Delta Goodrem - Running Away

I close my eyes and make a wish for
Inner peace and tranquillity inside
My mind I feel it's changing
Breaking down the defences of my heart
It's like a new adventure
And this is my life
No longer know the girl inside
The stranger in my mind
I'm running away. Running away from you
Though I beg you to stay. I'm running away from you
I'm running away. From predictable
Miss reliable. So methodical
Wanna be individual. And original
So radical. And desirable
Put a message in a bottle
Watch it sail across the ocean blue
So free of limitations
A vision I can only fantasize
I'm floating in a new direction
As this is my life
No longer know the girl inside
The stranger in my mind

everything just seems so unreal. it just happened. unexpectedly. feeling as if i were in a dream. i have to wake up. i'm not running away, i'm waking up. because this's all a dream. it just has to end.

chained to the rings of love. tied to the ropes of confusion. fettered to the circles of choice. relented to the rush of time.

it's too early to tell. it's still not time. can't bring myself to face it, it's unbelievable. i'm sort of lying to myself, i knew this had to come, it was only a matter of time. i never believed relationships could be purely platonic. really, all these came too fast, i can't handle it. the pain hasn't eased as yet, i still lack the courage to love, as much as i want to. once bitten, twice shy. i'm more confused than ever, and the only person who can help me is myself. i need time, i need courage. i'm not even sure of myself, what more of others? it's getting late, but it's still too early for anything. i'm drowning soon, and swimming just can't help.

Manic Street Preachers with Traci Lords - Little baby nothing

No one likes looking at you
Your lack of ego offends male mentality
They need your innocence
To steal vacant love and to destroy
Your beauty and virginity used like toys
My mind is dead, everybody loves me
Wants a slice of me
Hopelessly passive and compatible
Need to belong, oh the roads are scarey
So hold me in your arms
I wanna be your only possession
Used, used, used by men
Used, used, used by men
All they leave behind is money
Paper made out of broken twisted trees
Your pretty face offends
Because it's something real that I can't touch
Eyes, skin, bone, contour, language as a flower
No god reached me, faded films and loving books
Black and white TV
All the world does not exist for me
And if I'm starving, you can feed me lollipops
Your diet will crush me
My life just an old man's memory
Little baby nothing
Loveless slavery, lips kissing empty
Dress your life in loathing
Breaking your mind with Barbie Doll futility
Little baby nothing
Sexually free, made-up to breakup
Assassinated beauty
Moths broken up, quenched at last
The vermin allowed a thought to pass them by
You are pure, you are snow
We are the useless sluts that they mould
Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany
Culture, alienation, boredom and despair
You are pure, you are snow
We are the useless sluts that they mould
Rock 'n' roll is our epiphany
Culture, alienation, boredom and despair

The Gentle Waves - Let The Good Times Begin

Oh, loneliness
Lonely times we're spending
Life made in dreams
Lost in sleep descending
If all we see is all to believe
Then let the music play
Let's not think of tomorrow
Friends that I know
Knew that I was searching
Falling in love
But it wasn't working
Paul said "What we see is solely chemistry"
So let the music play
Let's not think of tomorrow
Let's pledge a year to the stars
And nighttime
Safe from the day
There is life without time
And when light draws near we'll disappear
The way that dreamers do
In sleep intoxicating
Oh, loneliness
Lonely times we're spending
Life made in dreams
Lost in sleep descending
If all we see is all to believe
Then Billy bring your gin
Let the good times begin

hurting inside. missing inside. but nobody cares, nobody shares. these lies, these facades of life, have become part of me. i was never given a chance to feel it real, to cry out aloud. suppressing my fears, holding back my tears. i think i'm dying inside, i think nothing feels right. the handcuffs of time hold me back, pinning me to walls of the past. i wish the skies are clear, the stars are shining, the love is here. neglect. anguish. melancholy. will i ever be saved from shadows of the past? pangs of yesterdays' pain still haunt me, when will i be free? unchain me from the shackles of misery!

absolutely love luna's cover of sweet child o' mine. has a dreamy feel to it. i sense the need to grow up but I feel there's still some emptiness inside of me. can someone fill my void? there's something left undone, i don't know what. i'm lost in this dense fog, will it ever clear? the hurting's not over yet. the pain's not eased. can someone see me? can someone feel me? i need solace, i need comfort. i'm longing for that something that i haven't found. sigh. i'm losing myself in this song, i want to wake up from this dream but it just seems to linger... is there a thin line between reality and fantasy? will someone wake me up or join me in my surreal delusion? please.

