and i deserve to be slapped.

come on, hit me. or else.

i've stuffed alot of goodies in my bag for the journey, although it's only less than 2 hours. i hope ken won't be so early so i can dilly-dally a while but i'm scared i won't get good seats if i'm late. byebye and hope i'll have a safe and enjoyable trip!

to everyone:

happy holidays!

(:

well, the verdict's out. i didn't see any a's, i mean look at the rate i'm studying at, i can't expect any a's. i got a mix of b's and c's. and the best part i got a C+ for jap!!! gosh the lecturers are really lenient with me (maybe they pitied me). i'm sort of disappointed for english and philo, i thought i'd fare the best in these 2 modules but well, well, there goes. have to work harder next time.

finally

my baby boy is finally back. i woke up at 8am yesterday in order to meet him as early as possible. and his place looks so much bigger with the new painting done! the colours are lighter and makes the whole place look brighter and more refreshing. we watched king kong later which brought me on a roll of emotions. the introduction was immensely boring, then came the 'shipwreck' (or whatever you call it) part which was quite exciting and a couple more scenes of running brontosauruses and awfully huge sucking insects (if insects give you an idea of 'small' then these are ENORMOUS insects) and then i was crying my eyes black from the more touching scenes. the part which king kong was hit by the chloroform was so bloody pitiful i couldn't help it and then when king kong was shot by planes i was really very tearful. i am quite ashamed at myself because there were scenes which i refused to see 'cos they were too disgusting while the little kids in front and behind me kept their eyes peeled throughout the entire movie.

i finally visited mos. there was a long queue at 945 already when we reached there, although doors opened at 9. then i had my dinner whilst in the queue. i didn't like the retro music there as much as i enjoyed zouk because there were times of trance which absolutely turned me off. but i must say the hiphop r&b is better than phuture's though. it's a very big place, the main hall is bigger than zouk but it wasn't packed enough, in fact there was plenty of space. but the r&b floor was really very small. there are many little rooms where you can sort of 'pop' into and the place is really spacious. i don't think i'd go there again for its music but guess what? 2 jugs for a dirt cheap $10.50. i don't if there was some kind of promo going on or what. we played guessing games with this really nice guy from detroit. at first i thought he was some sick man but he turned out to be really funny and kind. he actually did a split in the middle of the walkway in front of the bar. haha. i thought aw should have gotten his biz card earlier. now i feel like going zouk next wednesday.

p.s. i'm really glad you're home. you don't know how much i missed you.

it suddenly occured to me that i lost myself a long time ago. i've never been truly happy since i left my childhood. when i was a kid, i used to visit my dad at his office in balestier every saturday with my mom. we'd go to orchard first to pick up some clothes for my barbies. i'd sit at the last row on the bus and lay on mom's lap to sleep. i developed the habit of sleeping on buses since i was young. all i felt was a sense of security and i had no worries at all or i didn't know how to worry. i'd stay in dad's office to play with my dolls or play with the office door that hung some bells. so i'd go in and out just to ring the bells. my mom will tear the perforated sides of some rough paper and fold them into little caterpillars for me. i'd visit the florist beside the office and play with the 'jiejie' next door. my parents celebrated their wedding anniversaries almost every year. and at the same restaurants - either the restaurant 88 at wtc or some tung lok one. my brother and i used to snigger and get disgusted if my parents held hands or did something squirmy of that sort.

well, nothing of that sort now. of my adolescenthood, i remember i had such a big fight with my dad, i punched my hands against the wall and got a swollen purple thumb in return. i had the habit of hurting myself just to vent my anger. i loved to sit on of my wardrobe and knock my forehead against it with a steady rhythm slowly. it wasn't exactly painful i just felt it's fun doing that. i think i got that idea from 'bless the child'.

i have never been good at anything. i can't play a musical instrument, i can't carry off a tune, i can't swim to save my life, i can't cycle at all, i can't cook a decent meal, i'm not exactly doing well in school, i can't work, i can't count properly, the list grows longer and longer. i basically have nothing to my life. i'm like a flower which is about to bloom, but starved from lack of water and light and harsh handling, the bud drops off and there will be no flower. but who to blame?

be glad you haven't my life. i've come to accept it, i'm neurotic. i'd like it to stay that way too.

'if you haven't anything productive to say, don't say.'

Based on the drawing and the 10 answers they gave this is a summary of their personality:

You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes. When it comes to love, you shut yourself off. It's difficult to win your heart because you have decided to keep your feelings deep inside. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be. You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. We also see that you are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. You don't think much about yourself.

thanks to shan for the site: www.drawahouse.com

it's fun and rather accurate! (:

sad to say, i hadn't been to the movies for a long time. i finally watched perhaps love yesterday with the girlfriends. i thought it was okay 'cos it's something different from the other films, but i wouldn't say it's a must-watch. it's kind of disorganised and confusing. so they juxtaposed the real-life lovers with the film in which they were acting in. i didn't think the depiction was well-done because the images were sort of flying all around the screen. i don't know, i'm not really good with movies, anyway, i can't describe what i don't like about it! there was just something, i find no words to fit in though. well, to satisfy the curiosity brought about by the media about this film, you should watch it. memoirs of a geisha is out on jan 19 next year. i am patiently waiting for it! i absolutely love the book and i always think movies will never be as good as the books. reading allows you more imagination, isn't it? i like its subtle eroticism, because it leaves you much space to actually imagine yourself in sayuri's shoes. for those who have read it, i absolutely enjoyed the part where the baron undressed her in his room and yet she was so helpless about. i mean, you could almost feel sayuri in you! the book has such an intensity of feelings.

so if you really love me, let it show.

as much as i tried to prevent a burn, ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! i applied quite alot of sunblock of sph 25 and apparently it's not enough. the sun wasn't really 'there', it appeared and disappeared for the few hours i was in the pool. I HATE GETTING BURNT. and it doesn't help when i'm going on holiday soon, i should have gotten out of the damned sun sooner. and after my bath i stood in front of the mirror for a good 30 minutes to slap on as much moisturiser as i could. and i ran out of aloe gel, good luck to me now. my shoulders are patchy red and sore. gosh, i hate sunburns! i hope it gets better faster, hopefully by tomorrow!

my 2nd christmas without you, how can i say all i want for christmas is you? i miss you so much.

woke up to a ringing handphone alarm, realising it's sunday. laid in bed somemore with the sunday times and a couple of chapters of the bell jar. it's kind of empty not spending the weekend with him and a whole week without seeing him. you realise when you have nothing to do, you just stare into space and many many thoughts come rushing to you like waves crashing onto shore, so hurriedly, but the only difference between these thoughts and the waves - they don't leave as fast as the waves do (or do they even leave?). had mom's cooking for lunch, gosh, it's been ages since she put her hands to cooking, i love her. poor woman burnt her finger and all i could was to quickly get some vaseline to soothe the burns. she said i'm so clumsy because i haven't been cooking for so long. then i'd rather you not cook. indeed an idle afternoon with nothing to do, but plenty on the mind. all i did was to chew piece by piece from the milk tray and stare blankly at the tv screen with mtv 2005 music awards on but not paying any particular attention to anything. i listen to the noises made by passing traffic, honks and vroom-vrooms i almost wish for some kind of screech and bang! - just to jolt me out of this depressing state of mind that i always seem to sink into, whether out of will or not.

even the weather is playing my game - it's started raining.

boulevard of broken dreams.


