blink an eye and i recall you're no longer here
it's all so true yet still unclear
it has been hard without you by my side
and the truth can no longer hide
memories you left may fade
with time everything will age
but as it'll always remain
my brother in name
you never really left us i know
your spirit still keeps me from the cold
you warm me within with your soul
i believe in you like you still do in me
i'll keep my faith, towards the light i'll see
wrap my hands with yours
with this love of yours i'll cure.

for milton with love. i'll fulfil all that you didn't have the chance to. i'll love all that you didn't have the chance to. i'll be all that you've always wanted me to be. i'll be a good girl, a good daughter, and of course, still, a good sister. by chance or fate, we've met in this life to become siblings. it wasn't by choice, but i'm glad it happened, even if it was only for a short while. happiness is always short-lived, they say. more than words i can say, the feeling's mystic and surreal. thanks for being in my life, i'm glad to be have been able to spend your life with you throughout, mellow. give me anytime, i'll still want to call you korkor. miss you so. find peace over there, brother, and i'll find mine here. we're in different places but i know you'll always hold me tight in faith. i'm happy 'cos i know you'll never leave me and someday we'll meet again. time heals. time will allow us to meet again, till then, -hugs-. :)

just for you from your dear friend:

No words can describe how i'm feeling.
for our dear friend Milton,
All i can say
is i will miss him so dearly
Speak softly
for our words pale to his story
Please find peace
my dear friend
and wait for us there
till we meet again
when our hearts will once again bare.

received this sweet little piece in my mail today. how touching to know that someone has written something so lovely for you, kor. thanks, aldric. you know mel would appreciate this so much although he never would easily reveal his emotions. =) mel was a deep person who never showed much how he cared for everybody. thanks, everybody. it's hard to express my gratitude in words. i'm sure one day we'll all meet together in that peaceful faraway land, it just takes time. we'll meet one day. till then, missing you.

i dreamt of you last night. i don't know how you came into the picture 'cos i was initially dreaming of myself and my pals on a holiday to london, supposedly. haha. maybe it was like you know, 'hey. lynn's dreaming now. quick, i'll just pop in and have a look.' =) i dreamt that we were at this little cottage in london (you once told me you liked london so much you would want to go there again, i always wanted to visit london with you, remember?) i dreamt that you and i were happily at this little coffee table chit-chatting away until i saw u drink the kilkenny. there was head on your lips and i was like, 'isn't that what jason bought for you?' you went, 'yeah,' and that was when i realised you weren't part of us anymore. but i wasn't scared at all, i asked you which offering you liked best at the wake and you told me it was the beard papa cream puff 'cos it was me who got it for you. but i didn't. i guess that's one of the ways of telling me you wanted that puff, eh? haha. i love those cream puffs, korkor, you know it. maybe that's why. i don't know if you ever tried them while you were still here, if i remember correctly you did. i'll get it for you sometime, big brother. like that i woke up, it was a very happy dream, just like our old times. i miss you so, but i'm feeling better. i saw you smile in my dream, i know you want us to be happy too. we were so happy in my dream, laughing like before. i'll keep smiling for you, mellow. =) it's all better now, school's been better, life has almost gotten back to usual but i know i'll still always miss you, long for you. hope you're happy in your world now, bro. let me know in some nice way that you're happy okay? haha. you get what i mean. i'll be glad to know, just like in the dream. with love.

thanks, sennette, huishan, yilin and yingying for the card. you guys have been really supportive. life goes on, we all know. i'm good, don't worry, it's hard but i'll somehow have the strength to carry on. =) thanks.

it's still there. of course it'll be, it has only been a few days. i feel so strange. mummy's still very upset over you. why did you have to leave? it has taken so much that i'm starting to feel angry at you. why? of so many people in the world, why had it got to be you, you, my one and only brother? moments when i just space out and stare at nothing, i cannot concentrate in school, much as i pretend to be alright. it's not. i never lost a loved one so close before, it's all quite bad. i don't know how to handle, much to the extent that it appears i ain't grieving, i'll become numb. i can no longer cry, i can no longer feel, what more think, i've become quite senseless. i have absolute no idea what i've been doing all these while, the pain's so killing, it kills my emotions. i can't speak, i can't breathe no more. it's hard pretending. i don't want to break down anymore.
friends have been supportive, thanks so much people. news'll spread i know, almost my whole class knows already, people will know sooner or later. thanks for being there, for all the encouragement, angeline, xueting, rachel, diyana, kenneth, rueyhwan, samuel, carine, chonglong, stanley, sennette, veron and everybody else. i've lost a dear brother but in return a number of more brothers, mel's friends, jackson, salleh, lewis, jason, thanks so much, too.
still, nothing can bring you back. though i know it's so very very impossible to have you back in our lives, i still harbour this teeny weeny bit of hope that somewhere sometime you'd return and our lives would be as usual. i miss you badly, very badly. there'd be nobody to repair my pc anymore, nobody to watch soccer on the sofa and spout vulgarities, nobody to buy me my favourite ice-cream, nobody to warm my comfy chair, nobody for me to confide in, nobody i can affectionately call korkor anymore. lewis was just asking me, did mel bully you? i was like no and yes. he bullied me by leaving me. it's all been quite traumatic for us, i've never dealt with a blow like this. imagine having to lose a sibling after 17 years of memories. we have only been together for 17 years, we had so much to do, so much to experience and you had to leave. it's all fated i know, but you just can't help feeling helpless and lonely. i can't come home alone, i somehow wish i won't have to return home anymore. because kor isn't there anymore. ever. i don't know what to say, how will i get over this? people say i'm strong, i am i know, i have to be, mummy and daddy need me. i know kor would want me to take care of ourselves, right kor? i wish you'd answer me, though i'll be really freaked out. but i just wish you hadn't left us. our lives have changed so much it's painful, it's hard to accept this.
i want you back, korkor.