Luna - Sweet child o' mine

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine
She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine
Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

life's what you make it to be.

in and out of it just like that. really. i just can't be sure of myself. i don't even know who i am. i don't really bother myself with that, actually. or do i? questioning myself seems to be a routine of recent. always in doubt, always unsure. how do i live a life well like that? i don't have the guts to bring myself to it. i don't have the courage to face up to my own feelings. i'm afraid the sun wouldn't shine anymore. it's alrite. i don't deserve attention, i'm not worthy of any attention at all. do i even mean anything to anyone? why do i keep dreaming that untouchable dream? i wish we were...

.frivolous.child-like.timid.juvenile.scared.naive.silly.me.

why can't i be happier? today's a brand new day. yesterdays are over, even though the hurting's not...nothing lasts forever, i must cherish what i've got. you took my love for granted, it's too late to regret now that it's gone...all you ever wanted of the love you thought you won lost, but i know, whatever wasn't meant to be didn't seem to last. i'll dry those tears that never showed fast...

Amy Studt - Just A Little Girl

Sometimes I feel you're not listening
Sometimes I feel you don't understand
But I think I've got the answer
Already know what you're gonna say
Cause I'm just a little girl you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be
You say I'm just a little girl, just a little girl
How can I compare? What do I know?
What have I got to share?
But there's nothing in this world, nothing in this world
That could hold me down, can't you hear me?
Don't you understand
That I wanna be myself, wanna be the girl,
Wanna be the one that you can rely on
How I wish that you could see all there is of me
How I long to hear that you take me
For who I am
Cause I'm just a little girl you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be
Cause I'm just a little girl you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be
Sometimes I feel you're not listening
Sometimes I feel you don't understand Cause I'm just a little girl you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be
Cause I'm just a little girl you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be

is it always this case? i feel a sense of deja vu all over again. it's happening again. what's with the people i mix around with. people who point their fingers at others should be guilty themselves, i say. of course, that includes me. i don't understand this childish mentality that alot of people have, they claim to be open-minded and liberal. they certainly don't behave so. some people think they know a whole lot. i don't want to mess things up, i'm not doing much, but it seems that things just get worse as time passes. what's with everybody? i hate to be misunderstood. so much so that i think i'm becoming immune to these baseless accusations from people. you don't know me, don't think you do. nobody does. i just don't want anyone to worsen things. perhaps it's all my fault? perhaps i'm the cause of it all? perhaps it's time for me to back off. no point getting angry. i am the culprit. i should stop all my misdemeanors. really. i want to go up to heaven.

The Supremes - Are You Sure Love Is The Name Of This Game
From the album "25th Anniversary"

I'll admit that you've been
Playing with my heart
Just like it was a toy
And I've been playing along
And letting you treat me wrong
Because it seems to give you joy
Are you sure love is the name of this game
Are you sure love is the name of this game
For days on end you just stay away
Waitin' for my heart to weaken
It's like we're playing hide and seek
And I'm the one who's always seeking
Are you sure love is the name of this game
I wanna know
Are you sure L-O-V-E love is the name of this game
Will if everything's right
And uptight
How come the heartaches keep repeating
With every beat my heart is beating
Now can it be that you've been cheating
Cheating on me
Now how come you keep on
Telling me lies
Filling my life with sorrow
Don't know what to expect
From your affection
It's here today and gone tomorrow

Lene Marlin - Playing My Game
From the album "Playing My Game"

Won't open my mouth
You know what I'll say
It hurts me that it's gotta be this way
I can no longer hide
God knows I've tried
I held on as long as I could
If I could change it I would
This is the way I am
And this is what I do.
I cry my tears
But they're not for you
Playing a game
I know you've done too
I shouldn't have waited
But still it's all the same
Cause you know
I'm just playing my game.
Close your ears if you don't like the sound of my voice
You're acting like I
Like I had a choice
But to leave you behind well,
I've made up my mind.
I cry my tears
But they not for you
Playing a game
I know you've done too
I shouldn't have waited,
But still it is all the same
Because you know,
I'm just playing my game.
Don't hold me with your eyes
The light in them I cannot see,
No need to blind me
There's this darkness where I walk
You thought you had your future
All figured out.
I cry my tears
But they're not for you
Playing a game
I know you've done too
I shouldn't have waited,
But still it is all the same
Cause you know,
I'm just playing my game,
I'm playing my game.