我也只有那么坚强而已。

无助。

at some point of time in my life
my feelings grip me so tightly
i can do nothing but shiver
then it releases me so sudden
it feels nothing's happened before
they brush me lightly
yet so significantly
i try to forget
still at night they come running back
they create impressions on this confused girl
and make her so helpless.

i feel like i'm being chased by a lion right to the sea cliff. i haven't anywhere to go, there's no one to save me. who'll be there for me, when i don't even know where i'm heading to?


so helpless.

after talking to the bkk king a.k.a rachel ho, i can't wait to go on a shopping spree! but i am quite paranoid about black magic, robbers and everything. i can be so old-fashioned. haha. yay, i shall reveal the real shopaholic in me again! it has been under covers since july. it seems like whenever i 'shop' in singapore, i feel jaded, bored and unfeeling. there is nothing in singapore worth the money!

i miss my baby boy.

really, sugianto was really nice and friendly. he had no airs at all. he didn't even hesitate to say yes when we asked for a photo. and the plus plus plus he was really gentlemanly and he put his hands on our backs during the photo!!! he was really gentle, i think he was afraid we might mind. (please you can just hug me, but i doubt) i can't believe i'm 19 and still gushing over stars. my inner child is still a teenager. haha. too bad he didn't actually dance on the floor. but derrick sort of moved with the music. and both of them were busy chewing gum. i wonder if anyone recognised them as well.

i love wednesdays!

this is one hell of a night. first we saw adam chen. we were this close to taking a pic with him but my stupid hand had to pull joy back (i had no idea why i did the brainless act) and adam chen left. so disappointed. on the dancefloor we saw sugianto and derrick so many times, i couldn't help myself and tapped him vigorously on the shoulder (i don't know what made me so thick-skinned must be the alcohol) and said hi and he said hi back! (gush, gush) then we left zouk, hung around the bridge (so thankful we didn't go for supper with jason, carine). and i made some comment like if i saw sugianto i SWEAR i was going to ask for a picture then may just shot out 'well, they're there'. frantic and flustered. hahaha. but of course, i did it.

lynn: erm hello can we take a photo with you?
sugianto: sure, (pointing to somewhere) you want to face there 'cos there's light
lynn: erm you want to ask them as well?
sugianto: -insert derrick's nickname- photo! (in his cute indonesian accent, ohohoh!!!)

then we hung out for a while more, long enough to see derrick and sugianto leave in a yellow cab. and no, we didn't follow them. haha.


sugianto looked so bloody suave in his attire and his hair is really damn eyecatching! cute cute cute!

p.s. i am going bkk for xmas! wahoo!

i ought to 'revive' my resolution:

i must be nice to everyone! I MUST NOT HATE ANYONE. i must learn to be less petty and kinder. i must be big-hearted. i really want to be nice to everyone. friends, please help me along. i must LOVE MORE, hate none.

this is difficult but i will try!!!

perhaps this will seem sick to some of you. i love being on medication, especially if it's something i haven't taken before. i'm on penicillin now, i hope it will not react adversely with alcohol since i have to complete the entire course. i like taking pills, don't ask me why, especially little small pills. since young, i've also liked the smell of petrol and gas, so i've always enjoyed going to the petrol kiosk with my dad. but no longer, since i figured there must be something quite abnormal with me to enjoy these 'scents'. haha. maybe i still do?

something was wrong with picasa so i ended up with this. ahhhhh...i am going to miss you badly.

a bunch of thanks to the birthday girl (9 dec) angeline who also gave out presents on her special day! a pair of lovely earrings, a cute towel and an adorable disney pouch. very sweet.
also, i love my mom even more because she never fails to surprise me. this time, with a bag, 2 skirts and a tee and a blouse! yum yum.

the holidays this time haven't been very pleasant. i have been plagued by ailments since the very start until now. while my toothache is on its way to disappear (i sure hope for good), i am still voiceless. i went to kbox and before i knew it, halfway playing games at mindcafe, i became voiceless. that night was horrid, i'd loved to sing with min but i was really voiceless and in pain. today i am better although still voiceless. all kinds of medicine have proved to be of little help, i am troubled and very disturbed. sad to say, i'm going to be missing ken alot alot alot because he is leaving for thailand on tuesday morning. for more than a week. i am left in singapore alone. but i think i can count on carine to go xxxx with me. :) seriously, carine, i would have made your day more interesting yesterday if i could talk. sorry. haha. but i hope we don't have to talk much next week because loud retro music speaks louder than words!

ken, i'm already missing you.

i have had a bloody toothache since sunday! it's almost killing me. i hope this is a good start towards dieting since there is no available food except for whipped potato. but then again, potatoes are carbo food, i don't see how i can lose weight from filling myself with potatoes. and i refuse to see a dentist: 1. it is too expensive. 2. i am darn scared! so there goes...

i am dying to get the 2006 organiser from kino but there was no new one. the opened one is already tattered and torn, but the designs are lovely. :( i am going to help ken in spring-cleaning this weekend, i am so scared i'll be allergic to dust and mites. his apartment is going for a major painting renovation so we got to clear alot of things. we are going for the minimalist concept, we will throw away alot alot alot of unwanted rubbish and redesign the room. sounds easy, but i guess...anyone knows how to make a hat out of newspaper? you know the tv scenes, the couple puts on hats while painting the walls? then they laugh at each other for having paint marks on their faces, all the giggling and tickling? hahaha. minus that, we won't have any of those, because the contractors are in charge of painting, not us. boo-hoo.

samsung heiress to about US$191 million.
26 years old, attractive.
well-educated - just begun graduate studies at NY university.
always chauffered around in a limousine, accomapnied by bodyguards.
took her own life by hanging herself in her apartment in NY.
speculated that she suffered from depression after her parents opposed to her marriage plans with her boyfriend.

well, well. you're quite pretty. see you.

friday: we spent the night putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. i thought it was rather difficult although there were only 500 pieces, i am not a fan of jigsaw puzzles, really. because i have been fixing puzzles the past few days, i hadn't any more energy to finish out jigsaw. i fixed piglet and roo while ken finished pooh, eeyore and tigger. we're still left with lumpy and the background. i doubt i'll be the one finishing the whole piece.

saturday: walking around town before we went for an island spin. ken has got to be the best boyfriend in the entire world (ok, your boyfriend too) he drove from 5pm to 2am straight, i think i must have tired him out. we travelled almost the whole of singapore. we went from one end to another and used up more than half the tank in one night. it's a priceless feeling to have wind in your hair, music in your ears and your boyfriend's hand in yours.

today: he's got to be my last boyfriend. (:

this is my favourite hobby. there aren't many yet, but i am avidly collecting big earrings. donors are very welcome. mom got me most of them, other than that i bought them or they're from ken. i prefer showy earrings than studs. to bad i only have two earlobes to wear only a pair at once. but then again, there are countless pairs which i hardly put on. i'm always wearing the same earrings. just like to collect them, i guess. this is like a show and tell session.

yes, despite my swollen bad bad eye, i watched chicken little today. very cute characters, the fish is ken's favourite. it is really quite adorable since it doesn't talk but only makes gurgles. i want to get the tee but i probably won't wear it so i'm wasting money. the plot is rather crap, because i don't like aliens and any outerspace issues (apart from the jetsons). i yawned several times. the movie is a some sort of a parody of hollywood makes like war of the worlds and signs, etc, i figure. of course ken was the one who told me since i never watched signs. chicken little is so cute with its glasses which looked like they were lense-less.

i went to the doc's because of my eye this morning. the doctor must think i'm geng-ing to get an mc or something. 'no, your eye's not swollen, it's not even red!' gosh, i was worried sick at this awful state and she can still say it's not swollen? IT IS. and i told her i don't need an mc (now she knows i'm genuine). only when she lifted my eyelid then she said i have an eye infection. it's not painful but i know it's swollen (since i have triple eyelids still) and it's very uncomfortable. she told me it'll heal quickly i certainly hope so. i wonder how long it takes to heal, i hope i haven't a tumour resting on my eye nerve or some sort. i want to die willingly and quickly, not with a tumour. gosh, will i become like jingshu? i have some ointment to apply INTO my eye, quite nerve-wrecking there right? haha. please, let it heal by tomorrow so i can go out. and plus plus plus, i have cramps so bad i just want to lie in bed forever, and aching ankles. i think i'm behaving like a pregnant mother. STUPID ME. i feel so unhealthy!

argh, i am so bloody pathetic.

for the past few days i have been suffering from some eye problem. i woke up once with both eyes sore. my right eye is now hurting and aching. it's a little puffed up and i have triple eyelids now. they look normal but the right one hurts each time i blink hard. ouch, ouch, ouch. maybe i am suffering from some eye vitamin deficit.

