again turned red and watery, his voice wavered and even paused occasionally to collect his thoughts.

“Wayne is actually my good friend JJ Lin Junjie (a local singer). We have been good friends and brothers for seven years since we met in St Andrews JC. He’s been a great inspiration and encouragement, remembering him from the time we met till the JJ he is today. Before, he was just a normal person like us, but he works hard and there he is now. He has taught me a lot and given me a lot of advice, like what are the things to expect, what attitude a musician should have. It’s very important to educate yourself: are you going for fame, glory and glamour, or are you going for music? Glamour and fame will go away once it is over, but music will stay forever in people’s hearts. Without him, I wouldn’t have the courage to go on stage and sing,” Junyang revealed.

Last night, after finding out the news of his elimination, JJ called Junyang and told him winning is not everything; music is all about passion and creating a space for yourself and other people to know you. Junyang agreed totally with his online game buddy. “It’s just like me when I’m on stage. I was just a block of wood in the beginning. I was uncomfortable with everything going on around me, the stage is so big and I didn’t know where to move to. But slowly every week, the circle around me got bigger as I got used to the stage. It’s all about creating a space for yourself.”
Sadly, this stage is now closed to Junyang.

For now, his plans are to first clean up his room and look through all the presents and letters from his fans. Then, it’s back to hitting the books as he begins his Honours year in Economics in National University of Singapore. But Junyang claims firmly, his passion is still with music.

“Winning or losing isn’t important; in fact, I think I didn’t lose anything at all! I gained a lot of things, like my own self-confidence about my music, how far I can go and my musical direction. I used to think my singing wasn’t good, but the judges’ encouragements and comments are a big recognition of my efforts. In addition, it’s hard to find good friends who share the same passion in music, and I did through Project SuperStar.”

“It was very encouraging. William Tanoto told me he thinks I’m still the best and that he regards me highly. I’m very happy and touched for a friend to tell me that. We both agreed that this is not the end; there is no end to a musical journey and I’ll still write more music.”

credits: http://u.mediacorptv.com/story.aspx?Editorial_ID=66&SubCategoryID=19

thanks to carine:) for the info site. so now we know who is wayne. mystery solved! seriously, watching all the videos make you adore him more! his humility makes him even more charming and his winning smile melts thousand hearts! and the way he speaks english draws you even closer! everything, everything! the videos let you have your fill of junyang! :)

you start to realise that you've stopped walking, stopped looking and stopped thinking, because all you could was, cry.

i am so tired. the long 6-month break has really taken a toll on me, or rather my brains. i feel like a uber moron at lectures, not being able to catch up with lecturers, not being able to start studying again. i can't believe my holidays are over in a blink of an eye, all that holidaying and bumming around sure have some negative effect (but i don't regret, haha). and today we were practising our japanese i realised how awful it is not to have your laptop with you. i guess with my LOUSY TO CORE timetable i will have to bring it to school for entertainment purposes. no matter what it is, a laptop is always heavy. i hate the feeling of something dragging me down especially when campus has endless and endless and (everyone say it together with me) endless flights of stairs. my scanner cannot work anymore, the computer keeps displaying an error message, i feel disturbed when such gadgets fail on me. makes me feel stupid as usual. tutorials are actually starting already, and i still have no idea where the venues are everything just doesn't seem to go smoothly. even the neighbours upstairs are making some kind of dragging knocking pulling sound it irritates the wits out of me. well, pessimism isn't helping anyway. seems like if i drown in my discontent, i somehow feel better. ditto that, i LIKE to feel sad, it has been rather comforting to know that life isn't going well for you. perhaps that is how you take on every day knowing that things will go badly and when they don't, you think you're just damnit fucking lucky.