Todd Rundgren - Can We Still Be Friends

We can't play this game anymore, but
Can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before, but
Can we still be friends?
We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Things are said one by one
Before you know it's all gone
Let's admit we made a mistake, but
Can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but
Can we still be friends?
It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?
We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet sad old song

it seems like things aren't the same anymore. i took too many things for granted. i didn't do the things i really wanted. i was afraid. i didn't have the guts. i lost things that could have easily been mine. there's really no use in regretting it now. it's too late. i should have made things clearer, but it seems now, it wouldn't help much at this moment. there's no point in feeling lost, feeling upset, what's lost is lost. maybe things will change for the better? maybe. you never really realise the value of some things in life until you lose them, the truth simply hurts. i wish i could turn back the hands of time, i would have realised you were someone i could never have lost... i lost something i never had.

`i`question`myself`why`didn't`i`see`you`there`as`my`angel`i`just`lost`you`i'm`going`to`miss`having`you`there`for`me`i`really`will`

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

i really am sorry. some things just happen for a reason. we just don't know how to explain them.

i shouldn't have taken things for granted. oh, well. things come and go, people enter and leave, just like love. i should have been clearer of my feelings and actions. i just manipulate people around me, and people do the same to me. it's a dog-eat-dog world, isn't it? does it pay to be nice? but, i'm not even nice first place, anyway. i do feel this bit guilty, about everything that's happening and about everyone. i shouldn't be this evil-doer, harming everyone around me. stay away! i'm not in control of myself, really. i am not manipulative. i don't want to be.

sometimes things happen in life. sometimes not every thing happens for a reason. there are so many things on my mind lately that i can't seem to think properly. i'm confused, unaware of my own feelings. maybe it's time i come to terms with it, maybe it's time to wake up from the chimera. but i'm still unsure, i'm still not taking risks. love is the last thing i want in my life right now. l like it this way. i'm still playful. affairs of the heart just have to be shelved for the time being. it's not just yet. i hope i won't mess things up in my fluster of playsome. i'm unhinged by every single issue in my pathetic life. i'm becoming optimistic, i have a life now at least. oh.

phone booth's a great show. requires alot of thinking to understand the movie. alot of psychology in it, too. being able to be in control of your mind and body spontaneously is not an easy task, it seems. certainly worth watching. full of suspense yet made one feel conscious of oneself. i see myself somewhere in the picture and not. hm. well, just watch it. it's good.

Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You
feel contentment moreso than happiness and your
emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to
cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where
there is rain there is a rainbow and you need
to see it more than others. Do something that
makes you happy.


How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which toe are you? o_O~?

What Drink Are You?

why are you so nice? i don't need you to be nice. i don't want to be dependant on you. i don't need anyone. i don't want to be in need of anybody. i have to be indepedent already. the act of adnegation never left me...

+constantlyinselfdenialbecausei'mafraidtofaceuptobitterreality+

i'm scared of everything. i live in constant fear. i'm paranoid. i'm living on the edge. i might break down anytime. i just can't take it anymore!!!

i need to know. i need to be loved. i need comfort. i need a family. what is normal? i'm not normal. i'm turning crazy.

what a wretched family i come from. what is wrong with everybody? i'm starting to hate everyone and everything. i'm in total angst, so much. i'm sick of all these!!!

enjoyed my day at the beach. abit burned and red now. i was totally tired after the whole day there, given that i only slept about 2-3 hours the night before. the beach's a great place to unwind. oh, i love the sea! i wasn't really aware of my surroundings today though, i still had something disturbing at the back of my mind. i have no idea what. i wasn't really myself today. i wanted to set aside all vexatious thoughts but something's still lurking. it just so irks me simply because i don't even know what's troubling me. =sigh= hope tomorrow will be a better day. want to catch phone booth.

still`trying`to`smile`for`you`and`me`admist`all`distress

made a new friend just now. the warmth of being friends with a little kid. benedict, 6, nanyang kindergarten, cck. i just love kids. that boy, just skipped his way into my room, i wasn't even aware. how cute, when he started talking non-stop. about f4, she, and everything. i was impressed with him. =) haven't had much experience or contact with children. he made me this happy and got me off my worries for a while with his bubbly personality and naive innocence! oh, the joy of being a kid! deep down, i wished i were him, or at least, envied the purity of being a child with no worries at all. kids make me fall in love with them. somehow, i'm feeling a tad doleful that the world's going to be harsh when children grow up. =sigh= i'm always forlorn, am i? i'm not a pessimist. no, don't want to be one. thinking of the kid makes me feel better again. *allsmiles*