i don't know what to say, how to say, where to start. the morning when i said goodbye to you, i never realised it was goodbye forever. that was the last time i spoke to you. hindsight is always 20/20. i should have...what if...i shouldn't have...maybe...all these are pointless now. it's been really lonely without you, and it just gets worse at night. i always saw you in my future, looking forward to a bunch of cute kids calling me 'aunty lynnette' but i guess it ain't going to happen anymore. i knew you all my life. since the day i was born. you were the only one who'd seen me in my most undesirable state. haha. me in my pyjamas and monstrous hair when i wake up, me and my most awful unladylike manners, how loud i sneeze, how fierce i can get. you knew me all your life too, well, since you were in primary 2 anyway. i love you alot, i hope you knew, i'd give up anything to have you back again, anything. i somehow wished that you'd brought me with you, 'cos it's lonely without you. i can't help feeling empty and lost each time i walk past your room, i can't help feelind sad and confused each time i see my wallpaper of you on our pc. i admit, there were times i hated you for you, but deep down we both knew i love you more than anything. i can always remember you bought me my mr funny when you first got your pay from ns, my first ever christmas present from you. i remember you bought me this hello kitty strawberry stick thinking the box had a toy but it didn't, but i still loved you for buying me something from your first pay. from what i remember, the ever first birthday gift you got for me was a pack of coloured papers, the kind 50-cent papers for folding and stuff. i rememebr how we used to fight and quarrel back in our toa payoh flat when we were still young, i pulled your chair and made you fell, i never forgot that and i'm still feeling so guilty about it. i'm sorry. i miss you alot, i miss the times when you lie on my bed and talked to me, played with my toys, exchanged our opinions about this and that. i miss the times when i lied to mummy and daddy about going to school for projects and only you were the one who knew i was out having fun in sentosa. i miss the times when i confided in you all the time, remember how i cried when i got back my o level results? you were there for me, waiting patiently downstairs for me to return with the slip? i miss you so much, so much. i've got so much to say, i regret alot of things that i've done and i've not, and i get angry at you at times. it still doesn't really feel like you've gone, especially in the day. it just seems like you've only gone out and will be back later. but at night, it's really scary 'cos reality really bites. i wish i'd given you a last kiss, a last hug. i wish i had been a better sister. give me another chance, i'd be a much better sister, even better than a brother you have been to me. i have so much to say still, but it's quite difficult now, so many emotions, so different from before. i just miss you so, kor.

in loving memory, milton tay (1978-2003)

it's been really bad. i miss you alot.

so there goes again. it just seems like they're never going to stop raising their voices at each other. i hate this place. filled with disgust and gore, i say. it's never going to stop, they never spare any thoughts for us, they never did, and never will. they can't blame us for the way we turn out also, you failed your jobs, adults. my life's is one large huge rough patch that's never going to be smoothened anyhow. when will this end, if i don't want it with any risk of lives? when will this stop, it's killing me all over again. why didn't they think of consequences before shooting their heads off at each other? it's a war in here, what about homes and hearts are warmed by love? this shelter's heated up by raging flames and pouring oil, no amount of water shall save this disaster. what can atone for our mistakes we've made throughout my life? i'm starting to get scared, it's hard growing up.

mellow. it's been long since i last saw you decent and spoke to you proper. i miss you. under the same sky but it's hard to communicate face-to-face even. we've all got our own lives and everything, so things've kind of changed. but i want you to know (cliche and what not=) that no matter what happens, i'll stand by you. i don't care what has happened and what others think, be strong and we'll pull through. i believe in you. just because we share this special bond that no one else has. =)

back off. -bleahs-

there, there. it's been long since i last blogged in school. i missed my pw lecture because i had to accompany carine since she's all alone in the lab. she's really going nuts, 'cos she's doing her pw all by herself. poor girl. i want to help her but appears she's independent. haha. today the class gave me a pleasant suprise with a belated birthday gift! thanks, people. it was so sweet and unexpected. =) *allsmiles*

medicine: kiss-dicine
dosage: two tab/cap/mark/teaspoon
- repeat every 2 hours
caution: drug may cause drowsiness. if affected, do not drive or operate machinery.

