i don't know. i feel very scared now.
everything a screw up. i wish i had done better.
i feel so scared.

the longer you'll be away, the happier i'll be. at least it's time for me to have my own fun.
finally.

sometimes, i wish you were the one. but it's just so impossible.

new shoes, clothes, bags, hair, face, body, phone, nails, teeth, specs, makeup,
i want them all!

such a chore. i hate studying.

i am very sure being a big fat whore will be a hundred times better than sitting for the a levels.

well, we are going out on thursday, friday, saturday, everyday!
i can't fucking wait. for the chalet too!
swimming, swimming, swimming.
got to get a new swimsuit though.

econs was ANOTHER big flop.
this is screwing me. i feel like an ass.
what the fuck.

shutter was a cut above all the horror movies i've watched in a long time.
except that there was this stupid guy behind who couldn't stop making useless comments. he was really pathetic. i had quite a good time screaming, of course, good time making carine more afraid with my shrill voice. haha. i wish i had someone to hug though.

another 4 papers (!!!) and another 5 days.
the euphoria is indescribable.
i simply cannot wait.
in any case, i miss you. i wish i could be by your side.
i wouldn't want to work during holidays.
but i don't have the cheek to constantly ask mama and papa for money to spend.
i really don't want to work.

the papers have been very depressing. i can only pray now.

if i clear all 3 a's i don't know to feel sad or happy.
if i get a D and above for all 3 subjects i will feel happy.
if i get a c and below for my gp i will cry. i think i will cry. it was a nightmare which i don't wish to mention.
if i fail my geog i will cry my eyes out.
if i fail my lit i will cry.
if i get a d for geog i will cry.
if i get an e for econs i think i will have mixed feelings.
if i can't get into uni, i'm prepared.
if i can't even enter nie, i'm dead.

byebye nus. the dream that i've always dreamt of, the dream that i never got to working towards it, byebye. i can only feel remorse, and more regret. i'm sorry.

i don't have a yellow bra and i want to get one. and one purple one. and bras with flowers all over them. like so pretty. i don't know how i feel about the exams the past few days, in case you're wondering. i feel a little funny each time i hand up the paper, but always glad that it's over. oh, well. another 8 days to go. i must watch shutter. i don't know why my face always flushes after a shower, especially at night. it's like my cheeks go like hothot. not a very healthy feeling.
SHOPPING.
SHOPPING.
SHOPPING.

mommy made me an extremely happy girl. she promised to bring me shopping every week after the exams. and i can get anything i want. this is like unbelievable. but then again, when mommy says that, i feel the urge to resist buying. it's like reverse psychology. the more she wants to pamper, the more i feel i shouldn't waste money like that. anyhow, i feel good. the hand massages every night never went in vain. haha. i can't wait and i love her.

i dreamt of many people last night. i dreamt that i had 3 boyfriends at once (if this happens in real life, i am so lucky;), whose names i will not mention because i do not even know them personally, except kenneth. revealing their names will spark off unnecessary questions like, 'why him?! you know him?' i mean, it's a dream and i'm not in conscious control. anyway, i was hugging my girlfriends in some school hall because it was a jj competition and i was surprised to see them. i can so imagine dancing with huishan, min, mari and angel. not to mention, hwan was sitting there, looking collected as usual. haha. it was a pretty happy dream. sam and ken were like competing like this computer game against a4 boys and guess who lost. a2 did. haha. it was a cute dream. i like the biscuit where there is colourful sugar topping on it. you know the yellow, white, pink, green sugar on the biscuit? i like the yellow and white ones. my mommy bought some biscuits in the shape of the merlion. i was so tickled. i went 'chomp, off with your head!', 'aahm, off with your tail!'! muahahaha. the biscuits amused me. byebye merlions.
i have already brushed my teeth but the skittles are going like 'eat me! hey, i'm here!' i can't resist. being stupid. i feel funny tonight, as in funny laugh, not funny weird.
tee-hee.

my father is one man you would love and hate at the same time.
i totally cannot live together with stubborness and atrocity.
he is my dictionary, my critic, my father.
his attitude i hate, his stubbornness i can't stand, his temper i detest.
what can i say? you can't choose your parents you know.

my mother is simple-minded and shrewd at the same time.
she lets me manipulate her as i like, she constantly nags, whether necessary or not.
her kind-heartedness i find it incredible, her stupidity i find it irritating.
another headstrong person in my life.
i mean, how can one roof sustain more than one obstinate head?

i'm fierce. i'm unreasonable. i'm bitchy. i'm a hypocrite. i throw my temper easily. i throw my weight around all the time. i like people to give way to me, in most cases they do. i'm petty. i'm very impatient. i like to have things my way. i'm nasty to everyone, whether intentionally or not. i'm sure people who know me have been hurt by me before. i don't like to be obliging. i hate making decisions but i dislike most decisions made by others. i hate being ignored. i don't like people who don't give me full attention when i'm around. i like to be important. i like being spoilt. i like to offer people candy. i like to give and receive gifts. i like to make friends, well, most of the time. i like to ignore people that i can't stand. i like to pretend. i love to gossip. i like to criticise. i like to complain. hello.