`i.want.to.be.a.kid.all.over.again.and.remain.one. :)))

still putting off my homework that desperately need to be done fast. literature essay-econs tys-chinese writing-gp comprehension-and alot more. just tried to do a little of my gp and it's darned difficult. i can't think at 1.55am but then again, it's so tough i don't think i might get the answers at 1.55pm. oh, well. makes no difference. have to grab a magazine or book to unwind, away from all the stress. what a contradiction. i'm not even working yet i'm feeling stressed? the paradox that not doing anything makes one more stressed. =sigh= i don't even know myself, i'm an enigma to myself. blargh. really, procastination is my forte. i shouldn't feel proud of it, really. =sigh=

chillin' out in the warm sand later. at last. the long-awaited trip. haha. finally a day to unwind totally. the beach's going to be crowded i guess. abit of a minus point. too many people means lesser space, more fighting for the waters! =) pray that it won't rain, or i might just drop dead. just love the beach so much. kicking in the sand. basking in the sun. frolicking in the waters. sand, sea and sun - the wonders of nature!

i need courage to love. i need courage.

Suicidal Tendencies - Alone

I scream at the sky, it's easier than crying
I'm shyist when I'm shouting out loud
I feel so alone in a room full of people
I'm loneliest when I'm out in a crowd
I'm alone, and nobody hears me
Can't nobody heal me, won't somebody help me
I'm alone, I just need
Someone to take my hand and pick me up when I'm feeling down
Someone to take my heart and give it a home
Someone to help me through the times when I'm down and lonely
Someone to be with me when I'm alone, I'm alone, all alone
Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it but you know
You can't give in, alone is the way I feel, it's so hard to understand
Why I've got to be alone
If you took a look at my heart you'd see it
I'm trying to be something better
If you look at my heart you'd feel it
I've got to keep moving on
If you look in my heart you'd know it
I'm just trying to make my world better
If you look in my heart you'd see it
I got to do it alone
I've been down, I've been down
I've been down, down, down so low
I've been lost, so lost with no place left to go
I've had emotions, emotions that you better hope you never know
Sometimes it feels like I just can't take no more
Seems like things just keep getting further out of hand
Why can't for once things go as I plan
How dare you, how dare you tell me that you understand
Let me tell you straight out, there ain't nobody here that can
I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone
If you look in my heart, you'll see it
If you look in my heart, you'd feel it
If you look in my heart you'd know it
I'm not trying to make no one bitter
I'm just alone, leave me alone, alone, alone, now leave me
I've lived in places that you wouldn't never ever want to be
Places where for a minute you couldn't ever stand to be
I've seen things, I've seen things you'd never want to see
So what gives, what gives you the right to be the judge of me
I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone
A room full of people, can't nobody hear me, can't nobody help me, I'm alone
I just need someone to take my hand
And pick me up when I'm feeling down, when I"m down
Someone to take my heart and give it a home, when I'm down
Someone to be with me and help me through the times
I'm down and lonely, when I'm down
Someone to be with me when I'm alone
I'm alone, all alone
Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it
but I know I can't give in
Alone is the way I feel, there ain't nothing quite as sad as
a person that's alone

really. i can't see why i'm still living. i don't want to live, yet i've no guts to die. ouch. i wished i could find a reason to live. it's not like i don't want to be here, but i don't see why i'm here. i feel like a total failure. everything i do for everyone makes things worse. i don't make people happy. i can't be a good friend. and it seems like everyone everywhere hates (or at least, dislikes) me. i'm so unloved. i feel useless. my pedestrian college life makes me feel worse. i can't seem to do well in school, my social circle's a wreak, and what more, my family life's not any better. even smiling's an occasional treat for me. i want to be happy too. i want to love, too. i just want to be loved. why isn't anything going right for me? i want to make people smile. i want to make people happy. i just don't have the right.

succumbing.to.the.merest.fear//smile.for.me.will.you//i.just.want.you.to.be.happy

Marty Robbins - I Wish Somebody Loved Me

I wish somebody loved me just enough to say they care
I wish somebody loved me enough to call me dear
I wish someone would care enough to tell me they were true
I wish somebody loved me somebody just like you
I wish someone would care enough to tell me they were mine
But when I think I've found true love they leave me here behind
Why do they have to take and break a heart that could be true
I wish somebody loved me somebody just like you
I wish that you could understand the love I have for you
But like the others though, I guess, you leave me feelin' blue
I'm feelin' bad I'm feelin' sad I'm feelin' low and blue
I wish somebody loved me somebody just like you
The kindest heart the truest love is all that I can give
And if you shouldn't want my love why should I wanna live
The road of life and love, sweetheart, has been unkind and cruel
I wish somebody loved me somebody just like you

i want to touch the sky. i want to reach the moon. i want to feel the stars. i want to be myself. i want to know myself. i want to love. i want to be loved. i want..i want..i'm still only a girl.

