i love everyone. mel, mom and dad. my girlfriends. my girlfriends. my girlfriends. ALL OF YOU. then, i love ken, who's always been holding my hand and has never let go. but i am still pissed that my pay is still not in. i am depressed. WHY IS MY PAY NOT IN?!

i had brandied black cherry which i absolutely love. and strawberry cheesecake is fantastic. i will not eat anything that i do not like from now on. to add to my happiness, i got myself this pretty in black sleepwear from blush! yesterday. i felt like a damned tai-tai when i kept going in and out of the fitting room with different sets of nightwear while ken sat in the couch, armed with a magazine (with fiona xie as covergirl, i mean, how worse can it get?). so showy! the only un-taitai thing was that i paid for it myself. i went, 'i pay ah?', he replied, 'i'm paying meh?', then i took my purse to the counter, with him in he background, 'i dunno they accept nets.'

one can never get too many of anything.
that is why i go shopping.
i wish my payday would come FASTER!

water water water
washroom washroom washroom
good typing skills
speed
speed
speed
lozenges
multi-tasking
multi-tasking
multi-tasking
determination
these, i need for work.
and only a measlyyyyyyyyyy pay.
cpf should really only start when i offically work.

i suddenly miss you so miss it caught me in my throat.
i wish to come home where there's someone to talk to, where there's a shoulder to lie on.
i feel so empty.
i miss you korkor.
training is already so draining i think work is tougher.
i think i'm being burned out.
i am breaking into a million pieces.
do you see?

he got 2 'i'm-a-glow-sleepy-star's for us today. he says one for him to bring to army and one for me to be reminded of him when i off the lights to sleep. haha. the star is so cute, with a jammie hat and sleep eyes, of course. and yangyang is now at my place, in my perfect care. haha. now i don't know who to turn to when i'm bored, upset, sad, moody, happy, grumpy, anything already without him around 24/7. miss him so much. i must find a job soon to get my mind off things, ANY job at all. ken, i miss you.
now that ken's told me the teacher is teabing, just as i expected, all anticipation is gone! grmph. want to read holybloodholygrail but my boy's going to bring it to camp! sucker. i want to learn driving, learn akido, learn japanese, learn to live on my own.

the 4e1 chalet was HILARIOUS.
peanut sauce spilled 7/8.
satay caught fire in the mircowave.
the kitchen was a disaster with the busybodies (me, rueyhwan, shimin, jessica).
haha. it was HAHAHAHA. notice that shimin's name is highlighted. haha.
aikwee tried to put the fire out by blowing CO2. haha. failed.
later he splashed the pot of water into the entire microwave.
haha. the inner top was blackened.
meticulous ones (huixin, yiting, etc) was cleaning up the kitchen with soap and mop. haha.
angeline was to blame, if she had been there, she would have done everything and nothing scary would have happened. hahahahaha.
i love shimin, she's so lovable! i love my class.
VERY FUNNY.
i thought our chalet was a comedy. a success comedy.

the 4e1 chalet was HILARIOUS.
peanut sauce spilled 7/8.
satay caught fire in the mircowave.
the kitchen was a disaster with the busybodies (me, rueyhwan, shimin, jessica).
haha. it was HAHAHAHA. notice that shimin's name is highlighted. haha.
aikwee tried to put the fire out by blowing CO2. haha. failed.
later he splashed the pot of water into the entire microwave.
haha. the inner top was blackened.
meticulous ones (huixin, yiting, etc) was cleaning up the kitchen with soap and mop. haha.
VERY FUNNY.
i thought our chalet was a comedy. a success comedy.

a friend's sister just passed away of illness.
my deepest sympathies and prayers go out to dorothy and her family.
this is one of the hardest times of one's life.

its been sooooo long since i added an entry.
well, in any case, i only blog when i'm bored.
and you wonder why there were so many during the exam period.
haha.
so there goes,
woohoo!!!

i saw this incredible top at guess today that i so wanted to have. actually, mommy wanted me to have it more than myself. but it costs close to 700. ARGH.

ken, i'm going to miss you alot when you're in camp.
i think i'm missing you now already...

ken bought me quite a few things from his backpacking trip i think i love him more than before. 3 tops, 1 skirt, a pair of earrings, a necklace and one bracelet that matches my current anklet. and of course, not forgetting gum. haha.
come on, be jealous!
oui!

i don't know. i feel very scared now.
everything a screw up. i wish i had done better.
i feel so scared.

the longer you'll be away, the happier i'll be. at least it's time for me to have my own fun.
finally.

sometimes, i wish you were the one. but it's just so impossible.

new shoes, clothes, bags, hair, face, body, phone, nails, teeth, specs, makeup,
i want them all!

such a chore. i hate studying.

i am very sure being a big fat whore will be a hundred times better than sitting for the a levels.

well, we are going out on thursday, friday, saturday, everyday!
i can't fucking wait. for the chalet too!
swimming, swimming, swimming.
got to get a new swimsuit though.

econs was ANOTHER big flop.
this is screwing me. i feel like an ass.
what the fuck.

shutter was a cut above all the horror movies i've watched in a long time.
except that there was this stupid guy behind who couldn't stop making useless comments. he was really pathetic. i had quite a good time screaming, of course, good time making carine more afraid with my shrill voice. haha. i wish i had someone to hug though.

another 4 papers (!!!) and another 5 days.
the euphoria is indescribable.
i simply cannot wait.
in any case, i miss you. i wish i could be by your side.
i wouldn't want to work during holidays.
but i don't have the cheek to constantly ask mama and papa for money to spend.
i really don't want to work.

the papers have been very depressing. i can only pray now.

if i clear all 3 a's i don't know to feel sad or happy.
if i get a D and above for all 3 subjects i will feel happy.
if i get a c and below for my gp i will cry. i think i will cry. it was a nightmare which i don't wish to mention.
if i fail my geog i will cry my eyes out.
if i fail my lit i will cry.
if i get a d for geog i will cry.
if i get an e for econs i think i will have mixed feelings.
if i can't get into uni, i'm prepared.
if i can't even enter nie, i'm dead.

byebye nus. the dream that i've always dreamt of, the dream that i never got to working towards it, byebye. i can only feel remorse, and more regret. i'm sorry.

i don't have a yellow bra and i want to get one. and one purple one. and bras with flowers all over them. like so pretty. i don't know how i feel about the exams the past few days, in case you're wondering. i feel a little funny each time i hand up the paper, but always glad that it's over. oh, well. another 8 days to go. i must watch shutter. i don't know why my face always flushes after a shower, especially at night. it's like my cheeks go like hothot. not a very healthy feeling.
SHOPPING.
SHOPPING.
SHOPPING.

mommy made me an extremely happy girl. she promised to bring me shopping every week after the exams. and i can get anything i want. this is like unbelievable. but then again, when mommy says that, i feel the urge to resist buying. it's like reverse psychology. the more she wants to pamper, the more i feel i shouldn't waste money like that. anyhow, i feel good. the hand massages every night never went in vain. haha. i can't wait and i love her.

i dreamt of many people last night. i dreamt that i had 3 boyfriends at once (if this happens in real life, i am so lucky;), whose names i will not mention because i do not even know them personally, except kenneth. revealing their names will spark off unnecessary questions like, 'why him?! you know him?' i mean, it's a dream and i'm not in conscious control. anyway, i was hugging my girlfriends in some school hall because it was a jj competition and i was surprised to see them. i can so imagine dancing with huishan, min, mari and angel. not to mention, hwan was sitting there, looking collected as usual. haha. it was a pretty happy dream. sam and ken were like competing like this computer game against a4 boys and guess who lost. a2 did. haha. it was a cute dream. i like the biscuit where there is colourful sugar topping on it. you know the yellow, white, pink, green sugar on the biscuit? i like the yellow and white ones. my mommy bought some biscuits in the shape of the merlion. i was so tickled. i went 'chomp, off with your head!', 'aahm, off with your tail!'! muahahaha. the biscuits amused me. byebye merlions.
i have already brushed my teeth but the skittles are going like 'eat me! hey, i'm here!' i can't resist. being stupid. i feel funny tonight, as in funny laugh, not funny weird.
tee-hee.