"The little whore selling herself for the newest Nokia phone might look cheap to you, but she's precious to someone else, so don't go trying to value her worth."
got this off from someone's blog. a spg's blog. i like her, i like her blog. i would like to know her personally.

must-read:
The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene
i'm waiting. to get laid.
wheet.

time after time, empty promises are made. apologies and history still repeats. i hate your attitude and i don't know what to expect and what to give you. you promised me nothing. a loaf of burnt bread. it's there but burnt. for people who don't like burnt bread, it stays there till it turns bad.

high on skittles and gasoline

there is this funny churning feeling in my tummy that makes me feel like crying.
daphne had on this odd-looking top during her first performance. it looked like it expired.
the champion was very sad. i hate funerals.

i am already bumming.
can't stand this stuff.
want to dye my hair black.
feel like getting a pedicure. my toes are killing.
anyone?

when are you ever coming back?
i don't know if you'd know the way home.
but i guess you would, given your intelligence.
can you imagine? my lips quiver and i fear you're never coming back.
it's funny because you aren't. returning ever.
i dread the times when you're no longer around.
i get really scared of things happening around me.
there's no one to turn to, no one to whine to, no one to bitch to, no one to lie on.
no one.
i wish i'd been a little better.
in things i do, in feelings i show, a little more real.
i look in the dark beside me, in case you'd happen to pop by.
a second glance, there's nobody around really.
you're everywhere, yet you're no where.
i have my sweets to share.
with no one.
i miss you. again. how come the feeling's back?
i miss you.come back.please.please.please.

must-gets:
1. zelda haircut
2. plugs
3. nerdy glasses that are black-rimmed
4. lebret piercing
5. pin(s)
6. vintage track jacket that is just fitting
7. white studded belt
8. saucony shoes
9. diesel jeans

also, be a vegan. i love the emo site, all thanks to euphe. what the fuck. so emo. wahahahaha. :)
'your scene is dead!'

it's time i descend into the depths of boredom again.
life is of ultimate boredom. boredom. boredom.
VERY BORED.
you go out and come back late, only to attempt talking to me on the phone, tired and sleepy.
how reasonable do you want me to be? i like to do what i want and i like to be allowed to do things like a spoilt brat. i like to ask you to make decisions and and agreeing to them. i like to hear your opinions and diss them next. i want to be unreasonable, moody and bitchy. how's that? that's probably how to keep me occupied. too bad if you find it a difficult task.

my dad made an extremely biased point just now. he said that his friend's wife is a cooking fanatic and they have two regular fridges at home. and their frigdes are to the brim to. and for us, we have an enormous fridge that is basically empty, not for the drink packets. which is saying, my mom is not one who enjoys cooking. also saying, he does not have home-cooked food often (or even at all) like his friend. that's a knife point to me. i mean, amidst all criticisms shot at my mom, whether subtly or not, this is ridiculous and baseless. how can you compare people like that? i was like, everyone is different. and he, being the correct and smart one as usual, argued that people can't be too different. i was stabbed. if not holding the least amount of respect as a daughter, i would have shot back, then why aren't we staying in landed property where i can have my own attic and personal balcony? there were like so many instances i could have shot back. tell me, what kind of statement is that? absolutely preposterous. you can't blame me if i turn out peculiar you know. what kind of family is this?

imagine how horrid it is to find the much-requested testimonials in friendster deleted. poor narcissistic people. all that asking in vain. ouch.

i had this dream last night that ken walked out on me to have beehoon with some other girls in school. i met jiayu and talked to her at the bus stop. yuci and yujun were there too. it was very vivid. and it was raining. ken still didn't come out. i woke up and bought breakfast for him. i ended up playing sims for a full six hours. blame it on invention. sims2 is really addictive. as good as candy. yum.

here's to my classmate:
happy 18:) tong
your long-awaited day.

i used to be a good-natured happy little girl who believed everyone was born good.
i have grown to be skeptical about things, like everything.
everything i question in cynicism.
i don't trust anyone anymore.

i hope min gets me korean candy when she gets back. i am so envious she's all covered in cloth and snow. argh! the only thing i'm looking forward to now is nov 26. and the chalet! i don't care if it's going to be fun or not. i'm dying to release!

i haven't been able to blog for the past few days because something is apparently wrong with my ie. and i am very tortured by the fact that i haven't been able to get down to studying because i'm suffering from the lack of sugar! i absolutely cannot begin 10 minutes of work without candy! this is a bad habit i haven't been able to rid of since primary school. but then if i have snacks by my books, i will be so addicted to them. it is bothersome. i finished half a bottle of pooh cookies with 2 pages of human geog. and i so miss miss miss candy empire. carine, let's go get aeromint again! thank you ken for the japanese chocolate although i said i don't want them. haha. i do want the strawberry chocolate badly! i am dying dying for sweets!

do i have to send ken off on his enlistment day? of course i'd love to, but i will have to be with his family, and it's going to be a little awkward. i've a feeling his dad will send me back and i certainly don't want to impose on him. it is all very strange.