emotional suicide. i think i might die of emotional suicide. my feelings are killing me. which are real and which not? oh, yes. just a reminder to all and especially me - i'm not in love. i'm so not in love. as much i'd want to be. i'm choking on this imbroglio of emotions. first i say i'm totally devoid of emotions, next i'm telling i'm gripped by feelings. feelings of nothing are they? i'm still immersing myself in self-deceptionl, i'm enjoying it. call me psychotic. call me crazy. i'm still hoping in vain, i guess, for an answer to my devout prayers. never really took reality as reality. contradicting myself totally, because fantasy movies just ain't my pick. a sign of confused identity? these surreal feelings just surpass everything else. the fatuous hopes just blind me from the real world. oh, i am, i am caught up in a reverie of my youth years. the mirages, the illusions. i am nowhere but in a fool's paradise! indulgence in feigned bliss.

i'm bored. period. that's why i'm blogging, alright? what's it with people? is blogging an offence? why? why am i so worked up? i'm being too sensitive. i'm just so very bored. =sigh= does depression run in my family? is negativity one of my family's traits? hah. i'm so bored that i ain't feeling okay. am i alright? i've become nothing. i've not been alive all this time. call my name and save me. i need the beach badly. i need my soul back.

Pink Floyd - Breathe
From the album "The dark side of the moon"

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.
Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.
Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

yays. my brother's back. i'm glad. but still, things aren't really going well. there are many unsettled matters. i'll just have to take things one at a time. gees. something's still suppressing me. i don't know what. there still seems to be a undying burden on my shoulders. thanks for being there, you know who you are. maybe i'll be your confidante one day, too. i'll be glad too. =) take a deep breath. breathe.

Wilco - We're just friends

Over and over and over again
You say that we're just friends
Forget the implications
Infatuations end
Felt so easy
Why's it hard?
I can't imagine ever being apart
I'd come back to you
It'd be brand new
But I promise we're just friends
Over and over and over again
I try to make amends
For every thing that I've done wrong
My whole world just ends
You make some coffee
Hold me up
Try to talk me outta giving up
I'd come back to you
It'll be brand new
But I promise
We're just friends

sometimes, words just don't seem enough. but songs help. things don't always go the way we want them to. life's often not a matter of choices. we'll just have to live with it. after all, the truth often hurts.

Green Day - Tired of waiting for you

So tired
Tired of waiting for you
I was a lonely soul
I had nobody till I met you
But you keep me waiting all of the time
What can I do?
It's your life
And you can do what you want
Do what you like
But please don't keep me waiting
Please don't keep me waiting
Cause i'm so tired
Tired of waiting
Tired of waiting for you

Pink - Family Portrait

Mama please stop cryin'
I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful
and it's tearin' me down
I hear glasses breaking
As I sit up in my bed
I told god you didn't mean
Those nasty things you said
You fight about money
about me and my brother
And this I come home to
This is my shelter
It ain't easy, growin' up in World War 3
Never knowin' what love could be
You'll see, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it has done my family
Can we work it out?
Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better
Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out?
Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better
Daddy please don't leave
Daddy please stop yellin'
I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin'
'Cause I need you around
My mama she loves you
No matter what she says it's true
I know that she hurts you
But remember I love you too!
I ran away today, ran from the noise
Ran away (ran away)
Don't wanna go back to that place
But don't have no choice, no way
It ain't easy, growin' up in World War 3
Never knowin' what love could be
But I've seen, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it did my family
Can we work it out?
Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better
Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out?
Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better
Daddy please don't leave
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Let's play pretend,
and act like it Comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a stepbrother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
let's go back to that
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Let's play pretend,
act like goes naturally
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
let's go back to that
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it
Comes naturally
(can we work it out)
(can we be a family)
(promise ill be better)
(mom ill do anything)
(can we work it out)
(can we be a family)
(promise ill be betta)
(dady please dont leave)
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
let's go back to that
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
let's go back to that
Daddy don't leave... daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
turn around please
remember that the night you left you
took my shining star?
daddy dont......daddy dont leave
daddy dont leave
dont leave us here alone
Mom l'll be nicer
I'll be so much better
I'll tell my brother
I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better
I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night