:)

when you come to the edge
of all the light you know
and you're about to step
off into the darkness
faith is about believing
one of two things will happen
there will either be something solid to stand on
or you will learn to fly.

sometimes
You tell me you're in love with me
like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
it's not that I don't want to stay
but every time you come too close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'cause it sounds so good
but if you really want me, move slow
there's things about me you just have to know
sometimes I run
sometimes I hide
sometimes I'm scared of you
but all I really want is to hold you tight
treat you right, be with you day and night
baby all I need is time
I don't wanna be so shy
every time that I'm alone I wonder why
hope that you will wait for me
you'll see that you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'cause it sounds so good
but if you really want me, move slow
there's things about me you just have to know
just hang around and you'll see
there's nowhere I'd rather be
if you love me, trust in me
the way that I trust in you

yes, i like having a boyfriend. and yes, i enjoy singlehood. so, can i be a bit more than greedy and have both at the same time? single yet attached. contradicts. -yawns-.

YOUR FULL NAME
lynnette. do you really have to know the rest?
WHAT COLOUR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?
purple.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
radio. born to make you happy - b. spears.
WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
0470
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
toothpaste. it was an accident.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
yellow.
HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
don't know. it's kind of dark out there.
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
it's kind of sad. i haven't talked to anyone since the day before yesterday.
THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
everything.
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
like as in? like? or like?
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
you're making my day worse.
FAVOURITE DRINK?
apple aloe!
FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
i don't drink.
HAIR COLOUR?
black. just black.
EYE COLOUR
ditto.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no.
SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES
only one big brother, 24.
FAVOURITE MONTH:
october.
FAVOURITE FOOD?
is mushroom a food?
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
it has been quite a long time since.
FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
christmas?
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
it depends.
DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES
both.
DO YOU LIKE SUMMER OR WINTER BEST?
ditto.
HUGS OR KISSES ?
ditto again.
RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
ditto repeated.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
chocolate or vanilla what?
DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
if they feel like it.
WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
am i expecting a reply?
WHO IS LEAST LIKELY NOT TO RESPOND?
ditto.
AMBITION?
to get over with life and just die peacefully.
WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
what makes you think i'm reading?
FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
must i have one?
WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
do nothing. must you remind me?
FAVOURITE SMELLS?
this question reminds me of famous amos.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ?
whether i should continue sleeping.

i feel so guilty. mummy and i were shopping at this heartland mart when the cashier overcharged us. of $4.80. it was only until we were on our way back then i realised that. am i an idiot or what?! i daren't tell mummy lest she scolds me. how now? i'm so guilty that i'm moody. i must have been daydreaming then. again. i'm so unaware of my surroundings that i often make such avoidable blunders. please. let me ease my guilt. i'm upset. sorry, mummy. i know you won't see this but at least, that's about the only thing i can do. sorry, mummy. i promise i'll help you with the chores tomorrow! i love you so please don't scold me if you know about this. -frowns-

Save Me - Remy Zero (Smallville Theme Song)

I feel my wings have broken
In your hands
I feel the words unspoken
Inside
When they pull you under
And I would give you any thing you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams are falling down
Crawling round and round and round
Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you
I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under
And I would give you anything you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling round and round and round
Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you
All my dreams are on the ground
Crawling' round and round and round
Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't' care how you do it
Just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just save, save
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

i don't watch smallville. not even an episode before. i'm not really into tv. but this song, the lyrics appeal to me so much.

this's the first saturday in many months that i'm actually at home blogging and not out in town or anywhere out with people. perhaps i should stay home more to actually find peace with the girl. my mum was quite shocked when i asked her to go for breakfast this morning. i guess she probably expected me to be going out but apparently this saturday's quite different. what will i be doing if you were here today? i want to watch cabin fever but you know i never go to the movies alone. it's not the same going for movies with my girlfriends. well, don't think that you're that important to me. you're not (i emphasise again: NOT). :) haha. it's quite enjoyable spending a saturday afternoon alone in your bedroom, idling around. how are things over at your side? you're enjoying yourself, i guess. there's a bbq for you tonight, am i right? haha. you sounded really excited about it the last time you talked about it. i'm kind of envious of you. but it's good here also, so don't smirk! =) sheesh. but i've been thinking alot these few days. it's been nice knowing you. maybe time will tell. it's probably already telling me something but i simply refuse to listen, if not hear. i made a little something for you, just to ease my boredom. hehe. it's just a used box made again to contain the letters i've written for you. i was contemplating whether to give you or not 'cos i'm quite shy about it. but then, not giving you just defeats its purpose. it's kind of like recycled crap but at least i took time okay, so you better appreciate it. haha. -rolls eyes at my dumb self- i don't even make sense to myself now. i can imagine you now patting my head going 'lynnette, lynnette...' in your usual you're-such-a-silly-girl tone. i miss your pats, miss your voice, just miss you. a wee bit (i mean it, just a bit). =)