my father is one man you would love and hate at the same time.
i totally cannot live together with stubborness and atrocity.
he is my dictionary, my critic, my father.
his attitude i hate, his stubbornness i can't stand, his temper i detest.
what can i say? you can't choose your parents you know.

my mother is simple-minded and shrewd at the same time.
she lets me manipulate her as i like, she constantly nags, whether necessary or not.
her kind-heartedness i find it incredible, her stupidity i find it irritating.
another headstrong person in my life.
i mean, how can one roof sustain more than one obstinate head?

i'm fierce. i'm unreasonable. i'm bitchy. i'm a hypocrite. i throw my temper easily. i throw my weight around all the time. i like people to give way to me, in most cases they do. i'm petty. i'm very impatient. i like to have things my way. i'm nasty to everyone, whether intentionally or not. i'm sure people who know me have been hurt by me before. i don't like to be obliging. i hate making decisions but i dislike most decisions made by others. i hate being ignored. i don't like people who don't give me full attention when i'm around. i like to be important. i like being spoilt. i like to offer people candy. i like to give and receive gifts. i like to make friends, well, most of the time. i like to ignore people that i can't stand. i like to pretend. i love to gossip. i like to criticise. i like to complain. hello.

"The little whore selling herself for the newest Nokia phone might look cheap to you, but she's precious to someone else, so don't go trying to value her worth."
got this off from someone's blog. a spg's blog. i like her, i like her blog. i would like to know her personally.

must-read:
The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene
i'm waiting. to get laid.
wheet.

time after time, empty promises are made. apologies and history still repeats. i hate your attitude and i don't know what to expect and what to give you. you promised me nothing. a loaf of burnt bread. it's there but burnt. for people who don't like burnt bread, it stays there till it turns bad.

high on skittles and gasoline

there is this funny churning feeling in my tummy that makes me feel like crying.
daphne had on this odd-looking top during her first performance. it looked like it expired.
the champion was very sad. i hate funerals.

i am already bumming.
can't stand this stuff.
want to dye my hair black.
feel like getting a pedicure. my toes are killing.
anyone?

when are you ever coming back?
i don't know if you'd know the way home.
but i guess you would, given your intelligence.
can you imagine? my lips quiver and i fear you're never coming back.
it's funny because you aren't. returning ever.
i dread the times when you're no longer around.
i get really scared of things happening around me.
there's no one to turn to, no one to whine to, no one to bitch to, no one to lie on.
no one.
i wish i'd been a little better.
in things i do, in feelings i show, a little more real.
i look in the dark beside me, in case you'd happen to pop by.
a second glance, there's nobody around really.
you're everywhere, yet you're no where.
i have my sweets to share.
with no one.
i miss you. again. how come the feeling's back?
i miss you.come back.please.please.please.

must-gets:
1. zelda haircut
2. plugs
3. nerdy glasses that are black-rimmed
4. lebret piercing
5. pin(s)
6. vintage track jacket that is just fitting
7. white studded belt
8. saucony shoes
9. diesel jeans

also, be a vegan. i love the emo site, all thanks to euphe. what the fuck. so emo. wahahahaha. :)
'your scene is dead!'

it's time i descend into the depths of boredom again.
life is of ultimate boredom. boredom. boredom.
VERY BORED.
you go out and come back late, only to attempt talking to me on the phone, tired and sleepy.
how reasonable do you want me to be? i like to do what i want and i like to be allowed to do things like a spoilt brat. i like to ask you to make decisions and and agreeing to them. i like to hear your opinions and diss them next. i want to be unreasonable, moody and bitchy. how's that? that's probably how to keep me occupied. too bad if you find it a difficult task.

my dad made an extremely biased point just now. he said that his friend's wife is a cooking fanatic and they have two regular fridges at home. and their frigdes are to the brim to. and for us, we have an enormous fridge that is basically empty, not for the drink packets. which is saying, my mom is not one who enjoys cooking. also saying, he does not have home-cooked food often (or even at all) like his friend. that's a knife point to me. i mean, amidst all criticisms shot at my mom, whether subtly or not, this is ridiculous and baseless. how can you compare people like that? i was like, everyone is different. and he, being the correct and smart one as usual, argued that people can't be too different. i was stabbed. if not holding the least amount of respect as a daughter, i would have shot back, then why aren't we staying in landed property where i can have my own attic and personal balcony? there were like so many instances i could have shot back. tell me, what kind of statement is that? absolutely preposterous. you can't blame me if i turn out peculiar you know. what kind of family is this?

imagine how horrid it is to find the much-requested testimonials in friendster deleted. poor narcissistic people. all that asking in vain. ouch.

i had this dream last night that ken walked out on me to have beehoon with some other girls in school. i met jiayu and talked to her at the bus stop. yuci and yujun were there too. it was very vivid. and it was raining. ken still didn't come out. i woke up and bought breakfast for him. i ended up playing sims for a full six hours. blame it on invention. sims2 is really addictive. as good as candy. yum.

here's to my classmate:
happy 18:) tong
your long-awaited day.

i used to be a good-natured happy little girl who believed everyone was born good.
i have grown to be skeptical about things, like everything.
everything i question in cynicism.
i don't trust anyone anymore.

i hope min gets me korean candy when she gets back. i am so envious she's all covered in cloth and snow. argh! the only thing i'm looking forward to now is nov 26. and the chalet! i don't care if it's going to be fun or not. i'm dying to release!

i haven't been able to blog for the past few days because something is apparently wrong with my ie. and i am very tortured by the fact that i haven't been able to get down to studying because i'm suffering from the lack of sugar! i absolutely cannot begin 10 minutes of work without candy! this is a bad habit i haven't been able to rid of since primary school. but then if i have snacks by my books, i will be so addicted to them. it is bothersome. i finished half a bottle of pooh cookies with 2 pages of human geog. and i so miss miss miss candy empire. carine, let's go get aeromint again! thank you ken for the japanese chocolate although i said i don't want them. haha. i do want the strawberry chocolate badly! i am dying dying for sweets!

do i have to send ken off on his enlistment day? of course i'd love to, but i will have to be with his family, and it's going to be a little awkward. i've a feeling his dad will send me back and i certainly don't want to impose on him. it is all very strange.

You're Lili St. Cyr!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by

the exams are like only 3 days away and i have a fever!!!
my whole body aches from hair to sole. if this continues i am going to flunk my papers.
i wanted to visit the doctor but it was closed. like how coincidental is that? and i was too lethargic to search for any more, although clementi has plenty of clinics. and now the medicine over-the-counter is making me drowsy again. get well soon.

Lynnette has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Lynnette is selective when picking friends. She does not trust everyone. She has a select group of people that are truly close to her, usually two or three. She is careful when choosing her inner circle of friends.

Lynnette has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her.

Lynnette is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Lynnette is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Lynnette basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

In reference to Lynnette's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Lynnette slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Lynnette can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Lynnette will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

Lynnette will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Lynnette believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

Lynnette uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional. She does have emotions but has no need to express them. She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone. The circumstances when Lynnette does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise. Lynnette will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally. Lynnette is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Lynnette doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

accuracy: 85% woohoo.
try this at: http://www.handwritingwizard.com/complete.phtml

happy halloween.