people often say home's the best place to be. why doesn't it seem so for me? perhaps that's why my brother would rather stay in the hospital. maybe. it's just too tiring. i'm afraid i can't take it anymore. i don't think i can hold on much longer. snoopy can't stop barking. it irritates me sometimes. i really don't like to be home. home holds no meaning for me. my futile efforts help but not. i can't hold this home together anymore. it just hurts more. strained ties. why can't i be a normal happy-go-lucky girl? happiness evades me in every possible way. why can't i be happier? even the hollow smile's fading away. i can't take it anymore. i can't even pretend to be strong anymore. there's just so much beneath this smile of mine. who will care if i crumble? who will know if i'm crushed? i just can't afford to weaken, everyone's pining their only hope on me. i'm exhausted. but i'm not given any chance to slow down, to stop in my tracks. i need a break too. i'm screaming for a rest, away from such disquietude. they all think i'm unaffected. they all think i'm going strong. who even bothers to ask me? why doesn't anyone understand me? why can't anyone just try to understand me? my energy's running low. i'm going to collapse. i'm clinging on the breaking string. i can't endure much more.

today's a brand new day. gees. was totally off-track yesternite. doesn't really matter now. hear the clock ticking away. time running away. or, me running away from time? i shan't think about childish things anymore. yes, give me the benefit of the doubt. i'm not affected, well, i wasn't anyway. the long day is over. smile.

yes, i'm a weakling. yes, i am. nobody's here for me. nobody's listening. nobody's looking. nobody's caring. i can't bother to explain. what do i do now? my dreams have fallen apart. i don't understand what i am going through. the hurt just sinks in.

foolish. i was foolish. i was silly. did i actually think we had something coming. the devils of infatuation. oh, my. wishful thinking. things will turn out better. i'm beginning to see the light. it isn't blinding me now. because my eyes aren't open anymore. i think tears are blinding me instead...crying isn't going to help. crying's for weaklings.

Buddy Holly - Crying, Waiting, Hoping

Crying, waiting, hoping, that you'll come back
I just can't seem to get you off my mind
Crying, waiting, hoping, that you'll come back
You're the one I love and I think about you all the time
Crying, my tears keep fallin' all night long
Waiting, I feel so useless, I know it's wrong
To keep crying, waiting, hoping, that you'll come back
Maybe someday soon things will change and you'll be mine
Crying, my tears keep fallin' all night long
Waiting, I feel so useless, I know it's wrong
To keep crying, waiting, hoping, that you'll come back
Maybe someday soon things will change and you'll be mine
Crying, waiting, hoping

please. tell me it isn't true. my dream's coming true. i'm actually talking to his girlfriend online. he introduced us. i can't believe it totally. please. i think i might just break down. i'm confused. it hurts typing every alphabet to her. ouch. i'm twisting the dagger in me. it hurts already. she's such a sweet girl. they're happy. everyone's happy. i never really believed him. i chose not to. but i can't now. reality's killing me. i think i'm going to stop. stop breathing. i can't feel a thing. i'm becoming numb. i need to increase my dosage. there's just too much for me to handle. i missed a step to your heart, still i'm falling. i knew this had to come. it did.

Primer 55 - Pills

give me room so I can breath
the walls keep closing in I’m feeling
claustrophobic, increase the dosage
so I can feel alive again
don't wanna feel sober, don't wanna feel pain
I really don't wanna feel the emptiness, the stress
and all those things that make me take those pills

Evanescence - My Immortal
From the album "Fallen"

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But do you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

think i'm so into them now. so gothic. so ominous. www.emilythestrange.com. i should get the books. though there nothing much to read, it still is intriguing. the pictures speak. be all you can't be. i'm blinded by light. the sounds of silence are deafening me. i'm saying nothing yet i'm staying loud and clear. seeing is deceiving. oh, emily.

was sad when you said you felt as if you didn't know me anymore. have we really drifted? perhaps time surpasses all. things change. i always thought we could pick up from where we last left, but not this time. i took things for granted. there's nobody i can blame but myself. maybe we'll go back to normal, maybe we won't. time shall tell. thanks for being there. my twinkling star. who says stars don't die?

yes. i didn't go to the hospital. hm. doesn't matter anyway. they allow only one visitor at a time. so, what's the point? i really feel funny. here i am blogging away whilst my big bro's in hospital. i want to see him. but i'm afraid. =sigh= i miss my kor. alot.
dreamt of him yesternite. well, not exactly him. dreamt that i actually talked to his girlfriend on the phone. goodness. what kind of a dream is that? i need a dream analyst. am i too obsessed with him? i shouldn't be. this is so not right. the sun's shining in. i think it's getting too bright. i ought to wake up from my living dream. wake up, kid!