time flies. it's saturday already. another day to the week of death. will probably be getting the results next week. i'm starting to get the jitters. i don't want to get retained. oh, well. yesterday was a fun day. went for pool with my clasmates (wani, shai, di, veron, carine, may, james and youwei). it was like a pool day, played straight for 3 hours. haven't played pool for so long. hehe. james was obviously the best player, haha. too bad we all couldn't go for a meal together or something. we were like all comparing the cost of our mcs, it was really quite funny. looking forward to more class outings a2-ers!!! too bad the whole class couldn't make it. i'm dying to get my tan again! last tuesday was like a total failure. i didn't even change colour, and there was no burn at all! thank goodness it didn't hurt, but as it always goes no pain, no gain. that means no tan! argh. apparently, i guess i cannot 'absorb' any darker colour already? i need the sun again!

cinderella: the sweetest sounds i'll ever hear are still inside my head. the kindest words i'll ever know are waiting to be said. the most entrancing sight of all is yet for me to see. and the dearest love in all the world is waiting somewhere for me. is waiting somewhere, somewhere for me.

cinderella: (singing) am i making believe i see in you a man to perfect to be really true? do I want you because you're wonderful? Or are you wonderful because i want you?

meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.
- unknown

i'd hold you for a lifetime, if you would take my hand..i'd love you like no other...but you don't understand..so i'll dream of us together, of how good it could be and i'll keep my love a secret until you're in love with me.

sometimes you're afraid to become a couple because you are afraid of losing what you already have with that person. but life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. no one waits forever.
- unknown

hello. i'm never gonna leave your side's on radio. it's one of your favourite songs. it's the nice version, the one you like. i wish you can hear it now but it's quite impossible. everything reminds me of you, as much as i dislike it. :) as much as i hate to admit, every time i receive a sms, i get this feeling that somehow i'm hoping that it just might be you. of course, the hope's in vain. i get this really tight uncomfortable feeling when i remind myself that it cannot be you, 'cos we're so apart, so far apart.

Guilty - Blue

I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy
I never wanted to live a lie
If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty
Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
Then I'm guilty
What am I supposed to do
Then I'm guilty
All I wanna do is speak my mind
Gulity
Then I'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
I'm Guilty

missing you a little. missing the silly you. thinking of your silliness just brings a smile back onto my face. :)

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

You are a dreamer. You have that spice for life
that others envy. You try to block out negative
things so that you can live in your own happy
little world. You know exactly what you want to
do with your life and you aren't afraid of
living.


What's your personality?
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Water


The Force of Nature Quiz
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Girly Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
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Your a very warm person who wants to be loved for
who you are. Love means the world to you but
you want it to be right. You have a vision of
perfection when it comes to true love. Just
remember, love is always perfect, but people
never are. You gotta be willing to take the
good with the bad, just as you want people to
except that about you.


What does love mean to you?
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John Michael Montgomery - I Miss You A Little

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune
Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch
I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day
When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair
Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say
I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

the last post was out of sorts. didn't know what i was rambling about. sigh. i think i wrote that in a stupor. but it was quite an entry. woke up to a phone call by my civics tutor (i'm often awoken by phone calls but this time it's a different person on the other line. you're still quite faraway, i must remember :). asked about my absence and wanted me to get a mc. the school is really troublesome. it's after promos, for goodness' sake. i guess the principal ordered every ct to call up all the absentees. there goes my 20 or 30 bucks again. the government clinic probably won't give me an mc anymore, considering the number of times i've been 'sick' already. santa monica's on radio. it's so nice. been long since i last heard this song. there's nobody to share it with though. =) hope you're doing well. take care. come to think of it, it's pretty silly to send regards or to write letters as if you can read them now, today. i know you won't be able to receive them at this moment, but just can't help it can i? haha. there, i have all the right to do so, let me. hehe. have fun.