Tickle's Original Inkblot Test
Reveal Your Subconscious Mind

your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment. Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

oh, really? it was a long test.
http://web.tickle.com/tests/inkblot/

ken brought me and mom on a spin around the city today. then mom went off to a wedding dinner. he asked me to bring him to nus so he could know which parts to pick me up next time. it was really really very unexpected for him to make such a request. we went fs but didn't eat there, though. i must say it is quite a priceless feeling for your boyfriend to drive you up and around while you sit relaxed, the only energy you exert is fiddling with the stereo remote control buttons.

mom: i asked her to learn driving she dowan.
ken: never mind lar, i drive her around.
me: *grins grins grins grins

me: what if i sleep while you drive? will you want to sleep as well?
ken: mad ah, i need to take care of you leh. (doesn't make much sense but you get the drift)
me: *secretly grins grins grins grins

you made me a very very happy girl.
i want to love you even more.

there seems to be a hundred activities to indulge in before the exams, a million things to do during the exam period, and...nothing to do after the exams end. murphy's law occurs in my everyday life.


we couldn't have saved him.

when i was supposed to be buried in english yesterday, i spend the entire bloody day doing absolutely nothing productive. and i spent the night out with ken. i'm actually a paradox myself, i was bent on not going for prime because i thought i'd be out till late (which i am not supposed to be since i ought to be studying) and i didn't return home very early last night.

HUNG UP.

good luck for my english, i think i'm so dead.
but again, i don't care. i don't care. i don't care. i don't bloody give a damn about my results. sheesh, who am i kidding?

my life is a mess. even hell is neater, and better.

i
am absolutely
bloody
bored.

i am deprived of my favourite comfort food!!!

i got free tix from class95 to watch prime tomorrow at 915pm but it's a pity 'cos ken and i both cannot make it. it's a big big waste because i really want to watch the show, i wouldn't have joined the contest if i knew the preview was tomorrow. they asked which celebrity i wanted to date and why and he had to be alot younger or older. of course i said BRAD and some witty reason (or not!). but it's really a pity i can't catch it! anyhow, enjoy the show, yiwei. remember what i said. :)

わたしわおかねがほしです！

我要钱！

オチャドへ買い物に行きたいですがお金をありません。

basically just trying out something angel taught me. haha. i feel stupid. and bored. but this is quite fun.

no more messy tables! soon...

four down, one to go!

wheeeeee.

i love the way you chuckle. :)

The Real You
Here is the analysis:
You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.

You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

addicted. when i have a paper later. what the hell.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

thanks to veron. i don't know. people who know me should let me on on this. i don't really know myself very well, except the last section 'who is your true self'. i am indeed very very temperamental.

i am watching son of a bride this saturday! and it's complimentary, from ken's dad. i can't wait for the exams to finish finish finish. i don't bloody hell care anymore for my results, because i'm pretty certain how they'll turn out. i didn't put in any effort, so i shan't expect any results. i won't be disappointed, i won't be delighted, i won't feel anything. so...i'm talking now, eh?

you're so awful you make me cry.

just can't bloody wait for the exams to be over and done with!
and for the 24th 7pm to come! argh, i think i might swallow myself up now.
the wait is so very torturing, i have had enough of mcqs mcqs mcqs.

i hate exams. seriously, i'd rather do like 5 essays for each module then to have one exam. because memorising is a chore, i can't seem to get anything into this bloody blank mind. i've a pretty good hunch that i'll go when i see the questions. (that meant BLANK, by the way.)

they use illicit substances and alcohol to keep their genuine feelings at bay. they pierce themselves and tattoo themselves and have sex more and earlier, in what i see as desperate efforts to anchor themselves to some sort of reality - the reality of flesh. if a teen can feel a steel bolt through her tongue move whenever she speaks, at least she knows she inhabits her own body, even if she doubts her own soul. if she can use low-cut jeans or a glimpse of thong underwear to attract glances from boys, at least she knows she occupies space and time at the centre of their attention.
- the new york times

the desperate desperate search for a sense of identity, and reality.
are you like that as well?

my mom's the most important person in the world to me.

lunch was instant noodles and the prince and the pauper on hallmark. i don't usually watch movies on television but the movie was rather intriguing. it's good to have cable because most of the time in the day local channels have nothing decent. i like movies of this era and of course because it's british. which reminds me, i should catch oliver twist soon before it's off the screens. which i believe, by the 24th, it will be.

relax.

i am preparing to go into the exam halls with my fingers crossed, hoping just reading will give me a pass. i am already 3/4 dead i know, but i'm willing to take a risk now this time and gamble on my results. not something i will do, given the risk-aversion personality in me. another 10 days to go, before i'm temporarily released. i just can't wait to put on nice dresses and enjoy!

what about you? (:

maybe

true love is still loving him or her after he or she has left you for good.

Snuffleupagus You scored 43% Organization, 50% abstract, and 64% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables. You are somewhat organized, both concrete and abstract, and both introverted and extroverted. I bet you didn't think you were Snuffleupagus. Let's find out why. You are both somewhat organized. You have a good idea where you put things and you probably keep your place reasonably clean. You aren't totally obsessed with neatness though. Alloyius Snuffleupagus (and all Snuffleupagus') is not sloppy by nature, but he moves so incredibly slowly that it is impossible for him to be totally organized. You both are about equally concrete and abstract thinkers. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course. Snuffy generally has very basic interests, but he explores his abstract sensitive side when he plays his snuffleflute. You both are somewhat introverted. Originally Snuffleupagus was very shy and was only Big Bird's invisible friend. However as he has aged he has started to build new friendships with new characters. Like Snuffy, you probably like to have some time to yourself. However, you do appreciate spending time with your friends, and you aren't scared of social situations.

unglam is:

hair pulled back, clipped with a big black clip, plus a hairband
partnered with holding a banana skin in your left hand
chewing on something that was inside the banana skin
hands on a sticky mouse due to residue of bananas
perhaps also a bananafied laptop
and a mind still boggling with descartes and socrates.

i really really do not see the point in life when half the bloody time is spend on things i simply do not enjoy, like trying to study some ridiculous subjects i do not like and don't know why i bloody chose them. we should all live in a free world, where those who want to study can study, and people like me should just enter prostitution and get money.

i should throw away the skin because it's inviting flies. or maybe it's me. i'm a pest, aren't i?

today's oprah was on 9/11 victims' families. because the losses were so very very sudden, people still cannot find a closure after several years. it seems the same for all. we may be doing everyday things now just like things never happened, but it's not the same. still seeped in depression, i relate strongly to them. the souls have been robbed, and the minds are still in denial. but we have to realise that they are never never ever going to come back anymore. i don't know how to overcome the hurt and pain and it's not right to say we're well now. because we are now. i feel lost, we feel lost. we are physically well and present, but emotionally distant and never really in touch with reality. because with a little trigger, we set our hearts in immense pain again. it's easy for people to understand my pain, but because they are not the sufferers, it is different. they cannot feel the ache the same way i do. my soul's injured and i am still hidden behind a wall, which cannot be removed. i don't know, maybe not just yet. i can smile laugh do the things i used to do still, but i'm wearing a veil that i cannot pull away. things are just very different from before. i don't think there can be a way which i can release myself from the neverending strains of grief.

regarding 15-19th dec:

proposing a short getaway to any nearby places like bangkok, cruises, etc since sam is able to get leave on these dates. carine, rachel, may please please get back to me as soon as the exams finish, on whether you can make it or not or for any suggestions. thanks. in any case we can't go overseas, maybe a stayover somewhere? i bet chalets are already fully booked anyway.

i've been meaning to say this and finally i'm here.
last week somebody sent me a mini-parcel by post. it's a sunflower (i think?) candle, attached with a postcard brimming with words. last week i received a very unexpected phonecall from you. i was so happy and surprised. i could talk on forever with you. i'm so thankful for the little things you do to make me know you're always there for me. people like you make me feel life is still worth living for. it's the effort put in that makes the relationships we share more unique than anyone else's! you're the ones whom i can share my innermost feelings with, whom i can share my most comfortable silence with.

thank you, angeline.
thank you, xueting.
thank you, everyone!

instead of doing more consequential things like you-know-what-i-shan't-mention, i watched just like heaven. it's a sweet and touching romantic comedy. but then again, its positivity about believing in i-dunno-what kind of turned me off abit. i'm quite cranky i say, i like lovey-dovey sappy stories yet i can't stand all the happy endings. i think happiness is a cliche (right, sour grapes because i don't damn know what happiness is). but i think it's worth the cinema money. i would prefer those where one (or both!) main characters all die. i'm actually very self-contradictory, like my mom would always say, 'ren jiu shi hen mao dun'. i want to watch all about love, oliver twist and some more. but no goblets, fires, or potters or harries for me.

well, well.