Delta Goodrem - I'm Lost Without You

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gunna lie
How am i gunna be strong without you
i need you by my side
If we ever said we'd never be together and we ended with goodbye
I dunno what I'd do
I'm lost without you
I keep tryin to find my way
But all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep tryin to face the day
I'm lost without you

Xymox - The Child In Me
From the album "Hidden Faces"

Don't slow me down, just drive me away
The skies are grey today, I look at life that way
So put me on a plane, I may escape the rain
My friends are acting strange, things don't look the same
I guess the child in me, defines the way I see
I guess the child in me, defines the way I see
Miracles come my way
Don't let me down, just live for today
The price is high you say, you look at life that way
So put me on a chain, I will escape again
Living by the book I say,would drive me insane
I guess the child in me, defines the way I see
I guess the child in me, defines the way I see
Miracles come my way
Through the eyes of a child I am spinning round
Through the eyes of a child I will work it out
I guess the child in me, defines the way I see
Through the eyes of a child
Through the eyes of a child

it's late. ain't sleeping again. have been listening to song after song. wondering if the feelings are true. wondering if it's just infatuation. wondering if i'm just lonely. unrequited love again? i think my inner child's acting up again. here i am, at 345 in the morning, behaving like a lovelorn teenager. i should grow up. oh, well. sometimes you'd just have to leave things at the hands of *life*. i'm starting to resign to fate. i don't want to. i want to have my own life. i never wanted to grow up. i'm still dependant. i still need help. i'm still a child. at least, i want to be one. the world's too harsh for me to handle. i'm only a kid. i'm still a kid.

happy daddy's day. won't be very happy without my brother around. hah. so, daddy's probably going spend his 25th daddy's day at ward 64, nuh. i wished kor was here. he'll probably be talking to me at this time now. oh, well. sigh. against all odds. things will become better. hopefully. i shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity all the time. most is enough.
sometimes rain and cloudy skies are actually blessings in disguise. if not, how did rainbows form? every cloud has a silver lining.

i need strength. i'm still struggling. i need comfort. i'm still praying. i need love. i'm still waiting. i need to face up to myself. i'm still running. i need courage. i'm still crying.

bottled inside are words i never said. the feelings i hide, you can see it in my eyes, read it on my face. trapped inside are lies of the past i can't reveal. with memories that linger, that won't seem to go away...

should i visit him tomorrow? really, i don't want to appear as if i don't care about my brother. but he should know better. oh, well. let things be. i'll come to a decision sooner or later. there's an aura around my house. indescribable aura. everybody's hiding something. as if it ain't obvious. everything happens for a reason, eh? i'm not talking. but i'm screaming inside. i need something to quieten my nerves. yes, this's it. drugs. i'm getting addicted. i'm going on a mind trip. just let me indulge in delusion. oh, ignis fatuus!

[assignments:]
-chinese book review-chinese writing-lit essay-lit comparative table-lit characterisation-gp comprehension-lit project-pw project- =sigh= is there more to life than these?

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.
(Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.)
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.
Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.
Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.
All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.
Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life

i didn't go to the hospital. i don't want to go. i can't see my brother in such a state. it pains me. really, it does. he's my strength, i don't want to see my strength weaken. i can't face it. i'm afraid i'll break down if i go. i'm not crying. i'm not listening. it hurts even more. all i can do is pray for him to be happy. pretend i'm unaffected. people think i'm cold and all, but who actually knows how i feel? he's my brother, not yours. sometimes, seeing isn't believing. you'd have to look beneath the surface of things. i don't know why. i just recalled the 911 incident yesternite. the images of people jumping off the buildings, into the inferno. they had no other choice. i remember when i first saw those images, i had sleepless nights. they kept flashing over and over again in my head. i can never forget these scenes i saw on tv. tv can be evil. really. the nightmares are returning.

went to the kitchen to get water. walked past my bro's room. the emptiness of it all. why am i getting so sensitive?! it's only for a day or two. or a week or two. i pray not. i talk as if he's not coming back. what is wrong with me. really, absence makes the heart grow fonder? hah. the irony of things all. really can't get my assignment done. distorted mind and soul. i think i just lost my soul. my inner child's ranting. my soul's leaving. my life's emptying on me.

stuffin' cotton on the wound doesn't stop the bleeding. crying is only temporary. tears dry, too. screaming isn't a solution. drugs are no cure, they only bring you out of reality. for a while. music drowns me. blogging is an outlet. what else? i feel worse as the seconds waste by. there's no turning back.

supposed to be doing my lit assignment. one of the many. can't seem to be getting the answers. what about the comparisons of 632 a.f. and 2003 a.d. from bnw. how would i know.
brother's in nuh now. oh, well. how am i supposed to feel? angry at him for getting into such a sad state? i'm confused. i'm emotionally drained, like forever. i'm tired. i wished i could do something. i feel totally helpless. i don't want to visit him because i'm afraid i might break down. i want to visit him because he's my brother, my best and only one. my silly brother. my moronic brother. my one and only ever best big brother. i miss you, kor.