it's been more than a day since i last saw you. the empty feeling doesn't seep in until i sit down and find myself staring blankly at the phone, sort of waiting for it to ring, secretly knowing that it wouldn't. it's become a habit. it's become a habit so much that i'm so reliant i know the feeling isn't for real and it wouldn't last. it's not love, i say, it's dependent accompaniment. i'm just used to the attention you give me without fail each day, every night. it's been a routine. routines cause people to depend heavily on others and i'm guilty of that. i don't want to miss you just because i'm lonely and lack company. i don't want to miss you just because i need comfort. i want to miss you because i just do. it's become a habit, a habit i don't want to keep. 'cos missing somebody is hard. like an emotional attack where it's so overwhelming that it pins you down and slices you till you find it hard to speak. it's always this time of the night where the handset will be pressing against the side of my face, i'd be under the covers, hearing that familiar voice. but it's different tonight. and yes, the radio isn't helping either. here without you. it just adds on to the dreadful feeling of missing someone. a nice song on radio, but the mobile phone isn't ringing nor vibrating like usual. i'm alone in my room, without your presence, building castles in the clouds, nobody to burst my fragile bubbles yet wishing you were here to share my favourite pastime. trying to sort out my thoughts by typing them out but i guess it ain't helping, 'cos i'm more confused than ever. in an emotional dilemma. bet you're surprised to read this entry but at the same time wondering if you're correct to think that i'm writing about you. maybe it's your voice that can lift my spirits now, perhaps. the bleak feeling doesn't sting me in the day when i'm kept busy but i know the thought of missing you is cast away at the back of my mind and it just won't go away. reality hits me hard at night when that's the time i finally realise you aren't with me no more. there's no right or wrong i think. i've never been so close all this time. to my own feelings that is. it's only in your absence i discern how comforting your presence can be. i'm not alone either, she's missing you as much too, perhaps more and on a different note totally, i guess. but that doesn't really matter to me. this is one of my midnight musings again, loneliness probably spurs one to think more. i unknowingly breathed you in and left you in me. it's causing me to ponder if i'm silly or stupid or just nothing within these four walls of desperate longing. you left your lingering touches on me, your pleasing voice by my ears, that was one sin you committed. but as realisation dawns on you and me, the steel heart's melting but i'm not giving way. i shy away from love because of previous lacerations. the vast boundaries made me learn my lesson. because all's a vicious cycle. i hate falling into the same trap all over again. there are so many questions left unanswered, so many pleas ignored. tonight i spend awake in bed, pondering the imponderables asking myself myriad times, why is it that i've ended up this way. why am i so adamant so unwilling to love, to love altogether. why do we fall in love when love will only tear us apart? i wish it was raining now, the patter of the rain will drown the disquietude, the moist waft of the raindrops ease the restlessness. wonder if i'll be able to sleep when my head touches the pillow like i always do because today's different without you. wonder if i'll be enjoying myself tomorrow because tomorrow's different without you. wonder if i'm on your mind at this time because you're on mine now. if i ever need something now, it'd be your presence.

=and i wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking of me too=

amanda stott - to keep from missing you

Hit a bucket at the driving range
Did an hour at the batting cage
Stuck quarters in the asteroid game
I went home the reigning queen
Whipped up a little six course lunch
Watched reruns of the Brady Bunch
That got me up to half past one
Still got hours ahead of me
Boy you better come back quick
I'm at the end of my list
I'm running out of things to do
To keep from missing you
I'm starting to scare myself
I think I need some serious help
What am I supposed to do
To keep from missing you
every store at the shopping mall
Took the long way home got lost
Back in time just to miss your call
Stay calm girl don't come unglued
Figured I'd just fall asleep
Only took about a thousand sheep
I finally found you in my dreams
And I gave you a good talking to
Boy you better come back quick
I'm at the end of my list
I'm running out of things to do
To keep from missing you
I'm starting to scare myself
I think I need some serious help
What am I supposed to do
To keep from missing you
Boy you better come back quick
I'm at the end of my list
I'm running out of things to do
To keep from missing you
I'm starting to scare myself
I think I need some serious help
What am I supposed to do
To keep from missing you
What am i supposed to to to
Do to keep from missing you
To keep from missing you

hello. i actually wanted to write you a letter. but mummy's like using my table and i haven't got enough space. so probably tomorrow? hehe. you won't read this today anyway. kind of bored without you around. haha. no other meaning. just missing you. abit. just a wee bit. don't be smug. you'll probably read the archived entries one by one when you're free. white flag's playing but there's no one messaging me to tune in to great songs on radio. hehe. hope you're doing fine. =) cheers. byebye.

as i stand here, watching the world by; how it always keeps me down, is it supposed to be like this, like this? as we try, to gain an edge in life, someone always seems to try to get in the way, is it supposed to be like this?

i bitch.
i whine.
i sulk.
i scowl.
i frown.
but behind the masquerade lies an unspoken truth.
i'm spellbound.