sorry for being a bum sometimes. i'm really thankful you're always there to pacify me, to tolerate my petty tantrums, my quick-temperedness, my mood swings, my flare-ups. i'm sorry for being insensitive and stupid, i'm so glad you always try your best to suit my needs. i don't want to be the awful demanding partner, so i'm trying hard also. i'm very grateful for you, ken.

no photoshop, no d.i., no nothing.
pure bliss. just us. (:

part of the gang. (: they are my favourite playmates, my favourite friends. they never fail to make me smile, with hours hours hours of laughter into the wee hours of the morning, with alot of indecisiveness in between, but still plenty of joy and happiness. thank you. maybe we could rename our game 'gangionary'? or something along those lines? haha. lots of love.

i'm so damn disappointed with myself. my results so far suck. suck. suck. to the bloody core. i can't imagine my results after the main exams. i don't think i can pull through this semester with a decent grade. argh!!!

kenneth

you this piece of....


gem.

i love you. so much.

i don't mind if you can't drive me around, we can always take the bus. or the taxi for that matter. i don't mind if you can't provide me with all the fine dining, we can always settle for instant mee. with b&j's for dessert, that's a must! i don't mind if you can't buy me lv or tiffany, we can always go treasure hunting at big sales. i just like you being the silly you, because you always make me smile. if you don't mind, maybe you can call me your girlfriend?

(:

almost cracked my head missing you
almost blinded my eyes crying for you
but it's not so bad
it's only me suffering alone.

i didn't know i was crying,
until i tasted tears in my mouth.
i don't know what's going on.
and no one can tell me.
since i doubt there's someone who ever feels the way i do.




where are you

we've all come a long way here
it's time i got to save my soul
there are things i can't see
there are feelings i can't touch
it's time i got to save my soul
it's time i grab a pole to hold
if not i'll just fade away
if not i'll just go away

when gravity is broken,
i find myself falling away.

the past week has been like a reverie! my gosh, i so don't want it to end, and i didn't even realise it's already 1 week into november and the exams are coming until this evening! no wonder may and rachel were talking about having no life until end of november and i still didn't get it then...:( i'm so going to fail my entire jap module now, i just realised that the oral is this week. how damn stupid can i get?

i miss kenneth so much. wish you were here.

i finally got my boatneck tee. i am so happy. i love mommy. but i miss ken.

finally completed all my assignments! so pleased i am going to take a break the whole of next week...when my baby is going to be on leave! i have such a temptation to skip wednesday and friday to give myself an unofficial one week break. gee-hee. but guess what, my sc tutor actually rescheduled the tutorial to be on a SATURDAY. whoopee. i'll see what i can do abt it. :(

be thankful for what i have, not lament about what i don't.
1. a mom who loves me very, very much!
2. a boyfriend who loves me more than anything else! (i have proof)
3. girlfriends who are always there for me.
4. the gang!
5. enough money to spend
6. good computer guru friend who can fix your computer. haha. i know you are reading.
7. holidays every year

erm. this is quite a short list, but i AM contented. you should be too, make a list and feel happy! you know your loved ones are the most important to you, and yes, my loved ones include my good friends!

why is it that something's missing in the doorway
while i let the cd spin
it's spinning awake all the forgotten memories
such a soft sadness lingers
i didn't mean to cause any trouble
they don't understand
i hide the truth in my eyes
where's the me i used to be

my resolutions for i-dunno-what:

1. to be more magnanimous and have a bigger heart.
2. stop hating people (well...besides my dad...)
3. not be so petty and narrow-minded (no point comparing myself with others since i am a already born loser)
4. stop scolding my mom for no reason
5. end my for-no-reason tantrums and grumbling (ken and my mom should be hands-up for this)
6. take things more slowly
7. love more, love more, love more.
8. learn to take care of myself
9. KEEP IN MIND THE ABOVE.
10. LIVE MY LIFE FOR MYSELF AND LOVED ONES AND NO ONE ELSE.

i think i won't be able to accomplish all of these any time soon, but i'll really really try.

funny how my weekends are becoming routine, yet i still love them.

it's genuine when i tell you i feel sad
it's correct when i tell you life sucks
it's true when i tell you i am tired
it's me when i tell you i love you.

love is not feeling the pain when he gets hurt, but holding his hand whilst trying to stop the bleeding.

yangyang had an ear infection for the past 5 days. actually, his ear came off a little, sort of out of place, then we were so worried, thinking if we can sew it back. then we sent him to the hospital for surgery, where ken's mom used grey thread to fix his ear. yangyang is now as good as new! although i wish he would go for a bath, but he is quite against it.

kenneth, i am so happy to see you today! and no, i am not bored, not tired, not sick of this relationship, in fact, i wish for many more years! you make me smile. (:

by the way, i think name-dropping is an act of insecurity. i'm sorry you need to assert your identity by such.

i feel like playing board games again!

i am so freaking tired. and i forgot to mention, i failed my jap test, as expected. and i haven't gotten back my other papers. i can only pray that i can pass my other modules to offset the bad grade in japanese. i am so damn slogged, and i have another 2000 words to go. how do i go on? i have to catch some sleep. i am falling sick, very tired, having a bad throat, splitting headache, what is this? dengU fever? or Umonia?

with each day complete,
we paint more pages to our memory,
we brush more strokes to our picture,
and when we grow old,
we'll hang our painting up on the wall,
a priceless masterpiece.

you're priceless, we're our masterpiece. thank you for a wonderful 2 years...and counting!

happy 2nd anniversary to my significant other! hope we can keep this special bond for many, many more years. i love you to bits.

i wish i could keep you in my shadow,
if i could,
then i wish again you could be my light,
so that all the time you'd shine,
and all the time i could have you, right with me.

my 'new' skirt is altered from an old pair of jeans by my mom. if anyone is interested to change your old jeans to a skirt or any form of alteration of any clothes, feel free to approach me. my mom will charge you cheap for changing your jeans to a skirt (price is negotiable, definitely less than $16, the more the cheaper). she is intending to carry out some form of alternative home employment. (:

i wonder if you're on any one of the pretty clouds up there.
i wonder if any of the blinking stars in the sky belong to you.
i wonder if the falling rain is you missing me.
i wonder if you'd know how much i try not to think of you all the time.
i wonder when can i meet you again.

i had this recurring dream (or nightmare) twice. there were like 3 children who drowned. i met them everywhere i went, but didn't know they were spirits until i saw a newspaper report of children who died recently. they went to my old place in toa payoh and were asking me for help. i couldn't see them, but i knew they were there. each time i closed the house door, the door would open again. but i didn't know what help they needed from me. and i woke up.
i am such an avid dreamer, it is rather scary that i always remember my dreams and they would have such an impact on me.

pessimism feeds my soul.

do you all remember how to smile?

happy 27th birthday, korkor.

we all miss you badly.

let's just agree that the world fucking sucks, it hurts just breathing.

to carine,
asking you not to feel sad is impossible. i have no cheery words for you because i know it helps not one bit. but i just want to let you know i'm feeling just as much pain as you now, maybe in a different sense, but i am in and have been in your shoes. you're not alone feeling the struggles of this sick awful world. with this, i hope it does make you feel a little better.

maybe i don't really want to give birth at all. this world is far too harsh for anyone. far too harsh.

it is SO SO SO SO SO SO hot.

i am looking forward to the weekend.

i am so tired.

what the girls gave me this year, all the way from kuala lumpur. they always pick the most meaningful gifts for me. last year, they compiled the messages we've penned throughout the secondary school days and put them down in a book. 7 years and counting, and i am so thankful for these girls who have gone through up and downs with me. i can't say more but i love you.

it's ridiculously ironic i'm living a life that's enveloping me i'm almost smothered to death. life's not letting me go from its shackles, it's not letting me go. it is not letting me go i am so so so in pain.

happiness was never, has never, will never be a choice for me.

who will love me?

friday was so much so much fun. i felt like i was back in my secondary school days. i wish i could feel that way all the time. we laughed till our stomachs burst, i love being with you all. mind cafe is like the perfect place to hang out with your favourite buddies. thanks to hwan for such a good suggestion. i want to go there again, soon! we played pictionary, taboo, i'm the boss, fruit salad, disneymonopoly, and alot alot more. at night i think we were felt as if we were drunk (we only had fish and chips and alot of water) we spent like half an hour looking for a dice. angel and i were practically nuts, and min wanted to sweep the dice from under the sofa with a broom! we had such a lovely time, it reminded me of our chalet days, when min almost burnt the entire kitchen down with the microwave oven. happiness is short-lived, i always like to think. i want to bring ken to mind cafe.

i still remember the days.

i think of you every night
i do the best i can
not to miss you all the time
there's no closure for my emotions
and will never be
each time they speak of their brothers
all i do is to cringe inside
urging my heart not to fight itself.

all i am doing is to look forward to the weekend where i can seek solace in the company of zq and mommy. when every weekend is an enjoyment and it just flies past so quickly, it makes my entire week seem alot worse and draggy. sickening.

all the thanks in the world to nasha and nasrul. the surprise birthday gift really brightened up my day! i love the book, i must start reading it soon! (: we watched 40-year-old virgin last night, which i found was hilarious. i think i laughed a little too loud in the cinema. really quite funny, a million times better than corpse bride!