是不是注定就是这样？
解释不了的事情就用注定这个词
我把快乐丢了
一切的一切都离我很远了
泪水很不争气的流下来
不象我了
几天来一直都是这样的 重复
我很不喜欢现在的这个样子 厌恶
无数无数的误会
象夜空里的星星 数不清
现在没有一个人可以陪我 一个人都没有
为什么这样的时候 都是我一个人

my parents talk loudly. so do i.
i tend to scream and shout.

grumpy girl.

tell me if i'm sensitive to think that plagiarism is going on here. not plagiarised as in wholesale, but somehow the contents seem somewhat similar. i am very picky. i spent my entire day in town. i woke up like very early to accompany my mom to renew her passport and after she left for her office i went to bugis for some shoe shopping. met ken at lips and we wasted our time doing nothing. more accurately, i wasted my time on being grumpy and moody while he was at his econs. i was like so ignored. i hate being ignored. i waited for him for 3 hours before he finished his tuition. alone at tcc. it was darn cold but i managed to finish 3 magazines. i have an extremely lengthy shopping list to check off after the exams. so exciting. well, ken made it up to me by coming over. we ended up watching the champion with me. at least i wasn't alone at home. there is this funny smell in my dad's room and i suspect the culprits are the dirty tees in the laundry basket. tsk tsk.

i have been taking the mrt of late. i have always preferred taking the bus, and i still do. but taking the mrt has its joys too. i like to look at people on the mrt. it's more obvious than on buses. i like shoes. i like clothes. and i like people's facial expressions. today, the carriage was rather empty. and i was sitting opposite this girl, probably twenty-odd. and we were both observing each other, like discreetly. haha. we couldn't help it, i don't know if it's female instinct to check out your species. it wasn't like critical observing but we were just being observant. i like to guess which station the person is alighting at and half the time i'm wrong. haha. there was another commuter today which almost pissed me off. she was talking in her ah-lianish english on her handphone and it was extremely irritating. almost everyone was staring daggers at her and she remained oblivious. speaking of that, you know sometimes people just stare at you throughout your journey? and you try your darnest best not to care? there was this indian man who kept looking at me i don't know why. and in due course i lost my composure and returned his stare. he stopped. it is amusing to see how kids entertain themselves on the train. with climbing up and down, swinging from bar to bar and runnning from the orange colour carriage to the blue one. it is alot of fun.

because i take the train alone.

talk like you're some big shot. the pot calling the kettle black. sometimes i think whether this is a good way to let people imitate you. that is, if the real you ever comes out. i am really in search of my own identity. don't even know who i am. i want to try relief teaching after the exams. i really cannot wait to hang out with the girls again. miss miss miss miss you. i cannot wait for the chalet! it's a plus it's held so early in december, only like 6 days after the exams! wheet. are we bringing nice clothes? haha. min, enjoy korea ok? so green-eyed. i went town 3 times this week and i'm going again later, with my mommy instead. and when i look around, everyone's in their books. i really wish for a miracle that i'm a smart chick and i can pass without any studying. that would be a real miracle. if praying can get me the grades, i will. and i wish some people will reflect. they don't know what's called a mirror. i like people who will come straight to me to ask certain things about me instead of approaching others. and i wonder how many people are reading my blog without my knowing. i like it. so attention-seeking. do leave a tag.

i don't know how to talk decently.
how come i can't sleep every night?
i am really uptight and distracted.

it has been cold recently.
it was really funny to see all sylvester's supporters lift up banners and posters that spelt 'sly'. singaporeans.

it is outrageous to be pin-pointed for something you have not done and more importantly, it is not done face-to-face. i mean, come and say things out clearly instead so any misunderstandings may be avoided. i feel so abused. why not reflect on yourself to see if you have been good enough an older sibling? have you encouraged your younger sibling when he needed it, have you tried hard enough to see if your sibling was in trouble and helped him, have you been a good brother? it is really unfair to put the blame on others when you also have a part to play. i'm not taking sides because i know he is not responsible enough and naturally lazy. but by not giving constructive comments, you put him down like that, how is that going to help him? i'm sorry my presence has caused an eyesore to you but it doesn't matter to me. what is important is your relationship with your brother. don't you even think of your brother's feelings? you don't know how many times he has appeared unhappy about the lack of sibling love in your family. i mean, when you see your friends having closer relationships with their siblings, don't you feel the slighest bit envious? my brother loved me to pieces and i didn't treasure him enough. i am terribly sorry he had to leave. i am truly ashamed of myself. my brother and i didn't have a close relationship since young, you know. my brother made the effort to narrow the gap we had from young, being the big brother. and i am really grateful for that. despite our huge age gap, we were able to share our innermost feelings. for people like you, you should be grateful that your siblings are still around. the elder sibling should take the first step since it's only natural that the younger sibling will feel apprehensive because he is afraid of rejection and authority. someone has to take the first step. if the elder one takes the initiative, i am confident that the younger one will open up too. who doesn't yearn to have a close relationship with their family?
here's to all brothers and sisters, treasure your siblings and stop trying to find fault with each other. i don't know if i have the right to say all these and if i'm right to say all these, and i don't want to sound condescending.

i am such a screw-up.
i want to cry.

b-o-r-i-n-g.
i am seriously considering nie now. there is little chance i can get into univ. there goes the long-awaited dream. byebye. on a happier note, one month from now, i'm offically into swing-wild mode. whee. can't wait.

in secret anticipation
i daren't tell anyone
because it is shameful.
but i cannot help it.
still waiting. secretly.
the last time i saw you
i got flustered
i got all confused
because i saw you.

play!

'open arms' is on repeat mode on my mp3.

Anger rules your life, not depression. Kill Kill
Destroy, you want to get revenge and hate
people and life for bringing you here and
treating you like this.


How Depressed Are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

yan xing shu has a pretty nice bod.
taiwanese boys look so much better than locals.

i must start studying this week.
in the meantime, i am officially known as the zit princess.
glory, glory.
i slept at four last night, woke up at six, slept at eight again, woke up at eleven, slept at two again and woke up at four-thirty. my sleep schedule is topsy-turvy. i'm in a funny mood today, not funny funny but funny weird. you know? sleepy mode. this is very unlike me.

i think i had one too many fruit pluses. i don't really like the sweet because it is very artificial-tasting (makes my tongue pinkish red). but it's all i can afford now and i will go crazy if my sugar intake is not kept up. as in, not kept in surplus. lucky i have my skittles for variety. mothers know best. :) sometimes, i wish i can say 'boyfriends know best.' i need more candy. and i am confused by tower karst and cone karst. if anyone knows, tell me if they're found in the same climate. anyhow, chips ahoy, ahoy!

bursting bubbles.
cracking heads.
breaking hearts.

"maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with."
-carrie in 'sex and the city'
i so much watch it after the a's. i don't know how.
i am going to be an addict.

i cannot wait for my tai-tai outings!

i received your letter!!!
hello sweetie-pie.
replied very fast.
smiles.

the exams are not even in my sight.
i am really really screwed this time.
i see my o levels stance happening again.
i know what will become of me, yet i am not doing anything to prevent it.
in for it.

it doesn't mean when your sentences end almost in a rhyme shows you can be a poet, you know.
not all sentences that rhyme make up a poem.
and definitely, you are far from being a poet.
superficial idiots.

when i'm angry, i'm a total bitch.
the next moment, i'm a childish bitch.
i am very disappointed.