mon: 1100 - 1200 (alternating weeks)
tue: 1000 - 1800 (odd weeks 1000 - 1600)
wed: 1200 - 1800
thu: 0800 - 1600 (odd weeks 0800 - 1400)
fri: 0800 - 1600 (with a 5-hour break)

i think my timetable is just vulgar. and it is so weird i think i won't know when to go for classes and when not to. i bet i will create a blunder or many blunders for that matter. MY FRIDAY IS BURNT TO ASHES. urgh.

how come you aren't home yet? i can't stand the wait anymore.

first it was cors on everyone's blogs. a few (or rather alot) people actually blamed year ones for cors being down. like we know what is wrong? and i bet junyang is on everyone's blogs now. i think. and once again, my timetable sucks, my friday especially, and i am a goner.


i just want you to come back.

ARGH!!!
i should have voted for junyang!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
some people do not deserve it!
JUNYANG!!!

JUNYANG!!!
AHHHHH!!!
why why why why why why why???
poor thing.

my timetable sucks.

ken, i miss you more now.

I HATE CORSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

suddenly i am seeing images of oompah loompahs in my head. i hate them. the repeat appearances of them in the movie somehow are somehow etched in my mind. like subconsciously. and i am getting quite scared. ken always mentioned oompah loompahs over the phone just to scare me. but i am all alone and frightened now.

caught into a labyrinth
with a deep breath i hold
it's an amazing feeling
those secrets just never unfold
these masks just never reveal
yet insecurity prevails.

when the last 18 years are gone in a flash, i wonder what have i been doing this entire life. have i been doing anything worthwhile, have i been living life to its fullest, or rather, did i enjoy my life? enjoyment, though always my top priority, wasn't attainable, or rather still not achieved. i have always wanted to enjoy my life, but i realise, as i grow older, there are always barriers blocking my road. i call these barriers responsibilities. i was born into a family which always held studies as the main priority, the parents never really allowed a choice for me. i guess it's the societal era that i was born and brought up in. they sheltered me and sort of led the way for me, i never got to try new things, never really got to fall and skin my knees. i wonder if i would carry out parenting in the similar manner, because i really want to provide the best for my children, yet am afraid my kids will get hurt if i didn't get protective. but i guess i am not confident enough for them to take risks themselves. because the parents each have different parenting manners, i grew up a confused child. in fact, a repressive childhood led to much angst as a teenager. and till now, i wonder if i would have turned out different had the parents used less protective methods. i am not a happy person, i don't think i will ever truly be. i like to laugh, i like to smile, i like to be happy. yet the other side of me prefers to conceal and protect myself for fear of danger. i am overly paranoid and cynical. i used to think everyone innate is good-natured, but i am not so sure anymore. because i scare myself too.

there is a stinging absence because you're not here.
there is a lingering emptiness because you're not here.
just because you're not here.

now that derrick's off, i shall feast my eyes on junyang. perhaps it's because i just knew he's from nus and i feel this wee bit of affliation...(haha). he is really quite cute...but of course derrick is a gem too. i just wish junyang will win, because he is more worth it than some people.

aiyah, derrick and junyang both very cute lar.

the server is currently unavailable and i am extremely displeased. i have been trying to log in since morning and i am starving now. it feels funny blogging in school but i have nothing better to do than to wait for my log in. i hate this system because it is time-wasting and useless. someone should revise this system, or rather scrape the entire this. worthless.

everything just clawed at her skin
disguises unpeeled under the raw
painful like Scotch poured on cuts
not abit of a foolish fight
only she just took out a pen to write.

i had a dig at my own self-esteem after japanese class today. i went in like an idoit, came out like a bigger moron. in fact, after every single lecture of every module, i always come out feeling as if my self-esteem has hit rock bottom (i.e. lynnette is a bona fide loser). actually i don't know if 'bona fide' can be used in this instance but you get the drift. life is so nasty.

cheers to rachel who passed her driving on first attempt! :)

my dad insists on getting a microwave oven and i am so against it. i swear he will regret it because the moment he irks me, i will put my head into the oven and explode it. just my head, not my other body parts. of course, i was merely joking. haha.