Music of the Night, Phantom of the Opera

Night time sharpens
Heightens each sensation
Darkness wakes
And stirs imagination
Silently the senses
Abandon their defenses
Helpless to resist the notes I write
For I compose the music of the night
Slowly, gently
Night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it
Tremulous and tender
Hearing is believing
Music is deceiving
Hard as lightning, soft as candlelight
Dare you trust the music of the night
Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn't what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be
Softly, deftly
Music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it
Secretly possess you
Open up your mind
Let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night
Close your eyes, start a journey to a strange new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes and let music set you free
Only then can you belong to me
Floating, falling
Sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me
Savor each sensation
Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

it always happens. when it's exam period, you find a whole lot of unconstructive time-wasting non-priority things to do. and end up not preparing for the exams. when the exams are over, you realise life's rather boring. it's either this or that or none. life can get a tad too boring. what to do for this week? not going to school, it's kinda stupid because like half of the j1s are off to bintan and school's probably going to be boring (as if it ain't torturing enough). there's this silly entrepreneurial thing going on for the rest of the week, pretty useless, i say. happy idling. and yes, the dead sentence shall be passed next week. *keeps fingers crossed* boredom's really kicking in. -sigh-

hello. the cards were really sweet. hehe. got to do that 'so sweet' again. made my day. thanks. =) wouldn't know what to do without you. bye.

to all going bintan:
take care, people. will miss all of you. heh. remember not to miss out packing some things, and eat well, rest well, play hard over there. we in singapore will also be having fun, so don't worry. haha. byebye! most importantly, enjoy yourselves! cheers!

p.s. am i sounding like some silly dork? haha. like it's a major thing. haha. it's only a camp. haha. have fun, anyway.

happy birthday, big brother! love you lots. -mushy- haha. know this is kind of late. but still hope you don't mind. i don't know what to get you, though. sheesh. i know you're into these such lovey-dovey stuff, but i got to say this, really, you're the best big brother one can ever have. =)

had a good day at the beach today. of so many trips, i only realised today that sentosa people are really nice. as in nice nice. but the photos didn't really turn out pretty. sheesh. haha. you see, we had these awful oil spills everywhere on us, clothes, body, just sickeningly everywhere (so much for the racist jokes. retribution, i say). we had a hard time getting them away, then the beach in-charges offered us some lotion and turpentine for cleaning the stains away. so nice! lovely people. gave us clothes and paper and all the niceties to clean ourselves. really thankful. also, the 'train' uncle was really sweet too. so friendly and all. we were like this bunch of blur-beach-babes (haha, self-praise alliteration!) and he was so helpful. what goes round comes round. hope they'll get their deserved rewards someday. hehe. had a good day. thanks, people.

in the dark it's easy to pretend that the truth is what it ought to be.
-music of the night, phantom of the opera

another paper to go. last one. ain't studying for it anyway. why bother since i'm going to flunk it? argh. argh. argh. pray that it won't rain tomorrow! PLEASE. i must get the sun tomorrow! haha. beach, here i come!!!

it is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. - agatha christie

i didn't want my picture taken because i was going to cry. i didn't know why i was going to cry, but i knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and i'd cry for a week. i could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. - sylvia plath

i've got nothing left to say. my emotions are drained. i can't do anything more. it hurts just seeing the quarrels again. i want to leave this place so much, but there's still so much i can't do, the constraints, the lack of will and courage. this place is a torture. growing up is a painful reality. i hate you, i hate you, i hate everything. i don't feel good. this is getting from bad to worse to worst. the throbbing pain in my head hasn't stopped, the heartache still lingers. always thought i've become numb, but denial isn't helping. i just feel worse trying to shut off everything. i miss having somebody there for me, it only makes me realise it's time to grow up, i cannot rely on others anymore, or for any much longer. it just breaks me returning to a place of turmoil.

=breakmyarmsandlimbsi'masgoodashandicappednow
eventhephysicalpainherehurtslessthantheemotionalstrain
nobodycanhelpmeanymore=

Smashing Pumpkins - Soma

Nothing left to say
And all I've left to do
Is run away
From you
And she led me on, down
With secrets I can't keep
Close your eyes and sleep
Don't wait up for me
Hush now don't you speak
To me
Wrapped my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is your broken heart, your heart
So now I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
I'll betray my tears
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools
One last kiss from me...yeah
One last kiss good night
Didn't want to lose you once again
Didn't want to be your friend
Fulfilled a promise made of tin
And crawled back to you
I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
I'll betray myself
To anyone, lost, anyone but you
So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me, yeah
Until the bitter, bitter end of the world, yeah
When god sleeps in bliss
And I'm all by myself
As I've always felt
And I'll betray myself
To anyone

for halloween,
the oyster boy decided to go as a human.

there comes a time
when broken hearts can't be fixed with tape
skinned knees can't be mended with loving kisses
and tears aren't cried at the expense of spilled milk
these are the times when you realise
what once was
exist only in your dreams
live for today.

fifteen. that's how you spell 15. f-i-f-t-e-e-n. after so many years of education and you can't spell fifteen? it only shows your stupidity, dear, shucks, like it's not showing already. -chuckle- haha. have a good laugh. need spelling lessons? cheers.

diana: if you ever want something badly, let it go. if it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. if it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with. -- indecent proposal

if you live to be a hundred, i want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so i never have to live without you. --winnie the pooh

[in the morning i am]: me.
[all i need is]: myself and maybe you.
[love is]: love.
[if i could see one person right now]: the person will get a scare because i just woke up and everything's in a mess, my hair's dishevelled and i'm still in my pyjamas.
[i'm afraid of]: commitment.
[i dream about]: everything.