"Guys will always look at other girls. It has nothing to do with you. It's just an unfortunate habit or instinct. As far as looks versus personality, looks will fade quickly and steadily while you'll be left with personality, brains,etc. That's probably why the right guy will truly appreciate you for the more meaningful things that he might share with you for the rest of your lives. Good luck. PS: It sounds as if your boyfriend might be playing games with you with some of his comments about other girls, being with you for your personality, and other ways of making you feel "low" and thus dominate the relationship and feel superior. If this is the case, maybe you could talk about the way it makes you feel and ask him to notice how these things make you feel."

if she's so good, go get her. i am just about finished with your attitude.

i don't know if this hurts.
but i am damn bored already.
i like new things.
i'd like a break now.
it's so tiring.
and so boring.

all you happy people out there, stay like that.
all you lonely people out there, come with me.

i am actually very lonely.
i don't have any friends in life.
i don't have any goals in life.
i don't have anything in life.
i don't understand why can't i be asked out to dinner too.
it's not as if i don't know them.
well, maybe i don't know the tuition girls but does it matter?
i am that important.
well, it shows, doesn't it?

i'd like it very much if the whole world gets drowned together.
i'd like it very much if the whole world gets killed together.
i'd like it very much if the whole world gets burnt together.
i'd like it very much if i get to kill some people.
i am so in need of some help.
i think i have a split personality, or several split personalities.
evil twin lynnette will end up stabbing good twin lynn sometime soon.
kid lynlyn will be suffocated by big sister lynnsey somehow.
extrovert lynnie will pull introvert nette apart somehow.
very complicated.

awkward.
weird.
as if history repeating itself.
i don't know how it turned out like that.
sheesh.

goody-two shoes who go 'ooh' and 'ahh' over things like their fancy little dresses, high and mighty stilettos, photos that reveal their arms which show that they are self-taken (ugh!), shades worn in indoor places, and every other thing that is pink, purple, pink and purple.
i hate them. in a feeble attempt to create their own personalities.
downright disgusting.
typical bimbos who actually claim that they have brains.
all that crap about religion and literature. it's so getting on MY nerves.
the worst thing is, i just can't help reading and that makes the pain in my butt hurt more.
lynnette should get a life, too.
bring together all my entries and it may seem like i hate the entire world.
i do.
this world is sick.

get lost.
sick. sick. sick.
a distorted family structure.

i have missed 2 entire weeks of studying, due to whatsoever reason.
i am really losing out.
seeing people on their way to the a's really scares the daylights out of me.
i so need to start studying now but i cannot!
i have this to do, that to watch, everything except studying.
we were supposed to attend the geog lecture today but we ended up in the pool!
we are so playful i feel very ashamed.
and i missed my only hope of a rocks and landforms lecture!!!
thinking back, i really should have gone for it.
succumbed to the devil on my left shoulder.
'lynn, another day won't hurt. there's still time.'
i am so ill-disciplined. i am so slack. i am so complacent. i am so lazy.
maybe i should pray my way to the a's.
i MUST start tomorrow.

my friend's boyfriend just got the news that he's going for ns early january. i wonder when's yours. i really hope it'll be next year too. so that you'll teach me driving (i'm really a hopeless at such things) and we can go together! =) as much as i love seeing boys in uniform, i'm going to miss you. and your hair.

i am waiting for the day to come.
byebye.
it had to end this way.
only 3 days left.
haha.

i walk past each niche, i wonder the story behind every photo.
so intriguing, so mysterious.
every teardrop on the ground,
every flash of memory.
i realise, it will be my turn someday.
after all, life is a cycle.

he sleeps in a beautiful garden
sheltered from pain and sorrow
and someday when life's journey has ended
we shall surely meet again

i'm sorry if i had to leave.

*droolz*
thankz darlingz.
coz
da
lov ya guyz
deariez
~sTaY HanDsOMe & CheEriE 4eVazZzz!~
and many many more.
YUCKS.
they might have eliminated 's' from the alphabet dictionary in their puny brains.
what is wrong with them?
the worst thing is that they actually know how to spell the words correctly.
oh, surprise, surprise.
unbelievable.
and i hate it when people post pictures of their newly-found treasures on their blogs.
ooh, MY shopping spree!
Disgusting.

the young stale memories
they kick in
they grab my ankle
they twist my neck
i fall on my pillow
a bolster soaked
a lonely house
with echoes ringing.

it's all too bad.
it's all too bad.

"oh it's been building up inside of me
for i don't know how long,
i don't know why but i keep thinking
something's bound to go wrong.."
-don't worry baby, beach boys

it's not on a first come, first served basis.
it's more like a who's company is more fun/exciting/thrilling/whatever synonym.
and i am not happy.
all that waiting in vain.
i am frigging BORED.

happy birthday mel. glad to see you.
been missing you.
by the way, your cake was good.

happy birthday, mel.
you are a year older.
see you tomorrow.
=)
i don't know to anticipate or not.
haha. quite a conflict here.
love you.

there is so much to study.
so little time.
so ill-disciplined.
so bored.
so bored.
so bored.
then i am tired.
so jealous.
the thought crossed my mind today.
all of a sudden. i don't know why i thought of it. so incredible. yet so doable.
so lost. i don't like being compared with.
do you?

you spark off the same arterial burst of love.
:)
love you lar.

hello miss high-and-mighty.
don't be paranoid.
i'm not talking about you.
i'm talking about someone else.
her.

imh should be my hangout.
where i see patients in and out of dr soh's clinic.
i make friends.
'hello, are you on depressants?'

i am a fickle person.
very.
sometimes i think i'm fickle.
sometimes i think i'm not.
see?

i hate to see people mug.
it's like slapping myself in the face.
i spent my entire day trying to settle down in coffee bean but i couldn't.
it was boring, noisy, then boring again, then abit more interesting because many friends came, then i was bored again.
and can you believe it?
i actually left my bag, yes my entire bag in the washroom cubicle today.
in holland v.
thank G. the staff kept it for me.
i can be such a loser.
ooh, like you don't know.

aloe vera. yum.

and i watched saved! today. the rather low-profile christianity-based movie. if it wasn't a school flick, i would have left the cinema. it was quite the college-based peace-conflict-climax-resolution cliche. would rather have watched open your eyes really.

i am hungry and in pain.

thanks for the fun birthday celebrations people.
i had a most touching experience with the warmest gifts.
angel, hwan, jiayu, jolyn, min, shan, xue,
thankyou. i can always count on my girlfriends.
i had a lovely surprise in class on monday morning.
03a2,
thankyou. you guys got rid of my monday blues.
i had a lovelier surprise at the glass house on monday evening.
baoyue, carine, kenneth, maybelline, rachel, samuel,
thankyou. for all the effort you have put in.
i had a fun time at marche last night.
cody, dionne, fred, kenneth, nasrul, natasha, yicheng,
thankyou. i love the shoes. blame it on big-feet me.
i had another cake at home.
mommy and daddy and mel especially,
thankyou.
i have a fantastic partner.
thankyou, kenneth. for everything you've done for me.

thank you everybody.
:)

hectic month.
imagine moving house in the middle of exams.
like how incredible is that.
not surprising that i got o for econs again.
hope that i will pass my lit.
and i'm so worried i'm not going to be able to study for the a's.
i better start soon.


like the seasons repeat
side by side our usual calls
a mere cycle
in anticipation no more
as leaves wither with time
frowns surface by winter
is it all about time
do all leaves really die

hello blog. working again!
finally. a couch potato for 1 whole month because my computer was not fixed up.
i was practically a walking tv programme schedule.
gosh. i'm so thankful.

my blog is odd. totally.
i feel like smashing this computer to pieces.
totally ridiculed.

on another note,
i love my boyfriend.
i love complex, it's the prettiest accessory i've ever seen.
well, ever had, for that matter.
and i love you, ken.
smuckers. :)

1 day.
positive or negative?
paranoia.
this is really shit.
i hope my anxiety is uncalled for.

admist all the worries and more worries, i had a wonderful day, after so long. i finished my econs test, got caught by the teacher for sneaking away, got shouted at, then he rolled his eyes and dismissed us. oh, well. school is dump. i watched a movie, held hands, exchanged blows, got into a violent struggle, went for dinner, shared beancurd and felt the happiest girl. :)

your rough of your palm ensured security, the strength of your grip proved faith and the softness of your touch showed love.

happy 17th nasha!
have a good one.
whee. :)

school's such a dread.
this gp exercise is useless.
sheer waste of time.
i'm dying for water.
a desert inside me.

displaying a glorious stance.
be it intentionally or not.
puts me off.
swagger swagger and trip.

puffy eyes and dark circles.
i don't know how they got there when i'm not even staying up to study.
yet my study is getting sapped away, day by day.
i feel brittle.
really want things to get better.
maybe smashing my brain might help.