i want to watch trainspotting again now but i don't know where the fuck i put the video. but i don't think i can watch it alone anyway.

you are in brunei already. i wish i was awake at 4am so i could reply you. maybe it's the wrong food i had, maybe it's because you've already left, i had terrible tummy upsets (for that matter, still have). perhaps my body is missing you already and acting up, wishing that if you knew i was in pain you would come back. i can't take care of yangyang because i feel sick and he is all alone and i feel so sorry. i sound like you're going away for a long long time. i hope you'll be back in no time. carine was right, i think we get too dependant on them. well, i am. i can't make out my japanese notes for nuts. that makes me feel more stupid then ever.

if i could speak to you now, i'm going to scream in pain and let you know i can't even walk but lie in bed hugging my sides so that you'll get worried and upset so you would return...but i couldn't.

when the mushrooms are in season, you take a bite and off to magical land.
when...the mushrooms are in season.

i just want to hide inside you forever, shying away from everything else.
your soul is my only security. please don't let go, i will just snap.

for a good friend, at least i thought he was:
when i thought i tried my utmost best to help you, you judged me in the most distasteful manner. i gave you my most honest opinions yet you thought otherwise of me. sometimes you seem so nice, other times you let others down. i don't need you to see things in my manner, i only want you to have a clearer picture. when i always provided you with a listening ear, you disappoint me. i hope you will use your brains first before shooting off your mouth, because you don't know how words can kill. people don't know how to help you along anymore.

i dread going to school. i cannot survive this already with you around, do you know how much i look forward to meeting you each weekend? you are my only comfort and it seems like whenever i see you, i get immersed in a totally different world, much like a fantasy world of our own. i am so not looking forward to taking japanese, this damned module seems all work and no fun. 5 hours of tutorials and 2 hours of lecture EVERY week, i think this will cause a fatal overdose of japanese. and surprise, surprise, in every tutorial you have to participate actively (read: totally embarrass yourself in front of 24 people) and you have to come prepared before each lecture. seriously, i would rather become a japanese lolita pornstar instead of this goddamned thing. i am so going to die, and you have to do either pair or group work to practise your speech and what not. i don't know why the hell i actually bid for this module, i am such a LOSER. and now, i am thinking if dropping this japanese thing, but i am too much of a coward and lazybum to go through all the damned cors thing and to actually search for another module. WHY IS LIFE SUCH A TORTURE? i can sense depression sinking in anytime soon. i am just going to die off one day simply into thin air no one would even notice the absence. i regret my decisions and i resent myself very much. i still can't believe you're actually leaving me all alone in this prison for 2 weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. this loser can't do the rest of the math. despair.

i am going to cry for the entire fornight until you are back. i think i won't be that lucky enough to cry myself to death.

interesting article:
'panic' actually helped people in times of emergency. we have always thought of panic being an overwhelming sense of fear that led to irrational human behaviour. however, researchers have observed that 'majority of live rescues are carried out by community residents who are at the scene of disasters, not by official response agencies or outside search-and-rescue teams.' 'panic' is a perfectly normal response to stress and unforeseen circumstances. 'although unpleasant, that stress is typically productive. it focuses people on solving the problem at hand or identifying those among them who can do so.'

credits: baruch fischhoff
copyright: the straits times, new york times syndicate

it is only back in your arms where i feel safe again.
it is only seen in your eyes where i feel loved again.
it is only heard in your voice where i feel comfort again.
it is only with you around, when every morning i wake, i know, life is worth living for.

thank you, kenneth. :)

i got my nails painted gold last sunday at pinc bugis while mom ha d a satisfying pedicure. the nails look a little outlandish but trust me to come up with fashion dares. haha. but looks retro i think. heh. the opi color name was actually 'at your quebec and call', i mean, how corny can these commercialised advertisers get, albeit funny? haha.