HAVE YOU EVER...

[been in love]: define love.
[cried when someone died]: yes.
[drank alcohol]: yes.
[lied]: yes. all the time.
[coke or pepsi]: or
[flowers or candy]: is it to greedy to ask for both?

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX...

[what do u notice first?]: the way he brings himself.
[last person u slow danced with]: dance?!
[worst thing to say]: nothing. when he doesn't even talk.
[tall or short]: somewhere there.

WHO...

[makes u laugh the most?]: everything. everyone who knows me knows i probably laugh at every single thing. when i feel like laughing, i laugh.
[makes you smile]: you. =)
[gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: funny feeling?
[has a crush on u?]: nobody.
[easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: girls and boys. it depends.

DO YOU EVER . . .

[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: yes. but it's kind of disappointing.
[save aol/aim/msn conversations]: we all do, don't we? it's not everyday you speak to someone nice you know.
[cried because of someone saying something to u]: yes. sadly.

HAVE YOU EVER...

[fallen for ur best friend]: i go for males.
[been rejected]: for? by?
[rejected someone]: for? by?
[used someone]: it's innate. i can't help it.
[been cheated on] : the truth hurts.
[done something u regret]: who hasn't?!

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

[u talked to]: daddy.
[hugged]: can my bolster be somebody?
[u instant messaged]: it's kind of early. the only idiot awake and online is me.
[u laughed with]: myself. it's in schizoids.

DO YOU...

[color your hair]: no.
[habla espanol]: is that spanish? or what?

HAVE YOU // DO YOU // ARE YOU

[smoke]: no.
[obsessive]: yes.
[could u live without the computer?]: no. sadly.
[how many peeps are on ur buddylist?]: there are many non-peeps.
[what's your favorite food?]: everything. mushrooms!
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: everything. berries!
[what hurts more? physical pain or emotional pain?]: pain. it's just pain.
[trust others way too easily?]: depends. i'm kind of stupid.

FINAL QUESTIONS...

[i want]: everything.
[i wish]: i could make everyone happy. including myself.
[i love]: you. all of you. =)
[i miss]: -sob- -sob- -sob-
[i hear]: the angel-devil debate on whether i should study now or get out of this house.
[i wonder]: what'll become of me in time to come.

i just love exams. more, more!!!

re·vul·sion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-vlshn)
n.
A sudden strong change or reaction in feeling, especially a feeling of violent disgust or loathing.
A withdrawing or turning away from something.

lost in a labyrinth of dreams.

i haven't touched my othello and silas marner at all. i hope i won't die tomorrow. here without you's playing again. i can't bring myself to study. the whole day i've been doing nothing, just reminiscing old times and thinking why life has to turn out like that. ouch.

hey. can you cheer up? =) life's like this and it ain't going to get any better even if you continue your depressive stage. well, why am i telling this to you, i ain't much better. heh. still, continue living. maybe life has surprises in stored for you. it just takes time. :) keep going.

received this belated birthday card from wanxing by mail. so sweet. like so unexpected that he'll actually remember my birthday, though it's late. hehe. thanks. i don't know if you'd be reading this but still, thanks. that's so nice. =)

Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I can't sleep tonight
everybody's saying everything is alright
still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all of these lights
sunny days, where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
why does it always rain on me?
is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
why does it always rain on me?
even when the sun is shinning I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
still life on a shelf when
I've got my mind on something else
sunny days, oh where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong
why does it always rain on me?
is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
why does it always rain on me?
even when the sun is shinning I can't avoid the lightning
middle eight
oh where did the blue sky go?
oh why is it raining so?
it's so cold
oh where did the blue sky go? oh why is it raining so?
it's so cold
why does it always rain on me?
is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
why does it always rain on me?
even when the sun is shinning I can't avoid the lightning
why does it always rain on me?
why does it always rain on me?

if i had it my way, i would choose to believe the moon was a scintillating cluster of jewels, surrounded by a halo, in a vast ocean of navy blue. but of course i know better than that. it’s a satellite, radiating not even its own light but reflecting the sun's. it’s filled with craters and orbits the earth in circular motion.
i want to believe what i want to, i want to leave it as it is, or it will be, i want, i want...