a country that floods with propaganda. the fact that every channel shows the same national day parade, national day rally, and whatever national-something. there we have politicians breathing down our necks on how good singapore is (implied: please don't migrate to somewhere else larger more spacious more interesting filled with numerous tourist attractions and entertainment with a choice of city and countryside) and how flourishing the economy is. ooh. it is another brainwashing attempt by the whites. i don't know if this is allowed. or i might be sent into exile, somewhere like christmas island? or pulau something?

knocking on heaven's door
Bob Dylan
Mama, take this badge up from me
I can't use it any more
It's getting dark, too dark to see
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door
Mama, wipe the blood from my face
I'm sick and tired of the war
Got that old black feeling and it's out to trace
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them any more
Heaven's old black train is a-pullin' on down
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door

mel would probably have loved this song.
i don't know. and i never will, i guess.
perhaps he would have liked this by pink floyd.
i miss you, mel. sometimes i still feel your presence around. i'm glad.

after that entry, another thought set me thinking.
part of me was telling myself to be independent. like, hell, just stop thinking of him and concentrate on yourself. the other part of me wanted to call him desperately.
no prizes for guessing which part won.
like pathetic or not.

a thought suddenly dawned on me that i may be doing a little too much.
sure i've mellowed from previous attempts but i can't help being a little more loving.
little cards, pretty candies, constant reminders, gifts and everything else.
a secretary, a classmate, a buddy, a someone-who's-constantly-there, a naggy mouth.
all that. and yes, a girlfriend, i almost forgot.
silly me, ha. ha. ha.
not reciprocated. nor taken seriously.
am i putting a little too much into this?
but then again, i was never good at math, so what the hell.
i should be happy doing this.
like i used to.
sometimes i feel weary because i feel like a secret admirer.
only an admirer.

some people just think the world of themselves. their la-di-da attitudes piss me off because they are in fact no better than the rest of us down here. trying to act all high and mighty when it's all an attempt to fill up the yawning hole in their self-esteem. we meet them everywhere, in workplaces (for that matter, in my mommy's office), in schools (lucky i have no direct connections with any here. well, so far.), well, basically everywhere. there are other idiots complementing the feigned, and these are called boot lickers. i don't know. such people just get on my nerves. so thick-skinned i think they can replace the poor elephants who are going into extinction. and the fact that i bother makes me just as much the same. i mean, why do i?

human.

whatever shit comes, lick it.

i am nothing but a jealous bitch.
a secret fantasy to go around slashing people's throats, deflating their breasts, smashing their spectacles into their sockets, forming bloodstains on their stomachs the first initial of their names, replacing their contact lenses with their own fingernails, bursting their own eardrums with their own painful screams.
and finally,
they will call me princess, and my face will be the last they'd ever see.
slurp.

i need an explanation.
my arms are sore.
i got stiff shoulders.
my joints are aching.
my toes are dead.
how come the heart's still working?
explain.
fuck the world because we all chew on dicks.
i ain't making any sense.
maybe i sound like woodstock.
he talks sticks.

some people live to blog.
it's really a miracle how they can blog every single thing they come across every day.
it's so precise it's unbelievable.
well, we're all out there to get something, yeah?
i hate the word yeah.

the finger stretched out
like an oar to the boat
it came up
it went down
in an unusual rhythm
it took a while
before it felt the moist waves
i winced
shoulders shuddered
there was a jerk
held my feet together
in a twisted manner
it didn't last as long
and it was all calm again.

fahrenheit 9/11 is like so unsingaporean. haha. for once, america is good in one thing-liberty. goddamn admire moore for such guts to produce this political allegory. it's like really heavy, really serious (i bet i sound like an 8-year-old) and still heavy. it was extremely funny, mocking bush and all that. the whole audience had its silent, serious, sorrowful moments but moore managed to lighten the atmosphere with many interesting allusions and comic-like scenes. he is like really daring, and i seem like a frog in a well now. s for strict, solemn and sucky. there was a part about a mother, whose son was an american soldier killed in the iraq war, made me sob like hell. the girl next to me was too, for her boyfriend was comforting her frantically. haha. the movie or commentary had so many intriguing footages we wonder how moore managed to get hold of them. incredible. deep insights. this quote from the movie, a parent is not supposed to bury his child, has left impressions on me.

if you were around, it probably wouldn't be so hard now. how am i supposed to carry on?

a
l
o
n
e
,huh?
loser.
pathetic shit.
to the moment of degradation of the female species.

how they greet each other with hostility.
how we quarrel over same subjects perpetually.
how we fail to come to a resolution in the end.
how we cease to agree as time passes by.
how the other never seems to pay attention to any of my words.
how they failed terribly.
how we failed terribly.

this is a silent violent fight.

copious assignments.
ailing powers of concentration.
how?

this is fucking torturous.
i am never going to do these to my children.
or maybe, i would.
can't help being revengeful.

compulsive.
guilt.

i trimmed my hair yesterday and it feels so good. although it was only like an inch or two.
so duper sleepy.
and i am so glad that i go to school with ken in his daddy's car every morning. it surely beats the goddamned morning crowd on public transport. i spent half of my time in school bitching about a particular classmate. woo-hoo. it really reminds me of my secondary school days, where we bitched and bitched. of course, my bitch kakis were definitely more engaged and spontaneous. all the over-cubicles gossip and washroom talk made us look like bimbos. perhaps that earned us a name. am i glad. i have certainly mellowed ever since i entered college. after all, the people in college aren't as exciting. i cannot forget the battles we fought, especially min and me, the wars we had. haha. bitchhhhhhhhhh. the joy of gossiping. makes me feel like me all over again. also makes me miss those times.

the bitch vs the slut.
lol.

i watched the notebook today. it's the typical sappy romance. the plot was pretty predictable. but i guess i need the sweetness. haha. i had a wonderful ktv session. you guys never fail to make my day. and i'm off to town tomorrow, i'm soooo glad. wheee.

i wish i lived alone. the noise they make make an heart go an extra beat. i'm afraid it's getting too much. the window looks simply enticing.

was it hilarious. hahaha. i had such a feat watching singapore idol. contestants making fools of themselves. ridiculously funny. but the judges were really trying a tad too hard. i guess they wanted to pass off as some witty idiots. never mind those high-enders. i think dick lee is like so suave. he is like, i don't know, good-looking? i never saw him in that light. as a man approaches his later years, he looks better and better. maybe not my dad, but dick lee. some of the idol-wannabes are really humiliating themselves. shit them, they almost killed me. mommy and i were like enjoying this mockery. it was like bloody funny, no other word than funny and hilarious. haha. i can't wait for the next episode. this is shit, i'm going to take one hour to watch this unproductive crap every week. haha.

here i am, there at it again.
consuming pralines at this hour, pure bliss. thanks to dad.
and do not question my candy intake.
sugar keeps me going. sugar prevents boredom. sugar rids me of unwantedness.
without chocolate, i am capable of mistaking a piece of granite for a candy.
and i might eat it. crackkkk.
my homework looks like a scoresheet to me.
although mummy's coughing badly, i thank her for that.
she makes me know that i'm not alone here.
but
chocolates and parents do not do it all.
-missing-

i do not even need eyedrops to keep my eyes moist anymore.

i saw a pretty picture today.
it was this girl who held a gun in her hand. her body was black in colour.
she shot herself in the head. the head was like a splash of blood.
droplets of the blood slowly morphed into red, cute butterflies. they flew away, one by one.
death is metamorphosis.
death is freedom.
death is an art.
even suicide can be.

the boys in poly are far better looking than those in college.
alot better looking.
it's highly possible that the worst looking pretty boy in poly will beat the best looking one in jjc (if there is one) hands down.
this dump of a place is seriously lacking in eye candy. let's not talk candy, let's talk sugar-free clorets. not even a mint.
i get my share from other colleges. i raise eyebrows, and take second glances.
i get my bigger share from commonly-clothed but hair wonderfully-styled-and-coloured poly boys.
-the flat face, small nose, closed mouth with a slight pout and curious eyes. maybe they belong to college but i don't really bother.
the look in their eyes make me feel like a big sister, rescuing them from their lost depths.
-the sparkling whites, the lop-sided smile, strong physique and golden tan. maybe they belong to poly but again, it doesn't matter.
the defined curves along the biceps (and calves!) make me go weak in the knees. i want to be embraced!
and i wonder if there are any regrets.
oh, my pretty boy.
on that note,
oh, my pretty boys!
i feel like bitching all over again.
like how we used to back in school.
Bitch.
hello.