we watched twomovies back to back today at lido, with five minutes break. wedding crashers was a cliche, just as any other romantic comedy. seriously, i hate lido audiences, they never fail to piss me off. first, they come in making hell of a noise trying to get to their seats (most of the time getting the wrong ones) and next they giggle and 'whisper' at the top of their voices during the entire movie and finally, they clap when the movie finishes. whether the movie was good or not. i certainly do not think wedding crashers nor charlie and the chocolate factory were good enough movies to invite applauses. and anyway, why would one clap at movies, there is absolutely no one involved in the production of the movie in the cinema for you to show your appreciation to. the first time the audience at lido got on my nerves was a few years back. i was watching this korean horror flick about some ringing phone, when some cheena guy from the crowd just shouted 'moshimoshi.' i was totally taken aback, not only was he spoiling the whole horror movie effect, he also got the language wrong. i don't know what 'hello' is in korean, but i am darn sure it is not 'moshimoshi'. i don't know if it's the lido audience, or it is merely coincidental that i always meet the wrong people at shaw.
charlie and the chocolate factory left a strangely morbid feeling with me. it seemed like a bizarre plot, definitely not child-like or fantastical. seriously, if i were a kid and watched it, i would get nightmares. i guess that's how tim burton would like it. it would seem like a totally innocent story at first, but the mix of tim burton, roald dahl and johnny depp certainly made this plot a little more twisted and deranged. you remember most parts of the movie, but just not in the usual sweet manner, instead, i would think it as odd and a tad confusing. everyone who likes a little dark humour should watch it, i guess.

something unbelievable happened last night (no, i didn't get picked up), i saw min at zouk! the moment i entered the ladies, someone called out my name and we just screamed at the top of our lungs (as usual), and we were uber surprised to see each other! and we sms-ed each other earlier even! too bad i didn't get to dance with you girls. but i am just happy i saw you. :) the 4 of us had quite a good time, although rachel said this will prolly be her last time clubbing. we saw a few nus seniors there too, of course no one recognised us. silkygirl had some event going on lat night, and some promoter gave us a bottle of nail varnish and some eyeshadow. i mean, free is nice and all, but maybe this brand shouldn't be called silkygirl 'cos it sounds very odd. i guess i won't be going for wednesdays anymore now that school is starting. i am very apprehensive about school, and extremely blue because ken is leaving me alone of an entire fortnight (well...i wonder if there're any nice things in brunei he can get me...). my laptop has arrived and i am still quite a suakoo with these gadgets. it is sleek and pretty but as it always goes, good looks do come with a price. i have this very strong hunch, electronic devices can ever go smoothly with me, so i'll just beware. i only had 5 hours of sleep last night and my voice is still husky due to clubbing. anyone has any diy remedies for me to regain my normal voice?

ken confirmed an alarming piece of news with me yesterday - he is going to brunei for 2 weeks! i am going to miss him soooooo much! i am going to be super lonely and upset and what's more, i'll be starting school and i am sure i will be in a state of anxiety and loss and my only solace will not be on the same soil with me! what am i going to do...

on a happier note,

happy 19th birthday to rachel! :)

with lots of love and see you later!

with the ongoing bidding system right now, i will like to take note that there is no such word as 'out-bidded' or 'bidded'. and i actually received an email saying that i was not allocated my module because i was 'out-bidded' (sic). whoever is in charge of the emails sent out should correct the error promptly. and this reminds me of another typo on the nus matriculation form which rachel pointed out to me. the word 'identity' was spelt 'indentity'. they really should do things more carefully.

i love to wake up, turn around and see you beside me. your company counts most because i can't quite figure life without you. you make my life much simpler because all i have to do is just, love you.

and while i'm at it, my mom is the most important person in my life, and she still isn't home, i suddenly just miss her so much. mommy, i love you.

for each night a stained pillow
for each night a muffled cry
for everyday a heavy heart
for years sorrow and one never part.