Sick of Life - Godsmack
From the album "Awake"

Paralyzed. Nothing's getting through to me.
Hypnotized from all my surroundings.
I wanna be something I could never be.
I wanna say things that I could never say.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!

Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.

Dragged down. Rubbing my face in the ground.
No time for the undecided.
I wanna know why I've always felt alone,
And I wanna love. Why am I untouchable?
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!

Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
I never wanted to be sick of my life.
I'm tired of everything in my life

in angst. totally. upset with nobody. angry with myself. loud music doesn't help. tears have dried. no more hair to tear. distancing soul from mind, heart from body. why aren't things going right for me, anymore? i'm killing myself here and everything's helping. even breathing's a chore now. i'm losing my grip on life. i need drugs. i need my soma. somebody, help me! please!

life's miserable. things shouldn't be like that. here i am wallowing in self-pity. again. alone in the house. feeling lonely. yet at peace. or am i? sometimes loneliness' a blessing in disguise. just love listening to sp's mellon collie and infinite sadness. a sense of melancholy with a touch of tranquility.
so, brother's hospitalised. i'm devoid of emotions. or am i just escaping from reality? i wish i could be there, but i don't want to see him in such a state. i feel nothing. is feeling nothing also an emotion? deep inside, i actually feel scared. i mean scared. but something's stopping me from expressing myself. i don't know what. i don't feel good. yes, i really don't feel good.

what happens when one takes 25 sleeping pills? does he die or does he not? if he doesn't, he's stupid. If he does, thank his lucky stars. If he really wants to commit suicide, try popping 250 pills, save all the trouble, eh? what do you do if someone close's suicidal? i'm scared. yet angry. having the courage to try and commit suicide but not brave enough to stand up to reality. really, my life's damn screwed up. so what did i do? watched ju-on. self-denial eh? screamed my guts out. haha. the show's great. i almost cried. of fear. frightening it was, but there was no storyline at all. nevertheless, it scared the wits out of me. *shudders* it has to be the most horrifying show since the ring2. well, in my humble opinion.

tired but just can't sleep. physically strained; mentally drained. spend time looking out of the window. just feeling his presence helps. don't know why, but it just helps to hold me there. whatever happens next, i can't care less. i need to regain my strength.

When I See You Smile
Uncle Sam - * Touched by an angel soundtrack

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh, I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

this song holds more meaning than any other...sometimes i wonder how i'd ever make it through, through this world without having you i just wouldn't have a clue...

it's getting late. my aircon's dripping furiously. i'm feeling lonely. i'm deserted. my life's killing me. darkness's closing in on me. tears brimming. desires to feel but devoid of emotions. what do i live for. i'm left with nothing but a cold, cold heart.

Unwell - Matchbox 20
From the album "More Than You Think You Are"

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Bed of Lies - Matchbox 20
From the album "Mad Season"

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
Don't think that I can take another empty moment
Don't think that I can fake another
hollow smile
It's not enough just to be lonely
Don't think that I could take another talk about it

assignments are piling. haven't touched even one. i didn't even realise there's work to be done until today. am i still in self-denial? ought to get cracking soon. soon. i wish i lived in brave new world. freedom (so-called) prevails, even promiscuity is advised. look at the world now and define peace again. define utopia. define dystopia. define happy. define normal. oh, well. everybody's happy now. yes, everybody's happy now. oh! the joy of hypnopaedia!

gees, started blogging again. don't know why. (-link-norah jones:) really, am i suffering from maniac depression or boredom? or both. i feel so sick of life i think i might just drop dead. things don't seem to go well for me, anywhere, anytime. can't live a proper life, can i? temperaments fluctuate. now i'm happy, angry the next. mood swings terribly. why am i having these feelings of emptiness nowadays, the feelings of depression. i think i'm happy being depressed. and confused. i need medicine. i need sanity. i think i need to get a life. i mean, a life.