i make myself sound so pathetic.
yes, i make.
life isn't so bad, after all.
really.

i was counting. i lost count. because i forgot where we left off. i continue the count. do i stop now?

not enough for me.
maybe it will never be enough. never enough time to see you, to feel you.
i appreciate the constant reassurances that we'll compromise and work things out, that we'll be fine, that we'll weather this and emerge victorious.
but sometimes, the promises we make become so constant they turn redundant. they turn into hangers on which nothing hangs.
but sometimes, i reach out to hopes of us and they're so distant.
unreachable, untouchable.
i find it hard to breathe whenever the hands separate.
the void in me balloons and takes up so much space that there is none left. nothing left of myself.
i get emptied upside down everytime i watch after your disappearing back.
i'll get accustomed to this slow rhythm of breathing. tell myself i'll survive.
but there's difficulty hanging on when i'm walking around with a gaping hole the shape of you.
i'll get used, i'll get used.
meanwhile,
i'll will continue to live in pictures of us and smile at hearing your voice at the receiving line.
but not so frequently.
but why do my cheeks still glisten?

please don't cross my mind.
i think you already did.

if there were no words
no way to speak
i will still hear you
if there were no emotions
no way to feel inside
i will still feel for you.

what about you?

madness. tortured. mentally and physically.
deprived.

i really am clueless about coral reefs.
i just miss you.
i want to get my darned handphone repaired. but i can't bear to part with it.
i need to chill. literally. because i'm burnt. the sun was scorching, sort of.
i must get a trim. soon.
my arms are aching from all that swimming. yet the flabs stay and stay like concrete.
i just miss you.
my back is burning.
my scalp is hurting.
i ought to get a new pair of specs. real, black plastic ones.
i'm picking at dead skins again. i am a human exfoliator.
i have a sudden urge to shoplift. steallllllllll.
i just miss you.
i am stuck blogging.
my homework is NEVER going to get done.
i am going out tomorrow again.
i have been out from morning till night everyday since last tuesday and will do so till the next.
i still miss you.

hope you're having fun at the gig. and of course you painting the town red. when you are supposed to be completing your long-overdue assignments. haha. i miss you. but i guess your few phonecalls every now and then will just have to suffice.

i can't fall asleep. it's as if torrents are washing in my mind, it's as if it's turbulence keeping my mind going, it's as if the choppy waves make up my mind, it is intolerable without you by my side.

i was supposed to be online looking for stuff on coral reefs (why, at this time) and, surprise, surprise, i ended up here. i wonder how many are reading this blog. perhaps the people i dislike most are actually regulars. it's funny how you want to know about the enemy's life while you feel like giving that person one tight slap each time you meet. if you're one of those, and you practically hate me, here's a hello to you. =) and no, i don't know who you are.

i think that deejays should review all phone calls received from the public for bad english.

dj: so, what are you planning to do this weekend?
caller: erm, see movie?
dj: oh, are you a movie buff?
caller: ah, yah. ( the 'yah' was convincing in letting me know that he doesn't know the meaning of 'movie buff'.)
dj: go on and dedicate a song.
caller: i want to deligate to my girlfriend...

singapore. i don't know. radio stations should be the first in promoting good english. we cannot blame anyone but ourselves for seven-eighths of the population using such poor english.

it wasn't as good as i expected. all the hoo-ha about nothing really spectacular. the village builds up suspense like three-fifths of the movie and then i was pretty deflated by the time the show approached the ending. to think that 'those whom we don't speak of' are just a farce (yes, quoted from movie). it's pretty disappointing because we were all expecting a good one, just as his previous makings. i want to watch fahrenheit and notebook. i'm pretty sure i'd leave the cinema sappy and sobby after the notebook. ho-hum. why isn't porno made into a movie? and i made a oath that i'll visit edinburgh in time to come, if i'm not already staying there.

i had a nice time shopping with mommy again. really, it's been long. and what's the big hype with glutton square. i expected to see gluttons downing food like water but all i saw were queues and more queues. there were few stalls and their exorbitant prices don't help. but we don't blame singaporeans for queuing and queuing and queuing for some hawker fare that can be found somewhere else less crowded, and just as good. after all, singapore is a small place and people do get bored.

life is mundane.

p/s: min, if you read this, just wanted to let you know that i dreamt of you last time. we shared a cab home after shopping in town. see how much i miss the old times? boo-hoo.

sheer narcissism.
i love you, lynn.
jumpy-bumpy.

dripping drops of gunshot.
it's gone, isn't it?
screaming blasts of knife-wound.
it's gone, isn't it?
tell me something.
nothin's going to work.
just let it burn.

the pot hung. simmered. spilled. dropped.
into the fiery blue flames.

happy 18th birthday rachel!

had a fun day in town, especially at the glass house. if i had pictures to post of rachel's great feat, i would. haha. cheers.

my life just rocks.
the only bad part is that i feel as if i'm branded a fucked up loser each time i try.
other than that, my life is heaven.
i just keep on dying.
doesn't make sense, anyway.
this is really a cheap solution to gain attention.

curse me inside, throw me the slaps i deserve.

it's really quite impossible to imagine them as a couple.
imagination has become reality. this is really sucky.
i have no other vocabulary other than that.
she was the last person anyone would expect to be his girlfriend.
arrrrrrgh. incredible.

the ominous rings have decided to plant themselves around my eyes. it's hideous how they creep late into the night and appear the next morning without warning. the prefect result of continuous late nights. and they are permanent (really, i hope i'm so very, very wrong). they have just added the extra tinge of pure ugliness to my already-unremarkable face. let's just hope my glasses can mask their presence as much as possible. or it's the concealer as the last resort, which i am reluctant to use. it might just result in a breakout. horror of all horrors! some people just have nothing to do with cosmetics. i feel unfortunate. and full of regret.

it's unsightly, it's vicious, it's like a scar.

measure the amount of satisfaction derived from playing warcraft.
how very productive.

my favourite art of all time.
it's a miracle how genitals are used to fix such a beautiful piece. 
at the same time, the use of children seems to euphemise all its crudity.

- dna zygotic
the chapman brothers never fail to astound me.

i have a premonition that i will cause the deaths of my children in future.
then again, by giving birth to them, i am already planning for their deaths in years to come.
we give life to them, just as we send death in their paths. be it directly or not.
jitters.

genuine waste of time.
it is a complete. waste of time.
i really shouldn't have.

i tried.
but i still need a plaster. 

why isn't there the slightest effort even?
this is really one-sided.
i can feel my veins throbbing in my temples.
if i'm lucky, they might just burst and i can die from excessive loss of blood.
but i have always been an out-of-luck bitch.
too bad, lynnette.
you don't get to die so young.
someone hasn't had enough tormenting you.

i got a hairpin from my friend today. sweet. very nice of her. whoopee.
i had a lit class that lasted 3 goddamn hours today. i can't wait for next monday.
i bought sour plums today. to last me for tomorrow.
i wore my uniform in the dark today. quite thrilling since i was groping in the dark for my bra.
i was irritated and pissed because i was given a hickey. unwillingly. actually, i still am.
i am bored now. i am alone and i am really free.
i want to visit the columbarium and cry now.

what matters now?
it is only a mere display.
the hurt never really goes away.
i guess the fight goes on.
but maybe not for long.
i can't hold on much longer. 

shattered bits
a broken smile
melting sweets
a girl beguiled -
of strength and hope
walking through the tears
she's become nothing but a dope
she's nothing who she appears

stare. move. and
kill.
swift. short. and
sweet. yummy.