路

梁静茹

回头看来时的路
总有些复杂感触
我们走的那么辛苦
好不容易才到这地步
不被了解的痛楚 到不了爱的净土
是你让我越过冲突 陪我走过 风雨险阻这一段路
如果开始就能看见幸福
不在别人眼光耳语中迷路
或许我不能把爱看清楚
想把你的手牢牢握住
如果这是通往爱的旅途
也许过程注定要荆棘密布
但我不后悔选择这条路
你的爱让我深深体会
活着的感触
不被了解的痛楚 到不了爱的净土
是你让我越过冲突 陪我走过 风雨险阻这一段路
如果开始就能看见幸福 不在别人眼光耳语中迷路
或许我不能把爱看清楚 想把你的手牢牢握住
如果这是通往爱的旅途 也许过程注定要荆棘密布
但我不后悔选择这条路 你的爱让我深深体会
活着的感触 有时我不愿回头看 一路太多眼泪混乱
幸好有你我才变得勇敢 如果开始就能看见幸福
不在别人眼光耳语中迷路 或许我不能把爱看清楚
想把你的手牢牢握住 如果这是通往爱的旅途
也许过程注定要荆棘密布 但我不后悔选择这条路
你的爱让我深深体会 我从不后悔选择这条路
因为你的爱让我看见 活着的幸福

i love liangjingru.

i say people always regret the things they used to say the things they used to do. i saw people playing rugby on tv and i was reminded of the times in college. i used to go for your matches, wait for you to finish your training, watch rugby matches, imitate rugby players, you even taught me how to play (or maybe tried to teach). the funny thing is, i also continously complained why you spent so much time on rugby and left little time for me and your studies. but i miss those times so much, maybe you don't know, i love to see you play in matches. i even miss the you soaked in your perspiration after every game. so charismatic, so in-charge. the competition you fought in, the vigour in your eyes, the strength in your limbs, with every move you make, attracts me so much.

i miss you, ken.

today i must thank diyana, for she gave me my favourite candy, that had ken and i busy munching in the bus to town. so sweet. (:

this evening i had my first indonesian meal in 19 years, i think. i tagged along with mom and her colleagues to clark quay for dinner, i must say, indonesian food isn't really that unappealing, like i had always thought. i am so full now i feel guilty having such a heavy dinner. i am sososososososososososo fat i daren't weigh myself. and another thing, i don't know if i should feel glad that i missed my jap class today, and going to miss tomorrow's. AIYAH. DIE LAR. i've got a hunch that my old habit is getting in shape again! urgh. i am so ill-disciplined and bloody yah-yah, thinking that i can still scrape through my exams without attending classes. good luck to me.

WAHOO. BEST WISHES, LYNNETTE.

:(

i have been meeting you for the past 4 days, but i still miss you. grrrrr.

thanks to mabel who remembered my birthday, i am so touched! (:

with my first time blogging in lecture, i must say it is quite interesting. i don't understand why the lecturer doesn't give notes before his lecture, i cannot concentrate without any notes and that's why i am here. my mom was so nice to put a paper bag at the back of the bed, and being the stupid me, only realised when i was about to sleep that there was a gift waiting for me. i am so darn happy, and absolutely love my mommy to bits. she said she put it in the wardrobe at first because she thought i would go in, but decided to take it out. ken had yangyang sit on his foyer floor with my gifts and he greeted me with a slice of blackforest cake. too bad we didn't take any photos.

i love all of you. thank you for making my day. and the radio airtime really made this birthday a very special one.
thanks girls for the toy and the pouches.
thank you ken for the slippers i've always wanted, the cute pink cap (i must start to wear it!) and the smelly lip balm. (: you make me smile.
of course to my dad for my birthday money, as usual. (=
and to my beloved mommy who got me my watch and bag which must have cost at least a few hundred. i really really didn't expect any more gifts from mom since she got me my phone earlier last month. i love her.

when birthdays are just another day to pass.

2 years ago today, you brought home a big cake for me.
20 days later, before i could call 'korkor',
you were gone.
whilst i struggle with life's battles,
i cannot stop the violent inner conflicts within me.
i try to, but i cannot reject piercing memories of you.
not wanting to forget your face, sadly i can only remember you on your last bed.
thoughts of you wrench the soul out of me,
i miss you so much so much,
there's no one who'll quite know my pain.

kenneth, you make up most of my life.
thank you for being the surprise, the party, the strength of my life.
(:

i can only love you.

because of you - kelly clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of youI am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

for mellow. i miss you too damn much.

i've taken to doing every single thing on my bed. i am so damn lazy these days. it's really bad for my back and shoulders. i am now in the wardrobe, trying a whole new place to see if i have any inspiration for my soci tutorial. sadly it isn't yielding any results yet, and it's rather warm here, but at least i am away from mozzies that may be planning an ambush in the bedroom.

eccentricity.

today we spotted this guy in a red tee during lecture, he had a RED HAIRCLIP clipped onto his short tuft of hair! after the lec, we saw him again in the canteen. it was small, shimmering red, and absolutely matched his outfit. i had a good mind to ask him why the fuck has he a hairclip on his hair. i was contemplating to ask him or not, but the next moment i saw him the hairclip was gone. double boo. not that it was anything wrong, i just thought it was pretty interesting for a guy to don a red hair clip. curiosity kills the cat.

i am not given a chance
so all i know is to run
my mind stops being rational
my soul and heart cannot reconcile
my vision blurs my speech slurs
but nobody bothers
i am simply only dirt.

and so it is. we all forget the warmth in the cold, we all forget the joy in the sorrow, we all forget to love others as much as we love us.

people say life goes on. does it really? life goes on blindly i think. i am leading myself to nowhere. i am going through an identity crisis, who am i and what the hell am i here for. it's like the blind and deaf leading the blind. i feel so unhappy, unsettled. demanding that life give me somemore, but it ends up life gives me something much worse in return. life spins me round and round. life practically makes a joke out of me. does anyone even notice the difference why i smile or frown? or rather, does it make a difference in anyone's life that i am grinning or crying? each man is for himself. so i'll just leave you alone and hope you'd leave me too. because i cannot hold on much longer, and i definitely cannot help you too, i'd just make you feel worse. i have never felt so undermined, i am only a joke. would you even bother? life never did warn me, i never took precautions. i cannot blame anyone but myself. this life is so lonely, and i don't know where it goes. my life is waning.

even my shadow seems to be avoiding me
to everywhere i go
i am only myself
i am only alone
something's on my lonely mind
somebody make me smile again
i'm falling into pieces and
it's so painful
all i wanted was to smile again.

i wasn't given any second chances.

my tests this week are finally over. i am bound to fail my jap test, or rather my entire module if i carry on like this. but i have been trying, still i cannot seem to hang on, i give up after umpteen times of disappointment. i am so tired. i guess i'll just wait and see. i'm looking forward to meeting zq. time after time i emphasis, you're my only source of strength.

happy 19th to samuel!

hope you still had a relatively good one though you were in camp :(

lately all the work i've been doing is rewriting and rewriting and rewriting my philo essay. i have no other time to do any other work, less study for jap and soci. i am so going to leave nus for good. imagine me waving GOODBYE to campus. i seriously am thinking twice about what i really want in life. what is the point of all these? what the fuck have i been doing when all i really want is to enjoy play enjoy and play. i would like a life free of any worries, travel the world entirely from one inch of the world to the other end of the universe, love all whole-heartedly, trust all freely, and smile genuinely. unfortunately, the above-mentioned is not possible at all, not even without ceteris paribus. so many many many things are not within our control, though we are the ones living this life, sadly, we do not have the liberty to be selfish, what more, exclusive. freedom is FAKE in capital letters.