seventeen years old and still going strong. heh heh. today was great as it should be. =) thanks everyone for surprising me with all your lovely gifts, cakes, cards, notes and sms-es, i love every one of them! i wish i could keep all the sms-es in my handphone but my inbox will take a million years to open :) it's really a comforting thought that although everyone's in the midst of studying for promos, they all remembered my birthday. but still, nothing beats old friends! angeline, jiayu, huaiyu, huishan, marilyn, rueyhwan, sennette, yingying, honghao thanks for the great day. =) so surprised at the surprise cake at kbox today, so sweet!!! so unexpected! it was perfect except that the fat ugly waiter with-the-hit-me-in-the-face-look was full of attitude. how rude! sheesh. never mind him. haha. mari, thinking of the -fungi-mushroom-shooting- joke makes me laugh all over again. you're my amuser eh? i love the colorful toe socks!!! haha. was just thinking that my birthday would be boring and eventless given i'm in a new place but you guys made my day again! hee. of course, birthdays in the last 4 years were the best ever, with the gifts and surprises and most importantly YOU PEOPLE! almost like an annual school event! haha. but still this year's wouldn't be fun without all of you with me. thanks. made 2 wishes again this year, sennette, you always let me make the first wish of the day! for 4 years straight! you never fail to surprise me, with the cakes and everything every year and this year with the extra squashyellow gift! haha. :) yes, xueting, glad you remembered (well, you'd better, or else=) and you're first on my present-waiting list, as always! i've got so much to say, so much to pen, but got to cut it short. thanks all, all of you made my day. *allsmiles*

another musical stand to add to my collection. is it because of the new one the ferris wheel stop turning? i wish it hadn't. another to add to my pm collection. so sweet. huishan-yingying-sennette the gift is lovely, i think i nearly cried when i opened it. lost for words. haha. it's what every girl would want to own i guess. thanks :)

i'm sad. i'm shocked. the ferris wheel has really stopped turning! what's wrong! i just turned it just now for fun then i realised it doesn't spin anymore! the music plays continously but the ferris doesn't turn with the melody anymore! why! is this an omen? i'm so scared! it really doesn't move together with the melody! no matter how i tried to 'fix' it, it won't work!!! i'm so upset. what's wrong! i really like this gift! now it won't work, what will i do? i have a bad feeling. how long has it been? since christmas last year, i was so happy to recive this, now that it's spoilt what do i do? i'm afraid to open it, the melody might not even play if i meddle with it. do you think any repair shop can do the job? i don't want it to turn out worse you know. i'm sorry it had to turn out this way. i'm sorry. i didn't want it like this either. i wished i had take better care of it, maybe it'll not spoil. i wished it would continue turning melodiously again...

angel - jiayu - rueyhwan. thanks for being so sweet. wouldn't know what life would be without knowing you 3. you make life so much brighter for me, jjc isn't the best place on earth you know, if it weren't for you guys, i don't know how i'd survived till now. never want to lose you all. thanks. =)

yes! finally! perfect on radio! like this's the song for the moment!!!

yes, wrote on 'is success dependent on competition alone?' for my essay. i don't know if i wrote out of point, but what's done cannot be undone. sheesh. what to do. the compre was quite a killer, kind of like a lit paper, irony and all. i don't think i'll understand if i didn't take lit. hah. -no inferences- heh. heh. lynn, you're so mean, so arrogant! beware! haha. i didn't quite finish my summary and my aq was in a mess. there goes gp, and chinese and econs. i hope lit's easy. hoping in vain. if words could kill, my lit papers ought to be sentenced to death for murder. life. life?
-cynical laughter-

geog paper was okay. i hope i'll get at least an e, because a d is like quite far off because of the human geog questions. argh. come to think of it, in primary schools we were all aiming to get a stars and the only mistakes we made were careless ones. come secondary school, we had to aim for passes in all the subjects. distinctions were like so far away. now it's college. issue's now to get the bare minimum passes in order to get promoted, because getting retained's a rather easy task. tsk tsk. what do we live life for? can't wait for life after promos. i think i'll go mad after that. i'm already drained from today's geog paper, 3 hours straight, my hand's sore. that's one of the minuses in being in the arts stream. write, write, write. i hate econs, by the way. i wished they would just do away with awful subjects like math and econs. obscenities. no offence, though.

i found this anonymous card on my table just now. had a feeling it's from benji. it is. ew. he's doing it again. i hate it when he comes to my postbox and manually delivers the mail. reminds me of the stalk days. i'm totally disgusted. totally. i'd rather not have any greeting from him. he'll just ruin whatever good mood that i may be in. if it's a bad mood, he'll make it worse. guess what the card said: god's love to you does not rise and fall with our performance. he loves you for who you are. oh, please!!! spare me! like he's some devoted christian, he's such a sickening person. goes to church only to pose or for his own benefit without being truly religious. i'm totally disgusted. -repeats- i'm talking so much like i still care. i don't. i just feel sick all over again looking at his handwriting. he wrote: happy birthday to you, i wish you all the best in everything you do. hope you will have an enjoyable day. take care. grotesque. and he didn't sign off, like i wouldn't know it's him? i should not be so bothered by him but i just can't help it - YUCKS.

haha. hi. i'm still on hiatus, i guess? sheesh. missed you. everyone.