无尾熊
 
词:陈静楠 曲:方文良 编曲:方文良
 
你擦眼泪 习惯借我 的左手
想要靠枕就用我 右手
电视里面 那坏男人 不是我
怎么又拿 我当出气筒
其实你逛街时候 比我 还能走
口头禅却又常常说 背我
你问我是否交到野恋的女友
我发觉你眼神里十分温柔
你总爱贴 在我怀里像只无尾熊
说这辈子你就谁定应该 被我宠
就算我坏得像连续剧里的刘文聪
听了也立志当英雄
你总是说 尤加利只属于无尾熊
不能看别人 只能看你可爱的脸孔
偶尔你 情绪闹得再凶 我也不许动
用我胸膛为你挡风
有人的爱情只有一夜 那么久
很庆幸我们还能手牵手
 因为你 我才会有更宽更厚的胸口
能这样一直到老 也不错

Professor of Journalism Wilson Key "Women are carefully trained by media to view themselves as inadequate.” (MASS MEDIA)

Feminists are desperately anxious to prove that women are as strong as capable as men. Clearly they are nagged by a fear that women may NOT be as strong and as capable as men.

Women are encouraged to have careers because their talents are useful to the system and, more importantly because by having regular jobs women become better integrated into the system and tied directly to it rather than to their families. This helps to weaken family solidarity. (MODERN SOCIETY)(SOCIAL)

Women have not been permitted to pass our insights along to new generations

Sophia, a Person of Quality, "Women not Inferior to Man, fascimile reprint, 1975, Bentham Press, London

male power which is the root of evil and injustice, for men have gone to evil and unjust lengths in the attempt to protect that power and to preserve their primacy. It is clear, she argues, that men have created 'superior' men and 'inferior' women but women do not have to accept the organization and the values that men have created

It is a fact of life that men enjoy certain physical advantages over women. On average, men are stronger, taller, faster and less likely to be overweight. But none of these attributes seem to matter over the long haul. For whatever the physical virtues of maleness, longevity is not among them.
Women, as a group, live longer than men. In all developed countries and
Most undeveloped ones, women outlive men, sometimes by a margin of as much as 10
years. In the U.S., life expectancy at birth is about 79 years for women
and about 72 years for men. The gender discrepancy is most pronounced in the very old: among centenarians worldwide, women outnumber men nine to one. The gender gap has widened in this century as gains in female life expectancy have exceeded those for males. it appears that women have outsurvived men at least since the 1500s, when the first reliable mortality data were kept At present, the only countries in which male life expectancy exceeds that for females are those with long-standing sexual discrimination--including Bangladesh, India and Pakistan--where social pressures and practices such as female infanticide and bride-burning result in unique "losses" of females.If man attempts woman's function , he will prove himself but an inferior woman. If woman attempts man's function, she will prove herself but an inferior man. Some masculine women there are; some feminine men there are. These are the monstrosities of Nature.

i finally caught the whole ten yards today. it is like really funny, had me laughing throughout. the plot is like pretty simple but it's the comedy that makes it worth watching. nothing fantastic, but good comedies always work. although i don't really get the title. we wanted to watch to kill a king instead, but apparently the movie isn't very much publicised, so we decided otherwise. it is another movie based on past history. yes, and alexanderthegreat is coming up. in november that is. i hope i'll get to catch it. looks like its the trend for epic films this year. well, well, so far, troy remains the best. haha. what can i say? there are like so many pretty films screening now or soon, and i want to watch all of them. where do i find time?! i must watch the return. i want to watch whore. i want to watch so many.

they gnaw at you with such passion
they nibble at your every action
as weapons we use them
or as comfort tools to mend
like stairs upon a flight
they join together in might
but each word you say in anger
bites me behind the false laughter. 

this apparent change in my life now surely evokes memories. my brother, my friends, my past indulgences, my past regrets, my past choices. it's a blur yet stays so crystal-clear as memories. seems like a rather impulsive decision, but it has got to be. perhaps a change can spur me on, i don't know in what. i hope it's for the best. anyhow, it's part of growing up and i think i'm really becoming a big girl already. faced with challenges of the future, i can't imagine what's in store for me. it's scary because i know i'll have to handle it all alone, it's fearful because i have no idea what's further up. then again, i guess it's the unknown that pushes people, that gives us the courage that we never had. well, another few more weeks to go before i'm in a new environment.
 
memories
are they simply flakes of the past
do they hold back the sky overcast
fiddling fingers evoke the shunned sights
fleeting memories come running through the light
reminiscence of the bygones
reappear whenever one's alone

to my boyfriend:
i don't want your daisies, i don't want your teddies. i don't want fine-dining, neither do i want designer clothes. i don't want posh parties, i don't want fancy shoes. i just want you to be who you are, love me with all your heart and make me the happiest girl in the whole wide world.

with that, here's a final: i need you to be rich, ken. ;) that will make my lips pull from ear to ear. nicely. lol.

not of blockbuster material. king arthur is the most only worthy of 3 stars out of 5. the very most and i'm being generous. i thought dialogue was too much and lengthy with each character, especially in the beginning. it is as if the entire plot had to be made out by words and not action. well, there were at least 10 people who made their way to the washroom during the movie, the most i've ever seen. maybe it's the cold weather, or is it the movie? haha. perhaps the only engaging scene was the last war scene. and i think keira knightley (perhaps a pun intended by the director i guess. lol.) looked better in loveactually. she certainly wasn't appealing to me in that baring war outfit. i mean, it's a war? well, ken chooses to differ though. she must be his goddess. guinevere is certainly a war goddess, having escaped reasonably unscathed after fighting a war in that clothing, or rather, lack of. the last war scene partly makes up for the lack of decent action in the beginning, but it wasn't like fab. i would have preferred more legendary narrative to make the plot a bit more fetching. then again, romance was cramped. perhaps people will watch for clive owen and keira knightley. well, i wouldn't again. but ken is probably now swooning over knightley.

brotherhood is a deeply touching movie. i cried uncontrollably, as usual, but i think it was pretty worth the watch. warfare is however mediocre, because cinematography isn't as good as other american war films. well, behind enemy lines and black hawk down are definitely better. then again, it is the theme of the movie that made it all worth 4 stars, the very most. yes, you guessed it, brotherhood is the theme. poignant story, but plot is not really unusual, it's sort of expected. but there was something about the movie that kept my eyes on it for slightly more than 2 hours. i think it was the nuances. each time you get all worked up at a war scene, it dies down and re-emphasises the tear-jerking parts. at least, for me. it is done a little too often, at times. i would recommend watching it. my blog is becoming like a movie review site.

it takes more than mere words to keep a relationship going.
it takes much more than just after-school lunches to give me the assurances i need.
it requires time.
it requires effort.
it requires sacrifices. (more than you realise)
its tiring to always be the one who is constantly reminding.
hoping and wishing.
can you please try? even a phonecall would help.
can you save me all that tears shed in the dead of the night?
(not that i cried, in fact, i can't remember a significant time when you made me cry)
nobody's perfect. i don't expect diamonds or fine-dining.
i just want u to be that boy i once knew.
perhaps, it's my fault? i was never great to begin with. but maybe with a little probing and your help, i can be.

we can make things better.
how can i'm hitting on it again? not that we had a disagreement, more like it's me again. i just make trivial things seem a little more troublesome. i'm like actually bored. when i'm bored, i fantasize, i dream, i imagine, and i imagine for the worst.
-doooooooooooodddles. doodle. doodle.

B
O
R
E
BORED.
O
R
E
D.

how else is a sunday afternoon? blah.