zq, if you ever read this, i just wanted to say

i love you.

we spent saturday watching dvds from day to night. then the room became so dark i tried to walk to the switch but i incurred a bruise when i knocked onto the end of the bed. the pain was so sharp and i thought i was going to die. ken rubbed my bruise until i was crying. so did my mom. i am really one hell of a clumsy pig. i hate myself. the bruise on my shin is almost as big as my palm, and i have to steer off skirts and berms for now, until is new tattoo is gone.

good luck to my good friend who is having his driving test on tuesday. i am waiting for you to give me a ride!

we had a fun time at forbidden then we headed down to home (where ken & co. supposedly saw fiona xie). we didn't go into home in the end 'cos we thought it was abit too late. then we headed for supper and some indian poker. we returned tired but happy. a fantastic night.

p.s. pity 2 boys are missing from the pic.

like a thief
i stole myself and put me in your care
but you never did realise i was there.

the past few days were so busy i had to put off the books and although i know procrastinating is a no-no, i just cannot help it. i have so many tests next week and assignments due and i am not even started! and i am looking forward to the end of the week as well! my entire week seems to be a reverie, because we are going out during the weekend as well. i have never been busier having fun. (:

i think i will sustain injuries very, very soon.

deprived beings only in search of an outlet to
satisfy their cravings for fame or attention
but when life cannot balance on the crest of a choppy wave
there is no buoy to hang dear life on
we just drown into the quicksand

was there a time when you last remembered
how to smile genuinely
and not to slap on that mask before you left your bedroom
did we forget that life is beautiful
and all we had to do was to hold hands and stroll
but things made us so sick, so tortured
that we are now all walking disguises.

i'd throw in the towel because i am too weak to continue this aimless battle.

i absolutely love 'you're beautiful'. i am listening to it repeatedly and still not getting bored of it. a million thanks to yiwei for setting up my wireless for me today. thank you again for the earrings as well. (: if it's not for you, i won't be blogging on my bed right now.

test results:

Class ClownYou are 0% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 85% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.
You are the Class Clown. This means you walk down the center of the classroom with books on your head, while the teacher stares on in...
Shit, I really need to stop looking at these pictures while I'm typing.
Anyway, I MEANT to say that you are the Class Clown, and this means that you are extroverted, mean, and arrogant. You are not very rational, so you gravitate towards things that produce feelings or emotions over thoughts (like fart jokes or spitballs, for instance). You are also an extrovert and rather full of yourself, so of course you want constant attention for yourself and think you are somehow better than others. You can also be a bit mean-spirited, and like a class clown you wouldn't hesitate to make a joke at someone else's expense, no matter how terrible it would make them feel. So your personality defects are that you have to be the center of attention, that you don't care about others, and that you are rather irrational and motivated by intuitions. Now stop walking around with those books on your head and sit down this instant!
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

i absolutely love the brutal part. i am quite sick, i watched cinderella man, half the time hiding behind ken because the violent parts scared me, then the next moment i told him that if my husband was killed in the boxing ring, i will stab his opponent to glory death. i mean, i will stab him dead.

when sam said 'appreciate old friends', i wonder if he was talking about us. (:
it is nice to know you have a few good friends by your side all the time, it is comforting to know a few buddies are with you all the time, it is good to just have a few. we don't need a social universe, we have our own small world.
-courtesy of rachel, who is now opposite me while i am at this :)

my baby is off on monday which means we can spend our 23rdmonth together.

i thought by running away you would come after me, i thought by weeping you would comfort me, i thought by hiding you would search for me.
but you never did.

i picked this lovely quote from jiayu's nickname:

they must be jealous of us so loving, they took you away from me. forever.

i wrote you a letter today, but i didn't know where to send it to...

i think this sounds rather sick on my part, but i get this odd feeling, i keep seeing the time at 4.44pm lately, i may die soon i think. lest this premonition comes true (pray let it), to all my good friends out there, i love all of you and am thankful that all of you came and stayed in my life. because it is YOU that kept me going on. i'm sorry i haven't been good enough a friend as you were to me, because i was a selfish bitch who deserves nothing but hell. i'm sorry when i wasn't there when you needed me most, whilst i am still alive and kicking, i'm going to make it up to you people. a good deed deserves another. i live a life full full full of regrets, and it seems i can't learn my lesson at all, in fact i still take things for granted. i want to change for the better but i have this disgusting attitude that stops me. i have lost the passion for life. i cannot laugh loudly, i cannot smile sincerely, i cannot do things wholeheartedly now, i cannot live life to its fullest now, which was my only dream. lost the love for life, spontaneity for life, energy for life. how many of us can say i will live life to its brim, and leave no regrets when i leave this world?

will i get it back?

the time comes when you have lost the life in you, and each day you pass, you are only waiting for the moment into your grave.

adam sandler is my dream guy, well, apart from brad and jude and ewan and ken of course. and sang woo. haha. he is so uber uber uber charismatic! i like the longest yard although it is very cliched, but the esprit de corp thing keeps me watching such shows. i just like it alot! and he is so cute. and nice. and everything, he looks like a perfect father! i want to watch april snow. bae yong jun can also satisfy the dream guy criteria...but i am more thumbs-up for ksw.

(:

it was a good time. i don't have many people to call friends, but at least i am so glad i have a few close ones. that'll do. too bad someone is missing in the picture. (:

ken.

i wonder when can we meet up and have such a fab time again. nothing beats old friends. i feel sort of scared now actually. there is some kind of foreboding feeling. gosh, i miss you all already.

meeting up with the gang was very surreal, very dreamy, very worthwhile. because i haven't felt so relieved in such a long time, i sort of 'released' myself for that span of time. i haven't felt so carefree. but i know relaxing does come with a big price, so there goes. but in the meantime, i am going gaga over my new pink phone!

i am thinking of getting the new samsung phone, e530 something, i think. because it has many colours to choose from. plainly just that. haha. but i think it will be a birthday present from mommy. i thought she would just buy me a phone because i need one, since the current se is so old. which also means i can't get anything else anymore. or...can i? i feel like going bangkok with mom. but my dad will surely object since it is the school term. :( i wish i just lived with mom alone. i love her to a million bits and pieces.

i am so sick and tired of school. i am having my 5-hr break now and not feeling very fortunate about it. i really shouldn't have put my tutorials on an even week, because it is so hectic. i had to rush all my readings and assignments like a mad monkey. furthermore, it is such a coincidence that i have to attend my foster aunt's wake these few days making my week even more exhausting. i am so thankful i don't have to attend school this monday, but then again i might just go for my alternate tutorial. i don't know if i am making sense. because i have quizzes, quizzes and more quizzes to study for it is neverending. i think this is worse than common tests since cts are not WEEKLY! and i totally suck at my japanese, in fact i am lost in every subject. it is so disgusting my first semester is going haywired. i didn't even get to meet ken at all, this makes me the saddest. not one minute is spent without worrying about my schoolwork and i think ken will spend my weekend accompanying me doing my assignments. i say, taking a shower is already a luxury.

can't wait to watch stairway.
and i miss my boyfriend badly.

this is for my father:

i hate you. period.

your justifications only make you look plain worse.

i hate you.

i hate you.

perhaps not many people at my age would think similarly...
i only dream to having my own children and being a good mother to them.
in about 8 to 10 years' time, i hope i would have had my first child.
:)

something was dragging me down i didn't know what.
big drops fell as if they were rain.
the lightness of it made me feel empty,
yet it was tough struggling to hold on.
so,
i fed my soul to the fleeting wind,
and never got it back.

i miss him so much.

are you looking down from the pretty cloud up there? i wish i could talk to you. it is so hard.

i am so glad that you're back. (:

like a baby cradling my every thought of you
nursing the wound that isn't healing still
while trying to bury the sickening from around
still disturbed by all the unceasing sounds
eclipsed are feelings left unsaid
alone i hang my head in wait.

exhausted.
and i want to watch stairway to heaven at a much paster face.
see how tired i am?

gosh, this has got to be the hardest wait in my life so far.
each day i am only waiting for your return.
every message from you is already a gift. every email from you is already a present.

wo zhen de hen xiang ni.

falling in love with you was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.

because you make flowers blow petals in the air
because you make raindrops fall gently from the sky
because you make sunshine seep through the leaves
because you make me feel loved.

happiness is the road you take me through, thank you.

i just finished the milk that expires today. i just realised it after consumption. i hope it's alright.

ken and i were communicating through a webcam over at his side. this is my first time viewing a web picture, and i find it so fun. i had to type as fast as he spoke. haha. some sort of long-distance relationship, i guess. it is rather interesting but i can't imagine if i have to maintain this sort of communication for long periods. another 6 days to count down to. i miss you so much. of course i am glad to 'see' you. it is so interesting to use a webcam. haha.

yangyang asked for some cottage fries.

i ask for you.

happy 19th to diyana.

lots of love. :)

hello kenneth.

miss you. remember to check your mail ok? lots of love.