分手快乐
曲：郭文贤　词：姚若龙

我无法帮你预言　委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍　朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错　至少要喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手　想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走　吹吹冷风会清醒的多
你说你不怕分手　只有点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了　剩自己一个
其实爱对了人　情人节每天都过
分手快乐　祝你快乐　你可以找到更好的
不想过冬 厌倦沉重　就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐　请你快乐　挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱　像坐慢车　看透彻了心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收　你发誓你会活的有笑容
你自信时候真的美多了

for the person who needs this most right now. always here for you, dear. take care. =) -hugs- i know there are many, many more songs that you want to sing right now. meanwhile keep them in mind, and we shall hit the microphones soon. love. :)

if life is a game, it is a torturous one. i have never been good at games, and more often than not, they never allow me to opt out of such games. the fun has been claimed, if not, my game is no less than pure disgust. in the presence of somebody reading this, i saying, my life is a failure. i'm waiting for the courage. it does run in siblings, i hope.

inevitable. blessings - bleedings.

The Glory Of Love - Peter Cetera

Tonight it's very clear
As we're both lying here
There's so many things I want to say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone
Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone
I am a man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love
You'll keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone
I am a man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love
Just like a knight in shining armour
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away
I am a man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We're gonna live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love

is this a cover? originally by chicago i think. it's so fairy-talish, it's impossible i guess. girls, just like to indulge in such fantasies. perhaps, only girls like me. oh, well, well, well.
'i am a man who would fight for your honour...'

has it all been an escape
from the reality all made up
from the eyes so blood red
to the tears in the broken cup
it's funny how it's all been said
how hurting to have your wrists cut
when i find the scars fading
with just one loud thud.

Dashboard Confessional

Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isoloated, so motivated
I am certain now that
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

i like the video. because there are clips of spiderman 2 ♦ in it. haha.

spiderman 2 is comparable to spiderman. though there are a few too corny and exaggerated parts. i thought the train part is a tad too hackneyed, scenes of such appear a little too often in movies. nevertheless, it is worthy of 4.5 stars or even 5. at least, m.j. finally realises who spiderman really is. the cinemas were all packed and we ended up in the third row. it was certainly a stimulator ride together with sound effects and heart-pounding moments, and not forgetting the close-up screen. haha. of course, the action forces are complimented with romance. sweet nuance in the love story because m.j. ultimately chooses peter, despite the earlier what-nots. what also brought a smile to my face is the reference to the importance of being earnest. like it's the underlying meaning of spiderman in the movie. another 3 years to spiderman 3 then. =)

it's so darn sickening when i see them as one of the high flyers. at least they are having and enjoying the time of their life. in the right place, with the right people. it irks me to know that i could have been there too. i could have been one of them. i hate how my life was planned. call this jealousy. whatever. yes, i AM oozing with jealousy. and it makes me feel worse because i know i could have been there too. sick. goddamnit.

the june holidays have come and gone just like that. fast. and sad to say, i have indeed done nothing at all regarding school work. truly disappointing. this wasn't what i planned for my holidays. i guess i have to snap out of this reverie soon. SOON. and there there next week, i'll only still be scouring for decent places to study. haha. where's time for revision? i don't want to procrastnate no more. and my friend just added to my misery, 'the prelims will come faster than you can say -fuck jj-'. oh well, then fuck jj.

How to make a Lynnette

Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 1 part arrogance 1 part energy

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a Kenneth

Ingredients: 1 part friendliness 1 part humour 3 parts joy

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

seeing confidence pour out from other individuals make you wonder why you can't do the same. at least, that's for me. albeit any flaws, but of course nobody is perfect, these individuals bring out the best in them confidently. that is something i cannot never do. one man's meat is another man's poison. the charm and charisma they show just further put me down further. i sometimes wish i could be like them, yet at the same time, i am still searching for my identity. pretty sad to say, turning 18 now, i have no idea as to who i really am. perhaps one can never know his real self, because the subconscious always exist. i want to meet my subconscious mind.

yay! geography! on ken's request. for once, he thinks of school. 

mr seal. i can't believe i forgot his name. something p. nasha, remind me. 

a dog that is not a dog. haha. so cute. 

pokey porcupines! 

pin*gu! i love penguins! 

:: Do you often cry in front of people or alone
it depends right.

:: Have your friends ever seen you cry
the closer ones.

:: Have you cried today
nope.

:: Do you usually cry for a long time
well, it depends too.

:: Do you get really red when you cry
sometimes.

:: Have you ever cried because you were happy
rarely.

:: Have you ever been someone's "crying shoulder"
well, of course.

:: Have you ever hugged someone because they were crying
yes. what are friends for?

:: Have you ever had a shoulder to cry on
yes. but then again. maybe not all the time.

:: Have you been hugged when you cried
yes. thankfully.

:: Do you cry during movies
all the time.

:: Do you cry while reading books
sometimes.

:: Does music make you cry
all the time!

:: Have you ever been called a cry baby
sometimes. is it good or bad?

:: Have you ever tried to stop yourself from crying:
sometimes. it's uncontrollable most of the time.

:: Does this survey make you want to cry?
wahhh!

:: Have you ever cried over a guy/girl
sadly, yes. often, i guess.

:: Do you cry when you are physically hurt
yes, haha. sounds like a kid, eh?

:: Do you cry when you are scared
sometimes.

:: Do you cry when you are mad
yes, often.

:: Do you cry over bad grades?
once. i seriously hope it doesn't happen anymore!

:: Have you ever cried over spilled milk
milk as in literal, or...?

:: Can you make yourself cry
yes. is it a talent? haha.

:: When was the last time you cried
i cannot recall.

:: Have you ever cried because you were sad for someone else
yes. emo-kid.

:: Do you have a favorite crying quote
you know the cliche one. that guy girl not worth your tears crap. haha.

:: Have you ever cried for anyone who wouldn't cry for you
once again, sadly yes.

:: Do you ever cry on anniversaries of things?
you mean death anniversaries or what?

:: Do you cry over someone you love becoz they have a gf/bf?
that's a funny question.

::When was the last time u felt love and u cried?
haha. feel love and cry?

::Who is the person you always cry for?
i don't know. myself.

:: Will you cry because this survey is over:
i would if i were out of my mind.

my mum is
great.

my dad is
weird.

my sis is
non-existent.

my bro is
mine.

my crush/bf/gf is
kenneth.

my grandma is
nice.

my grandpa is
in peace.

my teachers are
damned.

----------------------------------
stuff that i have.

my sch bag is
green.

my pencil case is
a gift from ken.

my PC is
erratic.

my wallet is
from projectshop.

my camera is
a gift from my brother.

my mobile is
damn damned slow.

my books are
bought and always left unread.

my accessories are
insufficient.

my sunglasses are
non-existent.

my towel is
just of the many.

my teddy is
collecting dust.

my clock is
in my body.

---------------------------------
what i am wearing right now.

my shirt is
blue.

my shorts/trousers is
black.

my shoes are
indispensable.

my jacket is
in surfbabes.

my socks are
holey.

my belt is
lost.

my mind is
what mind?!!?!?!

school's reopening really really soon. i think i'm falling ill. triple yucks. i really hate school.i just want to private study & sit for the a's. haha.

one of the few highlights of the sleepover. yes, us at work on shimin's! 

of course, this's mine. 

bored games. 

孤单北半球

作词:Benny.C　作曲:方文良　编曲:方文良+梁介洋

用我的晚安陪你　吃早餐 记得把想念　存进扑满
我　望着满天星在闪
听牛郎对织女说要勇敢

别怕我们在地球的两端 看我的问候　骑着魔毯
飞　用光速飞到　你面前
要你能看到十字星有北极星作伴

少了我的手臂当枕头　你习不习惯
你的望远镜望不到我北半球的孤单
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转
我会耐心地等　随时欢迎你靠岸

少了我的怀抱当暖炉　你习不习惯
E给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单
世界再大两颗真心就能　互相取暖
想念不会偷懒　我的梦通通给你保管

i'm off to the zoo tomorrow! ken and i originally intended to visit the new water theme park but macha suggested the zoo, so there goes. i wanted to visit the zoo for quite a while already, it's been ages since i last went there. i hope it will be another bonding session! we sat outside zara yesterday. macha sort of told us how he was feeling. it's really confusing for parties involved and not. everything seems to be a jigsaw. i guess it's the winding roads in life that make us stronger for other journeys in life.