:)

i know you'll be back in no time.

:)

Why, why, why was Junyang eliminated? Perhaps his supporters are still asking that question and trying to get over the shock of him being booted out of Project SuperStar last night.

Many thought the talented singer would make it to the Grand Finals on September 1, having scored some of the highest points in the entire competition. He received 34.5, 43 and 44.5 points respectively in the three songs he performed this week; an average of 40.5 points that was higher that his competitor Tan Wei Lian’s average of 37 points.

(44.5 points is the highest score any contestant has ever received from the judges.)

Still, he was given the boot at this crucial round, like eliminated female contestant Chew Sin Huey, whose average score of 42.5 was also higher than Kelly Poon Kar Lai’s 38.5.

Even while recovering from the shock of his elimination, one was drawn to tears at Junyang’s very emotional state last night.

Contrary to what we thought, Junyang’s abundant tears was not due to his sadness from being eliminated, but because he was touched by all that had happened so far. To the humble young man, his long journey into the heart of Project SuperStar and his many supporters overwhelms him.

But it is the support of one special friend (not Candyce Toh whom Junyang adamantly maintains is just a good friend) who especially touches Junyang, a friend by the name of ‘Wayne’.

In his thank-you speech last night, Junyang’s voice became choked with emotion as he said to Wayne, “I’m sorry I can’t make it in the last hurdle. I’ll still see you on September 1. Thanks so much for being with me all these years and supporting me in my music and my life. I hope to see you soon, really.”

Who is Wayne, we asked. As he replied us, Junyang’s eyes again turned red and watery, his voice wavered and even paused occasionally to collect his thoughts.

“Wayne is actually my good friend JJ Lin Junjie (a local singer). We have been good friends and brothers for seven years since we met in St Andrews JC. He’s been a great inspiration and encouragement, remembering him from the time we met till the JJ he is today. Before, he was just a normal person like us, but he works hard and there he is now. He has taught me a lot and given me a lot of advice, like what are the things to expect, what attitude a musician should have. It’s very important to educate yourself: are you going for fame, glory and glamour, or are you going for music? Glamour and fame will go away once it is over, but music will stay forever in people’s hearts. Without him, I wouldn’t have the courage to go on stage and sing,” Junyang revealed.

Last night, after finding out the news of his elimination, JJ called Junyang and told him winning is not everything; music is all about passion and creating a space for yourself and other people to know you. Junyang agreed totally with his online game buddy. “It’s just like me when I’m on stage. I was just a block of wood in the beginning. I was uncomfortable with everything going on around me, the stage is so big and I didn’t know where to move to. But slowly every week, the circle around me got bigger as I got used to the stage. It’s all about creating a space for yourself.”
Sadly, this stage is now closed to Junyang.

For now, his plans are to first clean up his room and look through all the presents and letters from his fans. Then, it’s back to hitting the books as he begins his Honours year in Economics in National University of Singapore. But Junyang claims firmly, his passion is still with music.

“Winning or losing isn’t important; in fact, I think I didn’t lose anything at all! I gained a lot of things, like my own self-confidence about my music, how far I can go and my musical direction. I used to think my singing wasn’t good, but the judges’ encouragements and comments are a big recognition of my efforts. In addition, it’s hard to find good friends who share the same passion in music, and I did through Project SuperStar.”

“It was very encouraging. William Tanoto told me he thinks I’m still the best and that he regards me highly. I’m very happy and touched for a friend to tell me that. We both agreed that this is not the end; there is no end to a musical journey and I’ll still write more music.”

credits: http://u.mediacorptv.com/story.aspx?Editorial_ID=66&SubCategoryID=19

thanks to carine:) for the info site. so now we know who is wayne. mystery solved! seriously, watching all the videos make you adore him more! his humility makes him even more charming and his winning smile melts thousand hearts! and the way he speaks english draws you even closer! everything, everything! the videos let you have your fill of junyang! :)

you start to realise that you've stopped walking, stopped looking and stopped thinking, because all you could was, cry.

i am so tired. the long 6-month break has really taken a toll on me, or rather my brains. i feel like a uber moron at lectures, not being able to catch up with lecturers, not being able to start studying again. i can't believe my holidays are over in a blink of an eye, all that holidaying and bumming around sure have some negative effect (but i don't regret, haha). and today we were practising our japanese i realised how awful it is not to have your laptop with you. i guess with my LOUSY TO CORE timetable i will have to bring it to school for entertainment purposes. no matter what it is, a laptop is always heavy. i hate the feeling of something dragging me down especially when campus has endless and endless and (everyone say it together with me) endless flights of stairs. my scanner cannot work anymore, the computer keeps displaying an error message, i feel disturbed when such gadgets fail on me. makes me feel stupid as usual. tutorials are actually starting already, and i still have no idea where the venues are everything just doesn't seem to go smoothly. even the neighbours upstairs are making some kind of dragging knocking pulling sound it irritates the wits out of me. well, pessimism isn't helping anyway. seems like if i drown in my discontent, i somehow feel better. ditto that, i LIKE to feel sad, it has been rather comforting to know that life isn't going well for you. perhaps that is how you take on every day knowing that things will go badly and when they don't, you think you're just damnit fucking lucky.

mon: 1100 - 1200 (alternating weeks)
tue: 1000 - 1800 (odd weeks 1000 - 1600)
wed: 1200 - 1800
thu: 0800 - 1600 (odd weeks 0800 - 1400)
fri: 0800 - 1600 (with a 5-hour break)

i think my timetable is just vulgar. and it is so weird i think i won't know when to go for classes and when not to. i bet i will create a blunder or many blunders for that matter. MY FRIDAY IS BURNT TO ASHES. urgh.

how come you aren't home yet? i can't stand the wait anymore.

first it was cors on everyone's blogs. a few (or rather alot) people actually blamed year ones for cors being down. like we know what is wrong? and i bet junyang is on everyone's blogs now. i think. and once again, my timetable sucks, my friday especially, and i am a goner.


i just want you to come back.

ARGH!!!
i should have voted for junyang!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
some people do not deserve it!
JUNYANG!!!

JUNYANG!!!
AHHHHH!!!
why why why why why why why???
poor thing.

my timetable sucks.

ken, i miss you more now.

I HATE CORSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

suddenly i am seeing images of oompah loompahs in my head. i hate them. the repeat appearances of them in the movie somehow are somehow etched in my mind. like subconsciously. and i am getting quite scared. ken always mentioned oompah loompahs over the phone just to scare me. but i am all alone and frightened now.

caught into a labyrinth
with a deep breath i hold
it's an amazing feeling
those secrets just never unfold
these masks just never reveal
yet insecurity prevails.

when the last 18 years are gone in a flash, i wonder what have i been doing this entire life. have i been doing anything worthwhile, have i been living life to its fullest, or rather, did i enjoy my life? enjoyment, though always my top priority, wasn't attainable, or rather still not achieved. i have always wanted to enjoy my life, but i realise, as i grow older, there are always barriers blocking my road. i call these barriers responsibilities. i was born into a family which always held studies as the main priority, the parents never really allowed a choice for me. i guess it's the societal era that i was born and brought up in. they sheltered me and sort of led the way for me, i never got to try new things, never really got to fall and skin my knees. i wonder if i would carry out parenting in the similar manner, because i really want to provide the best for my children, yet am afraid my kids will get hurt if i didn't get protective. but i guess i am not confident enough for them to take risks themselves. because the parents each have different parenting manners, i grew up a confused child. in fact, a repressive childhood led to much angst as a teenager. and till now, i wonder if i would have turned out different had the parents used less protective methods. i am not a happy person, i don't think i will ever truly be. i like to laugh, i like to smile, i like to be happy. yet the other side of me prefers to conceal and protect myself for fear of danger. i am overly paranoid and cynical. i used to think everyone innate is good-natured, but i am not so sure anymore. because i scare myself too.

there is a stinging absence because you're not here.
there is a lingering emptiness because you're not here.
just because you're not here.

now that derrick's off, i shall feast my eyes on junyang. perhaps it's because i just knew he's from nus and i feel this wee bit of affliation...(haha). he is really quite cute...but of course derrick is a gem too. i just wish junyang will win, because he is more worth it than some people.

aiyah, derrick and junyang both very cute lar.

the server is currently unavailable and i am extremely displeased. i have been trying to log in since morning and i am starving now. it feels funny blogging in school but i have nothing better to do than to wait for my log in. i hate this system because it is time-wasting and useless. someone should revise this system, or rather scrape the entire this. worthless.

everything just clawed at her skin
disguises unpeeled under the raw
painful like Scotch poured on cuts
not abit of a foolish fight
only she just took out a pen to write.

i had a dig at my own self-esteem after japanese class today. i went in like an idoit, came out like a bigger moron. in fact, after every single lecture of every module, i always come out feeling as if my self-esteem has hit rock bottom (i.e. lynnette is a bona fide loser). actually i don't know if 'bona fide' can be used in this instance but you get the drift. life is so nasty.

cheers to rachel who passed her driving on first attempt! :)

my dad insists on getting a microwave oven and i am so against it. i swear he will regret it because the moment he irks me, i will put my head into the oven and explode it. just my head, not my other body parts. of course, i was merely joking. haha.

i want to watch trainspotting again now but i don't know where the fuck i put the video. but i don't think i can watch it alone anyway.

you are in brunei already. i wish i was awake at 4am so i could reply you. maybe it's the wrong food i had, maybe it's because you've already left, i had terrible tummy upsets (for that matter, still have). perhaps my body is missing you already and acting up, wishing that if you knew i was in pain you would come back. i can't take care of yangyang because i feel sick and he is all alone and i feel so sorry. i sound like you're going away for a long long time. i hope you'll be back in no time. carine was right, i think we get too dependant on them. well, i am. i can't make out my japanese notes for nuts. that makes me feel more stupid then ever.

if i could speak to you now, i'm going to scream in pain and let you know i can't even walk but lie in bed hugging my sides so that you'll get worried and upset so you would return...but i couldn't.

when the mushrooms are in season, you take a bite and off to magical land.
when...the mushrooms are in season.

i just want to hide inside you forever, shying away from everything else.
your soul is my only security. please don't let go, i will just snap.

for a good friend, at least i thought he was:
when i thought i tried my utmost best to help you, you judged me in the most distasteful manner. i gave you my most honest opinions yet you thought otherwise of me. sometimes you seem so nice, other times you let others down. i don't need you to see things in my manner, i only want you to have a clearer picture. when i always provided you with a listening ear, you disappoint me. i hope you will use your brains first before shooting off your mouth, because you don't know how words can kill. people don't know how to help you along anymore.

i dread going to school. i cannot survive this already with you around, do you know how much i look forward to meeting you each weekend? you are my only comfort and it seems like whenever i see you, i get immersed in a totally different world, much like a fantasy world of our own. i am so not looking forward to taking japanese, this damned module seems all work and no fun. 5 hours of tutorials and 2 hours of lecture EVERY week, i think this will cause a fatal overdose of japanese. and surprise, surprise, in every tutorial you have to participate actively (read: totally embarrass yourself in front of 24 people) and you have to come prepared before each lecture. seriously, i would rather become a japanese lolita pornstar instead of this goddamned thing. i am so going to die, and you have to do either pair or group work to practise your speech and what not. i don't know why the hell i actually bid for this module, i am such a LOSER. and now, i am thinking if dropping this japanese thing, but i am too much of a coward and lazybum to go through all the damned cors thing and to actually search for another module. WHY IS LIFE SUCH A TORTURE? i can sense depression sinking in anytime soon. i am just going to die off one day simply into thin air no one would even notice the absence. i regret my decisions and i resent myself very much. i still can't believe you're actually leaving me all alone in this prison for 2 weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. this loser can't do the rest of the math. despair.

i am going to cry for the entire fornight until you are back. i think i won't be that lucky enough to cry myself to death.

interesting article:
'panic' actually helped people in times of emergency. we have always thought of panic being an overwhelming sense of fear that led to irrational human behaviour. however, researchers have observed that 'majority of live rescues are carried out by community residents who are at the scene of disasters, not by official response agencies or outside search-and-rescue teams.' 'panic' is a perfectly normal response to stress and unforeseen circumstances. 'although unpleasant, that stress is typically productive. it focuses people on solving the problem at hand or identifying those among them who can do so.'

credits: baruch fischhoff
copyright: the straits times, new york times syndicate

it is only back in your arms where i feel safe again.
it is only seen in your eyes where i feel loved again.
it is only heard in your voice where i feel comfort again.
it is only with you around, when every morning i wake, i know, life is worth living for.

thank you, kenneth. :)

i got my nails painted gold last sunday at pinc bugis while mom ha d a satisfying pedicure. the nails look a little outlandish but trust me to come up with fashion dares. haha. but looks retro i think. heh. the opi color name was actually 'at your quebec and call', i mean, how corny can these commercialised advertisers get, albeit funny? haha.

we watched twomovies back to back today at lido, with five minutes break. wedding crashers was a cliche, just as any other romantic comedy. seriously, i hate lido audiences, they never fail to piss me off. first, they come in making hell of a noise trying to get to their seats (most of the time getting the wrong ones) and next they giggle and 'whisper' at the top of their voices during the entire movie and finally, they clap when the movie finishes. whether the movie was good or not. i certainly do not think wedding crashers nor charlie and the chocolate factory were good enough movies to invite applauses. and anyway, why would one clap at movies, there is absolutely no one involved in the production of the movie in the cinema for you to show your appreciation to. the first time the audience at lido got on my nerves was a few years back. i was watching this korean horror flick about some ringing phone, when some cheena guy from the crowd just shouted 'moshimoshi.' i was totally taken aback, not only was he spoiling the whole horror movie effect, he also got the language wrong. i don't know what 'hello' is in korean, but i am darn sure it is not 'moshimoshi'. i don't know if it's the lido audience, or it is merely coincidental that i always meet the wrong people at shaw.
charlie and the chocolate factory left a strangely morbid feeling with me. it seemed like a bizarre plot, definitely not child-like or fantastical. seriously, if i were a kid and watched it, i would get nightmares. i guess that's how tim burton would like it. it would seem like a totally innocent story at first, but the mix of tim burton, roald dahl and johnny depp certainly made this plot a little more twisted and deranged. you remember most parts of the movie, but just not in the usual sweet manner, instead, i would think it as odd and a tad confusing. everyone who likes a little dark humour should watch it, i guess.

something unbelievable happened last night (no, i didn't get picked up), i saw min at zouk! the moment i entered the ladies, someone called out my name and we just screamed at the top of our lungs (as usual), and we were uber surprised to see each other! and we sms-ed each other earlier even! too bad i didn't get to dance with you girls. but i am just happy i saw you. :) the 4 of us had quite a good time, although rachel said this will prolly be her last time clubbing. we saw a few nus seniors there too, of course no one recognised us. silkygirl had some event going on lat night, and some promoter gave us a bottle of nail varnish and some eyeshadow. i mean, free is nice and all, but maybe this brand shouldn't be called silkygirl 'cos it sounds very odd. i guess i won't be going for wednesdays anymore now that school is starting. i am very apprehensive about school, and extremely blue because ken is leaving me alone of an entire fortnight (well...i wonder if there're any nice things in brunei he can get me...). my laptop has arrived and i am still quite a suakoo with these gadgets. it is sleek and pretty but as it always goes, good looks do come with a price. i have this very strong hunch, electronic devices can ever go smoothly with me, so i'll just beware. i only had 5 hours of sleep last night and my voice is still husky due to clubbing. anyone has any diy remedies for me to regain my normal voice?